Erudite Eructations

Michigan spends taxpayers' money on Sno-Cone machines for "homeland security"

2011-12-06T13:04:00.004-05:00

Original article here.

STANTON (MI) — The United States is fighting terrorism — one snow cone at a time.

Montcalm County recently received a $900 Arctic Blast Sno-Cone machine.

WTF?!?! Do they think that Saudi nationals or denizens of some other desert shithole will soil their M.C. Hammer pants when confronted with a paper cone filled with shaved ice?

"Oh camel crap, Abdullah...THEY'VE GOT ICE!!! Flee for your very life!!! AIIIEEEEE!"

The West Michigan Shoreline Regional Development Commission (WMSRDC) is a federal- and state-designated agency responsible for managing and administrating the homeland security program in Montcalm County and 12 other counties.

The WMSRDC recently purchased and transferred homeland security equipment to these counties — including 13 snow cone machines at a total cost of $11,700.

Every single bureaucrat who signed-off on this request ought to be buried under a mountain of snow large enough to either suffocate them or cause terminal hypothermia.

The machines were funded by a grant from the Michigan Homeland Security Program. The request for a snow cone machine came from another county, but all 13 counties received them.

No doubt, being good stewards of the monies forcibly extorted from taxpayers, they got a fabulous bulk-purchase discount...NOT! A quick perusal of EBay finds that these machines can be purchased singly for less than $550.00 each.

The purchase raised some questions at a recent Montcalm County Board of Commissioners meeting. Commissioners wondered about the machine and questioned its purpose.

The Michigan Homeland Security Grant Program’s Allowable Cost Justification document, dated May 9, 2011, says the snow cone machines can make ice to prevent heat-related illnesses during emergencies, treat injuries and provide snow cones as an outreach at promotional events.

The photo above - which accompanied the original article and was credited to its writer - clearly shows it's merely a machine to shave ice; there is no freezer unit integrated into it. The units for sale at EBay also do not make ice.

In other words, the Allowable Cost Justification document is patently dishonest.

Additionally, what the hell kind of "outreach" does "homeland security" require? They already do entirely too much "outreach" to old ladies and children at airports.

WMSRDC Executive Director Sandeep Dey said one county requested a popcorn machine, but that request was denied. He said the snow cone machine request would not have been granted by itself, but was approved because it came with other homeland security equipment.

Only one county requested a Sno-Cone machine, yet thirteen received them; why was the popcorn machine treated differently? And WTF does a popcorn machine have to do with homeland security?

“It is used to attract people so they can be educated and prepared for homeland security,” Dey said from his office in Muskegon. “More importantly, they (homeland security officials) felt in a medical emergency the machine was capable of making ice packs which could be used for medical purposes.”

Jesus Fucking Christ and His Orchestra...in what way will they educate and prepare people for homeland security?

"Sorry we fondled your little girl; how's about we give her a Sno-Cone and maybe she'll stop crying?"

"Stop resisting or we'll shove shaved ice down your panties, grandma!"

The snow cone machine is currently being stored in the Montcalm County Emergency Services (MCES) building in Stanton. MCES Director David Feldpausch said the machine could be useful at the scene of a large fire or during very hot weather.

Except for the simple fact that the machine doesn't actually make fucking ice.

“I don’t like the term snow cone machine, because it sounds horrible,” Feldpausch said. “When you look at it as an ice shaving machine and its purpose, it makes a little more sense. I assume it will get used in Montcalm County a lot more in the summertime by the Fire Corps.”

It's fucking purpose is to take ice made in another machine and shave it to make goddamned Sno-Cones, you ignorant fucktard.

Since when does a Fire Corps need to add Sno-Cones to its list of firefighting equipment? I suppose next, they'll want to purchase a vending truck and ice maker so they can make them at disaster scenes.

(And you can bet your ass they'll overpay for that equipment, too.)

Occupy Wall Street Protesters Preoccupied with Money...Just Like the Wall Streeters They're Protesting!

2011-10-23T13:58:00.007-05:00

Original NY Post article here: They want $lice of the occu-pie.

Even in Zuccotti Park, greed is good.

Yep...for a mean-spirited laugh.

Occupy Wall Street’s Finance Committee has nearly $500,000 in the bank, and donations continue to pour in -- but its reluctance to share the wealth with other protesters is fraying tempers.

Color me surprised the "Finance Committee" doesn't want to share. And why the fuck do a bunch of quasi-anarchists have any sort of "committee"?

Some drummers -- incensed they got no money to replace or safeguard their drums after a midnight vandal destroyed their instruments Wednesday -- are threatening to splinter off.

I suspect the "midnight vandal" was an aggrieved neighbor (who likely pays a lot of rent for a dinky closet with a toilet and shower) deciding they'd had just about enough artless ersatz "tribal drumming" in the wee hours. (At a certain point, even Art Fucking Blakey would get tiresome...and I say that as a jazzer. I doubt I could stomach more than three minutes of gormless hippies exercising their non- existent "right" to bang shit like a hyperactive three-year-old on meth.

I cannot endeavor to put my finger on any part of our Constitution which enshrines a right to percussive pandemonium by unwashed urchins...or anyone else.

“F--k Finance. I hope Mayor Bloomberg gets an injunction and demands to see the movement’s books. We need to know how much money we really have and where it’s going,” said a frustrated Bryan Smith, 45, who joined OWS in Lower Manhattan nearly three weeks ago from Los Angeles, where he works in TV production.

Well, Mr. Legal Eagle....precisely what standing does Bloomberg have to request an injunction? And do you really want to get him involved? After all, he'd probably be more concerned about monitoring the sodium intake and tobacco consumption of your comrades. (BTW - I strongly suspect that "works in TV production" means either "middle-aged production assistant" or "extra".)

Smith is a member of the Comfort Working Group -- one of about 30 small collectives that have sprung up within OWS. The Comfort group is charged with finding out what basic necessities campers need, like thermal underwear, and then raising money by soliciting donations on the street.

Huh...I thought panhandling was illegal in NYC. Not to mention that having so many "collectives" is certainly not real "collectivism" (which is defined as "the political principle of centralized social and economic control, especially of all means of production").

“The other day, I took in $2,000. I kept $650 for my group, and gave the rest to Finance. Then I went to them with a request -- so many people need things, and they should not be going without basic comfort items -- and I was told to fill out paperwork. Paperwork! Are they the government now?” Smith fumed, even as he cajoled the passing crowd for more cash.

The Finance Committee dives on whatever dollars are raised by all the OWS working groups, said Smith, and doesn’t give it back.

I'm guessing the Finance Committee has the "ability" to give you free shit, they just don't see the "need". (For more info, see: Marx, Karl.)

Your complaints regarding the Finance Committee "diving" on the money working groups bring in and not wanting to give it back sounds rather similar to something one of those horrid, racist, ignorant and despicable Tea Partiers might say. In fact, you sound like one of those greedy, selfish bastards who object to money they brought home being confiscated from them to be spent in ways they have no control over.

Why do you hate redistribution and economic justice, Mr. Smith?

The Comfort group has an allowance of $150 a day, while larger working groups, like the Kitchen group, get up to $2,000.

That's probably because "food riots" are more of a potential danger than "laundry riots". Especially with lefty protesters.

“What can I do with $150?” said Smith. “We have three tons of wet laundry here from the rainstorm -- how do I get that done? We need winter gear, shoes, socks. I could spend $10,000 alone for backpacks people need. We raise all this money. Where is it?”

Y'all should have thought of the laundry issue sooner, Mr. Smith...if that is your real name. And what the fuck sort of fancy urban hippie backpacks cost ten thousand fucking dollars, anyway?

Pete Dutro, 36, a Brooklyn tattoo artist who is getting a master’s in finance and sits on the Finance Committee, said big purchases like Smith’s can’t get immediate approval.

“We don’t have the power for that. They have to go to the General Assembly. If it’s approved, we pay out that amount and make sure everything is accounted for,” he said.

Maaaan...for a bunch of jackasses "occupying" a mere three-quarters of an acre of concrete (plus a few scrawny trees), you sure do have a lot of bureaucracy. Fight the power, dude!

Within the next few days, the Financial Committee will release a detailed report, he said.

If I were you, I'd audit it very carefully, Mr. "Getting a Master's in Finance"; half a million bucks is a lot of temptation to a bunch of people with no jobs. BTW...are they using "cash" or "accrual"? Buwahahahahaha!

Yesterday, a huge flat-screen TV went up in Zuccotti Park for a movie night and pajama party with popcorn. Organizers hoped it would attract new recruits -- even as some long-timers complained that the movement was getting too diffuse after yesterday’s lackluster showing at a police-brutality event in Union Square that barely attracted 50 participants.

Lackluster showing at a police brutality event? Not enough pepper spraying and/or heads caved-in? Lazy union pigs. Oh, wait...

“I think it’s getting too spread out,” said John Glowa, 57. “My sense from where I live is that it’s losing steam. We gotta plug the holes.”

Better ask the General Assembly for a shit ton of caulking; I'd recommend GeoCel tri-polymer sealant. (Don't thank me...I'm a giver.)

Some activists, like those in Pulse, the committee that represents Zuccotti Park drummers, are a bit worn out by all the collective activity.

Last week, on a rainy night, someone stabbed holes in many of the protesters’ drums with a knife, said Elijah Moses, 19, of Queens, a founder of the Pulse Working Group. Moses asked the General Assembly -- the nightly meeting where protesters collectively vote on OWS decisions -- for $8,000 to replace the drums, and build a small shed to lock them up.

Eight thousand dollars for fucking drums and a storage shed??!? If you didn't all at least pretend to hate corporations, you could just go to Home Depot and get a shed and a bunch of ten-dollar five-gallon buckets for, oh, say, three hundred samoleans. (Of course, the shed and drums would be made of teh evil plastic...but you'd save $7,700.00 of "the people's money".)

“They said no -- they turned us down. I’m really frustrated,” said Moses.

I think it would be most amusing to pit your frustration against the "collective" (see what I did there?) frustration of the folks who live and/or work in the neighborhood of Zuccotti Park who are almost certainly weary of you lot worsening their quality of life with your pretentious, pathetic attempt to "make a difference"

The sixties are calling; they want their memes back. (But they'll probably let you keep the toe-sucking, knife-wielding nutjobs.)

OWSers Tire Of Free Pizza; Begin To Eat Their Own

2011-10-21T13:21:00.003-05:00

(Original New York Magazine article here.)

All occupiers are equal — but some occupiers are more equal than others. In wind-whipped Zuccotti Park, new divisions and hierarchies are threatening to upend Occupy Wall Street and its leaderless collective.

Collectivism - how does it work? Oh yeah...not too well.

As the protest has grown, some of the occupiers have spontaneously taken charge on projects large and small. But many of the people in Zuccotti Park aren't taking direction well, leading to a tense Thursday of political disagreements, the occasional shouting match, and at least one fistfight.

Sounds like there have been numerous "teachable moments"; alas, I surmise very little learning is occurring

It began, as it so often does, with a drum circle. The ten-hour groove marathons weren’t sitting well with the neighborhood’s community board, the ironically situated High School of Economics and Finance that sits on the corner of Zuccotti Park, or many of the sleep-deprived protesters.

TEN HOURS A DAY?!?!?

Drum circles are the last bastion for those who couldn't master even three lousy guitar chords. (Those being, in "The People's Key", E, A and B.) They're also a graphic demonstration that complex polyrhythms ain't quite the same as "playing whatever the fuck you feel like".

Not to mention that, since they're almost universally populated with white people, the rhythmic emphasis tends to be on 1 and 3...'cause a lot o' honkies don't got no riddem.

While these shenanigans may have continued for ten hours at a stretch, one can safely presume said "marathon" was seriously lacking in "groove". Guys like Art Blakey, Tony Williams, David Garibaldi, Clyde Stubblefield, Mike Clark and Jabo Stark "groove"; caucasian trust-funders with degrees in worthless ______-studies degrees, not so much.

“[The high school] couldn’t teach,” explained Josh Nelson, a 27-year-old occupier from Nebraska. “And we’ve had issues with the drummers too. They drum incessantly all day, and really loud.” Facilitators spearheaded a General Assembly proposal to limit the drumming to two hours a day. “The drumming is a major issue which has the potential to get us kicked out," said Lauren Digion, a leader on the sanitation working group.

Probably due not only to the volume, but the incredible suck as well. Criminy...even a journeyman Ghanian drummer learns that it's far more musical to give it a rest every once in a while.

Also..."sanitation working group"? Puhleeze...I'll bet they haven't even gotten past the "piss here, shit there" stage.

But the drums were fun. They brought in publicity and money. Many non-facilitators were infuriated by the decision and claimed that it had been forced through the General Assembly.

"THIS IS WHAT COLLECTIVISM LOOKS LIKE!" (And should furnish a practical lesson in why the US is a representative republic rather than a democracy...but probably won't.)

“They’re imposing a structure on the natural flow of music," said Seth Harper, an 18-year-old from Georgia. “The GA decided to do it ... they suppressed people’s opinions. I wanted to do introduce a different proposal, but a big black organizer chick with an Afro said I couldn’t.”

Help! The "natural flow of music" is bein' repressed! See the violence inherent in the lack of system!

To Shane Engelerdt, a 19-year-old from Jersey City and self-described former “head drummer,” this amounted to a Jacobinic betrayal. “They are becoming the government we’re trying to protest," he said. "They didn’t even give the drummers a say ... Drumming is the heartbeat of this movement. Look around: This is dead, you need a pulse to keep something alive.”

How can a "collective" have a "head drummer"? Also...what a pretentious, clueless little asshole.

The drummers claim that the finance working group even levied a percussion tax of sorts, taking up to half of the $150-300 a day that the drum circle was receiving in tips. “Now they have over $500,000 from all sorts of places,” said Engelerdt. “We’re like, what’s going on here? They’re like the banks we’re protesting."

The drummers clearly weren't paying their "fair share". Further, they ought to pay license and permit fees for their 5-gallon plastic tubs, tambourines and whatever other "instruments" they're using. After all, we can't have "percussion instruments" in just anyone's hands, right.

I'd also suggest a 5-day waiting period and background check before someone is supplied with noisy shit. Not to mention strict testing to ensure a sense of rhythm and micro-stamping of drum sticks...because we have waaaaay to many percussion instruments in private hands in this country.

All belongings and money in the park are supposed to be held in common, but property rights reared their capitalistic head when facilitators went to clean up the park, which was looking more like a shantytown than usual after several days of wind and rain. The local community board was due to send in an inspector, so the facilitators and cleaners started moving tarps, bags, and personal belongings into a big pile in order to clean the park.

Wow, what a bunch of quislings; caving-in to "the man" like that. SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAM!

But some refused to budge. A bearded man began to gather up a tarp and an occupier emerged from beneath, screaming: “You’re going to break my fucking tent, get that shit off!” Near the front of the park, two men in hoodies staged a meta-sit-in, fearful that their belongings would be lost or appropriated.

Heh. I thought their stuff ought to be part of the "collective"; isn't that how collectivism works? And what the fuck is a "meta-sit-in"?

meta adj - self-referential; referring to itself or its characteristics, esp. as a parody; about. Example: That book is so meta.

Maaaan...while I was once that young, I'm pretty sure I was never that fucking stupid.

Daniel Zetah, a 35-year-old lead facilitator from Minnesota, mounted a bench. “We need to clear this out. There are a bunch of kids coming to stay here.” One of the hoodied men fought back: “I’m not giving up my space for fucking kids. They have parents and homes. My parents are dead. This is my space.”

Hoodied man, meet eminent domain.

I hope that Suzanne Kelo is pointing in your general direction and having a good laugh at your expense.

Other organizers were more blunt. “If you don’t want to be part of this group, then you can just leave,” yelled a facilitator in a button-down shirt, “Every week we clean our house.” Seth Harper, the pro-drummer proletarian, chimed in on the side of the sitters. “We disagree on how we should clean it. A lot of us disagree with the pile.” Zetah, tall and imposing with a fiery red beard, closed debate with a sigh. “We’re all big boys and girls. Let’s do this.” As he told me afterwards, “A lot of people are like spoiled children." The cure? A cold snap. “Personally, I cannot wait for winter. It will clear out these people who aren’t here for the right reasons. Bring on the snow. The real revolutionaries will stay in -50 degrees.”

Paging Mr Gore...Mr. Albert Gore...

“The sunshine protestors will leave,” said “Zonkers,” a 20-year-old cleaner and longtime occupier from Tennessee. (He asked that his name not be used due to a felony marijuana conviction.) “The people who remain are the people who care. You get a lot of crust punks, silly kids, people who want to panhandle ... It disgusts me. These people are here for a block party.”

"Yeah...they should be here for the pawthetic freak show, instead."

Another argument broke out next to the pile of appropriated belongings, growing taller by the minute. A man named Sage Roberts desperately rifled through the pile, looking for a sleeping bag. “They’ve taken my stuff,” he muttered. Lauren Digion, the sanitation group leader, broke in: “This isn’t your stuff. You got all this stuff from comfort [the working group]. It belongs to comfort.”

THIS IS WHAT (PURE) DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE, BITCHEZ!

And as I spoke to Michael Glaser, a 26-year-old Chicagoan helping lead winter preparation efforts, a physical fight broke out between a cleaner and a camper just feet from us.

“When cleanups happen, people get mad,” Glaser said. “This is its own city. Within every city there are people who freeload, who make people’s lives miserable. We just deal with it. We can’t kick them out.”

*DING DING DING DING DING* This is why freeloaders suck, Mr. Glaser. And why some of your fellow citizens take a rather dim view of them.

In response to dissatisfaction with the consensus General Assembly, many facilitators have adopted a new “spokescouncil” model, which allows each working group to act independently without securing the will of the collective. “This streamlines it,” argued Zonkers. “The GA is unwieldy, cumbersome, and redundant."

Are you beginning to understand why less government and more individual freedom might be a very good thing, Mr. Zonkers?

From today’s battles, it’s not yet clear who will win the day: the organizers or the organized. But the month-long protest has clearly grown and evolved to a point where a truly leaderless movement will risk eviction — or, worse, insurrection.

Since these dipshits are "occupying" private property, they should have been evicted weeks ago. But I'd settle for insurrection, providing there's copious video.

As the communal sleeping bag argument between Lauren Digion and Sage Roberts threatened to get out of hand, a facilitator in a red hat walked by, brow furrowed. “Remember? You’re not allowed to do any more interviews,” he said to Digion. She nodded and went back to work. But when Roberts shouted, “Don’t tell me what to do!” Digion couldn't hold back.

There's trouble in collectivist paradise? Imagine that.

“Someone has to be told what to do," she said. "Someone needs to give orders. There’s no sense of order in this fucking place.”

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So many teachable moments...so little learning.

An open letter to Allies Waste Services in Gwinnett County

2011-10-18T14:02:00.004-05:00

Dear Tertiary Syphilis Victims:

Despite the fact I put my bin curbside in precisely the same place I put it every week, your highly trained cadre of ~~mobile sanitation engineers~~ refuse monkeys neglected to pick it up.

When I phoned your offices, I was placed on hold for approximately ten minutes, during which time I was regaled non-stop with all of the services your company provides, how large you are, how long you've been in business and myriad other self-serving bunkum attempting to demonstrate that you're the best refuse service ever.

May I disrespectfully suggest this is not your smartest public relations move, given that your garbage gibbons somehow missed the large blue bin emblazoned with your logo placed in a location where it has been placed on each and every pick-up day since Gwinnett County shoved you down our throat.

When you fail so abysmally at such a goddamned simple task, do you really think it's good marketing to up-sell an already-irked customer?

"Hmmmm...their trash barrel baboons have once again failed to empty my bin which in-turn forced me to wait on hold while listening to their hype; I THINK I'LL ORDER A FUCKING ROLL-OFF BIN FROM THEM, TOO!"

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

At least the very pleasant and professional individual who finally got my call made the correct noises, apologized and promised the situation would be rectified. (Of course, actions speak louder than words...)

UPDATE: To my pleasant surprise, the trash was collected the very next day and the bin placed neatly back on my treelawn.

Of Marriage Licenses and Statism

2010-09-03T18:30:00.003-05:00

BrendaK and I went to Marietta, GA today and got our marriage license...yay!

However, the entire process has been instructive of statist assholery here in (allegedly) "conservative" Georgia. Around here, "conservative" seems to mean "31 varieties of Baptists", rather than, y'know, small government.

Otherwise, we could have just gone about 1.5 miles up the road to the Larryville civic center. 'Cept here in Gwinnett County, one must produce a birth certificate in order to procure a marriage license. Showing a valid GA Driver's License, which also requires a birth certificate to procure, jest ain't good enough.

Neighboring Cobb County requires only a valid GA DL, so off we went to Marietta, their county seat. Where there's quite a gummint construction boom going on, which is clearly being financed by outrageous fees extorted from the ~~taxpayers~~ lumpenproletariat.

First off, the flat parking fee of $5.00 is basically subsidizing parking for lawyers. In all of the other cities I've lived, the only time you see flat-rate parking anywhere is either "early-in" for folks working in the vicinity, "after 5:00 p.m." in areas where there some sort of night life or other attractions and "special event" parking.

A flat $5.00 fee in the middle of the day at a busy court or government complex isn't anything more than parking welfare for fucking attorneys. Even in Los Angeles, where I pulled many a building permit over the years, they didn't have the audacity to charge such a high flat rate.

Our destination was "Building D2", since the statist fuckers who run Cobb County apparently haven't the imagination to name any of their copious new buildings the "Clem Milsaps Taxpayer Fleecing Facility" or the "Cletus and Lucinda Fayette Memorial Mouth-Breathers Employment Tower". "Building D2" sounds like something from the script of a particularly lame dystopian film written by an independent video store clerk who's convinced he's the next Quentin Tarantino.

Immediately upon entering the building, there was a security checkpoint. (Whoever thought that putting the probate clerk's office in the same new facility as actual courtrooms was a good idea needs to be used as a special treat for killer whales; just sayin'.) We had to empty our pockets, remove our belts and deposit all our personal posessions in a plastic tub for electronic scrutiny before passing through a metal detector overseen by a deputy who was trying to look gimlet eyed, but merely succeeded in resembling a rejected extra from "Deliverance".

After being cleared through Deppity Jimmy Joe's "magic picture thingummy", we proceeded to the probate clerk's office. Amazingly, that office - while being in a building which I would estimate to be less than five years old - looked like one which had been extant since 1923 and never maintained save for the occasional coat of poorly-applied paint. Seriously. It appeared old and dilapidated, replete with one of those 8' folding tables generally seen at church socials heavily laden with a variety of Jell-o concoctions containing Mandarin oranges, celery, carrot shavings, fruit cocktail and/or Miracle Whip.

We approached the window, at which point we learned that we could only pay the outrageous $56.00 fee in cash. (Crikey...even in relatively sleepy, suburban Gwinnett County, I have yet to pay any sort of baksheesh to the local gummint which cannot be done using an ATM card.)

Upon being informed of a Bank of America branch a couple of blocks away, I volunteered to make the trek while Brenda filled-out the “Application for Permission from Ol’ Massa to Get Married”. As I returned to Building D2, I once again emptied my pockets, removed my belt and waited for Ossifer Squinty to wave me through his "Testicle Irradiating Device Mark IV", after which I proceeded to the probate clerk's office.

I signed the paperwork and we forked over our cold cash and Driver's Licenses to an older woman who was actually quite pleasant and efficient. (Although she did ask us if we were cousins, but we think it was 'cause we were joking about that while affixing our scrawls to the government "permission slip".)

And voila...about three minutes later, we had our Official Gummint Permission to Marry. Which is a Very Good Thing, indeed.

But yet, I cannot see where the government has any vested interest - save extorting $56.00 plus parking for all of three minutes' work - in demanding that we must ask for official permission to wed. As an added indignity (and revenue source for Cobb County), in order to get "certified" copies of our Marriage Certificate (after it has been signed by our paid State Certified and Licensed Wedding Officiant, duly filed and processed), we have to pony-up an additional $10 a pop.

Fuck me...in previous times, we could have just jumped over a sword together and been done with it. Plus had a keen souvenir weapon as a keepsake...and as a weapon. (But we'll be getting a Mossberg 500 with a pistol grip soon.)

While I am overjoyed to be marrying Brenda, I still think it is utter bullshit - as well as contrary to individual liberty - to have to apply for permission from the state and pay fees before the state will oh-so-graciously allow us to get married.

Fortunately, she's worth it.

Up yours, Reverend

2010-07-12T12:50:00.005-05:00

As part of his continuing struggle for ~~relevance~~ pathetically-needed attention, Jesse Jackson has weighed-in on the LeBron James story:

He [Cavaliers' owner Dan Gilbert] speaks as an owner of LeBron and not the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers. His feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality. He sees LeBron as a runaway slave.

Really, Jesse? Did Gilbert send a baying pack of hounds and an armed posse after James? How many "slaves" were paid millions of dollars by their "masters"? How many "slaves" had contracts with free agency clauses in them?

These accusations endanger LeBron. His jersey is being burned in effigy, and he is being projected as a betrayer by the owner.

And this "endangers" James how? (BTW, it's also LeBron's fans who are calling him a "bum", a "quitter" as well as less flattering names. Y'know...the same fans who bought tons of branded merchandise which made him a very wealthy man. And unlike you, Reverend, he didn't have to shake anyone down to become well-off.)

Here's the definition of "effigy", you profoundly ignorant assclown:

effigy–noun, plural -gies.
1. a representation or image, esp. sculptured, as on a monument.
2. a crude representation of someone disliked, used for purposes of ridicule.

Aggrieved Cavs fans, including black folks, were burning jerseys, bobbleheads and other LeBron James merchandise. Which they presumably paid for with their own hard-earned dollars, making said merchandise their property to dispose of as they see fit.

To my knowledge, no "effigies" of James were burned, save in the profound depths of your delusions. (Much like your utter delusion of Dr. Martin Luther King - who, unlike you, was a civil rights leader worthy of respect - dying in your arms, you prevaricating scumbag.)

LeBron is not a child, nor is he bound to play on Gilbert’s plantation and be demeaned.

Guess LeBron must have been a "house Negro", as he lived in some mighty fine digs on Gilbert's "plantation".

Mr. Gilbert's statement is mean, arrogant and presumptuous.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Y'know, Jesse...for a guy whose entire career as a "civil rights leader" is based on a series of egregious lies (the fake bloody shirt, enforcing your early Chicago boycotts with the Blackstone Rangers - a violent criminal gang then-run by your half-brother - etc.), you've got a lot of fucking nerve.

It's rather unfortunate that James Earl Ray didn't murder you instead of Dr. King. America would probably have been better off.

So up yours, Jesse...no apology and no pie for you.

Gwinnett County Deputy Michael G. "Cletus" Cummings

2010-07-10T18:11:00.006-05:00

When first we met Deputy Cummings, he had recently arrested County Commissioner Charles Bannister for DUI. Only problem was that two Intoxilizer tests and a blood test proved that Bannister's BAC was .000.

D'oh!

Now we find that Deputy Cummings has a track record of DUI stop-related irregularities:

The Gwinnett County Sheriff's deputy who mistakenly charged Commission Chairman Charles Bannister with drunken driving last week had misjudged DUI cases twice before.

A review of Deputy Michael G. Cummings' personnel file showed that he was disciplined for twice determining an impaired person to be sober while he worked for the Gwinnett County Police Department. Cummings resigned from the police department in 2006 to take a job at the Sheriff's Department.

On one occasion, he didn't catch that a driver who had caused a "minor accident" was intoxicated. On the other, he testified that a friend who tested at more than double the legal limit was not drunk.

At the time of both previous "errors", Deputy Cummings was employed by the Gwinnett County Police Department. So this bastard, who has (presumably) taken an oath to uphold the law at least twice, perjured himself and only got a three-day suspension? Hey, Sheriff Butch...why does this asshole still have a job with your agency? Since you and the Gwinnett Sheriff's Department demonstrably have no respect for the law, why the fuck should the citizenry?

Bannister's attorney, Alan Mullinax, said that the deputy's history is troubling.

"The whole believability and credibility of this officer is shot," Mullinax said.

No shit. And yet, he still has a job. Which involves carrying a fucking badge and gun. And the power to abrogate my civil rights.

As always, I'm sure that none of "Deputy Cletus'" fine brother officers ever noticed any problems with his ability to uphold the law. I'm confident that all three of these errors in judgment are the only instances of his malfeasance in his entire career. And look, he was caught at it! Hey...the system works!

Again, why the fuck does this incompetent moron still have a job in LE?

Bannister's attorney said he believes the arrest was politically motivated. He has asked the GBI to look into why the Sheriff's department deputies waited outside the bar for nearly an hour for Bannister to leave. Mullinax wants to know why the deputies never intervened to prevent Bannister from driving if they suspected he was drunk. He questions why deputies did not hand off the case to police, and why Bannister, 71, was asked to perform two field sobriety tests that are not recommended for someone over age 60.

Because cops all over this country are a criminal gang operating under the color of law and politicians won't do a goddamn thing to fix it. How about it, you "conservative", "law and order" politicians in Gwinnett...are you gonna get off of your fat, lazy and corrupt asses to actually do your goddamn jobs?

Of course not. Ergo, fuck each and every one of you. And your families, since you won't do anything about keeping my family safe from known bad cops.

Perhaps the next time one of you gets pulled over for no legitimate reason by some asshole with a badge, you'll wind up dead at the hands of the law you pretend to respect.

There'd be a little actual justice in that.

LeBron's not the "bad guy"

2010-07-10T12:44:00.004-05:00

To the sportstards™ of NE Ohio:

The average Cleveland sports fan is a fucking moron.

Most of you haven't given an actual shit that your local "liberal", "progressive" leaders have been stealing your asses blind for decades. In large part by colluding with the union thugs (and their supporters) as well as the ethnic grievance mongers.

The high taxation and over-regulation so beloved by you brain-dead assholes have driven virtually every successful company from the area. But you haven't given a flying fuck about any of that crap.

Because the average Clevelander would appear to spend a significant fraction of their non-working time guzzling down brews, burgers and wings while obsessing about professional sports.

And now that the (apparently) one professional athlete on any of your fucking loser teams who is actually worth a shit decided to make a career choice based upon what's good for him instead of Cleveland, you villify him.

Fuck you, morons. Your cheering James on is not what made him a competent basketball player. His in-born talent and hard work did that. Your purchase of LeBron-branded shoes, jerseys, posters, keychains, etc., did not improve his ability to sink three-pointers. You weren't there in his backyard encouraging him to keep practicing when he was in junior high school. You didn't actually do shit for him except voluntarily fork-over your money like a chump for branded merchandise because you thought he was your sports savior.

He. Owes. You. Fuck. All.

If your pathetic life is so empty that you emotionally invest yourself in fucking basketball to the point where you brand him a "traitor", a "bum" and worse for accepting a better job, he's not to blame.

Rather, you are to blame. If the braindead lot of you had invested a tiny fraction of the energy you devote to sports into learning the countless ways your local leaders have been decimating your town for decades, perhaps Cleveland wouldn't be well down the road toward becoming the next Detroit.

So go ahead. Burn your jerseys, bobbleheads and other memorabilia. Act like immature fuckheads because someone chose career advancement over staying in ~~a dying~~ an effectively dead city.

Clearly, the collective lot of you never gave enough of a crap about Cleveland to elect more competent leaders who might make a positive difference in your day-to-day lives. And if you demonstrably don't give a rat's ass about Cleveland, why should LeBron James?

You are the "bums".

You are the "traitors".

Why not set yourselves on fire instead? And immolate your worthless civic leaders, too. That might actually make a teeny, tiny change for the better.

Assholes.

Sheriff Butch is a Sonofabitch

2010-07-02T10:50:00.008-05:00

Being relatively new to Georgia, as well as Gwinnett County, I'm still getting up-to-speed on the local "players". However, a recent news story has told me everything I need to know about our county sheriff, Butch Conway and his department.

Earlier this week, one of Butch's thugs falsely arrested County Commissioner Charles Bannister on a DUI charge. According to the AJC:

Gwinnett County Sheriff Butch Conway apologized Thursday for mistakenly charging County Commission Chairman Charles Bannister with DUI, and he scrambled to explain how his department mishandled the episode.

Bannister was exonerated three days after his arrest when a second alcohol test came back with the same result as the first: The chairman did not have alcohol in his system Monday night and was not driving under the influence when a sheriff's deputy pulled him over.

According to Deputy M.G. Cummings' arrest report:

WHEN I APPROACHED THE DRIVERS DOOR THE WINDOW WAS DOWN. I LEANED IN AND INTRODUCED MYSELF AND ASKED THE DRIVER FOR HIS LICENSE. I COULD SMELL A STRONG ODOR OF ALCOHOL COMING FROM HIS BREATH. I TOLD THE DRIVER WHY I WAS PULLING HIM OVER. I NOTICED THAT HIS EYES WERE GLAZED AND WHEN HE SPOKE HE MUMBLED AS HE TALKED.

You'd think that if "Hopalong" Cummings could smell such a "strong odor of alcohol coming from his breath", Mr. Bannister would have tested at a BAC of something slightly higher than .000.

While I'm not a betting man, I'm tempted to wager a sawbuck that Cummings used boilerplate language which appears in other Gwinnett Sheriff's Department reports.

From the AJC:

Two days after standing by his deputies’ actions, Conway on Thursday admitted that they made mistakes.

“Police and deputies are not infallible,” he said at a news conference at the county jail. “They made a mistake. That’s obvious on its face.”

The sheriff said he would investigate what went wrong. But Bannister's attorney and others say they want an independent investigation.

Well, Butch, you're welcome to call them "mistakes"; I call it them ginormous fucking prevarications. Cops tend to get pretty pissy when they think they've been lied to, as they believe it's "disrespectful".

I'd say the citizenry - who are your bosses, pay your salary and benefits and whom you are supposed to be serving and protecting (instead of trying to railroad to meet quotas which I'm sure you'd swear don't actually exist) - has a right to get way more pissy when they've been lied to by their employees.

I concur there needs to be a truly independent investigation.

Conway said he plans to investigate what happened. But unless he finds the deputies acted out of “animosity,” he does not anticipate disciplinary action.

Lying one's ass off under color of law and filing a false police report would indicate "animosity" as well as "venality" and probably "unfit for duty". However, with Butch's attitude, five'll get you ten that Deputy Cummings will, at the very worst, get an insignificant little scold tucked into his jacket which will not affect his career one iota.

After all, gotta protect everyone on the right side of the "Thin Blue Line".

Instead, Conway said additional training is in order. And he wants to install cameras in all Sheriff’s Department vehicles (there was none in the car that pulled over Bannister).

How about including "don't fucking fabricate shit" in your training, Butchie-boy? And I am absolutely in favor of cameras with audio in all department vehicles. As you LEO types are so fond of telling us "civilians", we've got nothing to fear if we haven't done anything wrong. (Which you and I both know is another colossal lie, but I rather enjoyed the irony of writing that.)

Between you and the fucking union, Sheriff, I'd say that Cummings doesn't have to worry much about any meaningful discipline. (Although you might want to send him to a good Otolaryngologist; he really ought to have been able to smell the stupendous mounds of shit in the report he filed.)

Alan Mullinax, Bannister’s attorney, said he has no evidence that “the sheriff’s fingerprints are on what happened.” But he called for an independent investigation.

Since Conway managed to somehow rally enough neurons to get elected, perhaps he was (barely) smart enough to "wear gloves" to avoid "fingerprints".

Among the questions Mullinax wants answered:

* Why did the officer say he detected a strong scent of alcohol when tests showed there was little or no alcohol in the chairman’s blood?

* Why wasn’t Bannister charged with a lane violation if the deputy saw him weaving?

* Why did the deputy administer sobriety tests not recommended for people of Bannister’s age (71)?

I wish Mr. Mullinax and his client good luck in getting to the bottom of this disgusting affair. And I hope they watch their backs. It seems clear that Cummings' was out to get Bannister on Monday evening; now that Deputy Liar has been caught-out and Butch has been publicly embarrassed, their buddies are likely to want in on the fun, too.

'Cause that's just how cops roll.

Up yours, Jim Clyburn!

2009-08-19T12:32:00.003-05:00

In an August 13th interview with Sam Stein at The Huffington Post, House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn opined that protesters who object to effectively nationalizing America's healthcare are bigots.

"I have seen this kind of hate before. I have seen this discussion before," he said. "I have seen snarling dogs going after people who were trying to peacefully assemble. I have seen the eyes of people who were being spat upon."

Are black patients forced to ride in the back of ambulances? (I'm not an EMT, but I'm pretty damned sure that all ambulance patients have to ride in the back.)

Are there hospital lunch counters in this country where black folks are not permitted to sit?

Are black ER patients being turned away by angry white security guards holding back slavering German Shepherds?

Are black surgical patients prepped with fire hoses?

"Paging Dr. Faubus...Dr. Orval Faubus...white courtesy telephone, please..."

What the fuck are you talking about, Mr. Clyburn?

"This is all about activity trying to deny the establishment of a civil right. And I do believe that health care for all is -- a civil right," the House Majority Whip argued. "And I think that is why you see this kind of activity. This is an attempt on the part of some to deny the establishment of a civil right."

Hold-on, bucko; healthcare is very important, but it is absolutely not a "civil right". Random House defines that term as:

1. rights to personal liberty established by the 13th and 14th Amendments to the U.S. Constitution and certain Congressional acts, esp. as applied to an individual or a minority group.

2. the rights to full legal, social and economic equality extended to blacks.

American Heritage has a slightly different definition:

pl.n. The rights belonging to an individual by virtue of citizenship, especially the fundamental freedoms and privileges guaranteed by the 13th and 14th Amendments to the U.S. Constitution and by subsequent acts of Congress, including civil liberties, due process, equal protection of the laws, and freedom from discrimination.
adj. or civ·il-rights (sĭv'əl-rīts')
1. Of or relating to such rights or privileges: civil rights legislation.
2. Of or relating to a political movement, especially during the 1950s and 1960s, devoted to securing equal opportunity and treatment for members of minority groups.

From the U.S. Constitution:

Amendment XIII

Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Section 2. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

Amendment XIV

Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Section 2. Representatives shall be apportioned among the several states according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each state, excluding Indians not taxed. But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the executive and judicial officers of a state, or the members of the legislature thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such state, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion, or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twenty-one years of age in such state.

Section 3. No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any state, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any state legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any state, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.

Section 4. The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned. But neither the United States nor any state shall assume or pay any debt or obligation incurred in aid of insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or any claim for the loss or emancipation of any slave; but all such debts, obligations and claims shall be held illegal and void.

Section 5. The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.

The careful reader will note that there is no reference to "health care" nor anything even vaguely resembling it in those Amendments.

Back to the Huffington Post interview:

Clyburn, a veteran of the civil rights movement, said he was particularly appalled by the use of the Swastika symbol at some of these town hall events. Noting that one had been painted on the office of Rep. David Scott (D-Ga.), an African-American, Clyburn insisted that was proof enough that some of the protests were racially motivated.

"There is no question in my mind," he said.

So according to Mr Clyburn, the standard of proof is now a single act of vandalism which somehow unquestionably proves "some of the protests" are "racially motivated". (But since no perp has yet been arrested, we have absolutely no clue as to his or her motivation. It is entirely possible, since Rep. Scott behaved like an enormous race-pimping jackass just a few days earlier - and was captured doing so on video - perhaps one of his sympathizers decided to, y'know, "help a brother out" by making him look like a "victim". It's not like that's never happened before.)

So how many is "some of the protests", you fucking old race-baiting piece of shit? Three? Fifteen? Thirty-six? Do you even know how many hundreds of these protests there have been across our country since February? (When they started due to an enormous increase in government spending for the stimulus package, TARP and auto bailouts.)

Yes, millions of people are angry about a whopping growth in spending of taxpayers' money; this includes the attempt to nationalize healthcare. Which I was against when Hillary Clinton tried it, just as I am now. Legitimate, thoughtful objection to a policy (or policies) advocated by Barack Obama, or anyone else who happens to be a different race from me, does not equate to racism.

I'm profoundly tired of any criticism of Mr. Obama being decried by (alleged) liberals as the product of "racism". So I'm going to be very clear about this, Mr. Clyburn: the reason I hope you get flattened by a bus or break your neck falling down a flight of stairs has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that you're black.

It has everything to do with the fact I find you to be a despicable and immoral human being, without whom both our Congress and our country would be slightly better off.

You see, sir...I've judged you by the character of your heart; one of us actually lives Dr.Martin Luther King's dream. I only wish he'd rise-up from the grave and give you the drubbing you soundly deserve.

Since that's probably not likely to happen, I can only hope that you soon enjoy a horribly painful and/or humiliating demise; you see, I really hate fucking racists.

Michelle Obama's Tainted Garden

2009-07-08T15:00:00.003-05:00

While it would be just like me to use a metaphor as a title for a post, this time it's quite literal. Not to mention schadenfreudelicious:

Madame Il Douchey serves lead-contaminated White House-grown produce to school children, women in a homeless shelter and visiting dignitaries!!1! Uses child labor in deadly garden!!1!!!

It was meant to be a show case for healthy living, with the first lady, Michelle Obama, personally putting hand to pitch fork in a crowd of school children to dig up the first White House vegetable garden in more than 50 years.

Nothing like preparing the kiddies for what life's gonna be like after this administration and Congress totally tank our economy.

Instead, an embarrassed White House admitted today that the plot - whose lettuce, herbs and other produce have been consumed by the first family, visiting dignitaries, local school children and a women's homeless shelter - had tested positive for elevated levels of lead.

Good thing that the new consumer laws for produce haven't gone into effect yet, else Mrs. Ogabe would be liable for quite a hefty fine, not to mention other punishments.

But even though lead levels in the first garden are far below that danger zone, the disclosure is awkward for a White House which has made prominent use of the vegetable garden to define Michelle Obama's role as First Lady,and to encourage sensible eating habits in children.

Yes, boys and girls...there's nothing like a heapin' helpin' of tummy-tempting lead. Like you can get from gnawing on your crappy Chinese-made toys or from the First Lady's own garden. Nom, nom, nom!

Children are expecially vulnerable to exposure to lead, which can cause neurological and kidney damage, and stunt their growth.

Which means they'll leave a smaller "carbon footprint" on poor Mother Gaia, who reportedly has one foot in the grave already.

The vegetable garden was an important symbolic break with the George Bush presidency, and it became a cause for environmentalists and the organic food movement in America who had urged the Obamas to use the White House to set an example of healthy eating.

Because George W. Bush hates vegetables, just like he hates swarthy people. (Remember, he's a Nazi who was going to take away all of our rights after declaring himself "president for life" before proceeding to nuke the entire planet. Because Rove told him to.)

Michelle Obama invited dozens of 10- and 11-year olds from a state elementary school in a transitional neighbourhood of Washington to the White House last March to help her dig up a 1,100 square foot plot of land near her daughters' swing set. Photographers were let in to take pictures of her kneeling in the dirt and wielding garden tools.

Photographers swooned in ecstasy as they were permitted to take pictures of Michelle's fabulous, world-class arms.

Funny how when Dubya was photographed clearing brush on his ranch in Texas, that was a photo-op demonstrating phony machismo, but when Michelle poses alongside child stoop-laborers she's "setting an example".

The school children were invited back to tend the plot and just two weeks ago to bring in the first harvest: 73 lbs of lettuce, 12 lbs of snap peas and one cucumber. Obama and the children then trooped into the White House kitchen to wash lettuce and shell and cook the peas for lunch, which they ate outside on red and white checked tablecloths.

Why do you hate children, homeless women and foreigners, Mrs. Obama?

Obama "does" Wall Street (and us)

2009-05-03T15:06:00.006-05:00

According to Fox News today:

Wall Street is not going to play as dominant a role in the economy as regulations reduce "some of the massive leveraging and the massive risk-taking that had become so common," President Barack Obama says.

So our president, who has never had a single fucking job in the private sector, plans to permanently kneecap our economy. Given that he's a Cook County thug, I ought not be too surprised.

He also wants to see us headed toward "central planning":

"That means that more talent, more resources will be going to other sectors of the economy," he said. "I actually think that's healthy. We don't want every single college grad with mathematical aptitude to become a derivatives trader. We want some of them to go into engineering, and we want some of them to be going into computer design."

No, "we" sure as bloody fookin' hell wouldn't want Americans to pursue whatever career that they, as free individuals under our Constitution, wish to pursue. "We" definitely cannot allow Americans to pursue life, liberty and happiness which isn't mandated by the state. Because that wouldn't be "healthy".

Up yours, you goddamned half-honky, socialist piece of shit. You are clearly too ignorant to comprehend your oath of office, to which your above statement is absolutely antithetical.

The Obama administration is trying to restore more regulations on the financial sector to avoid some of the risk-taking that helped cause the current economic problems.

You mean the risk-taking which has made us the most prosperous and successful nation in all of human history? Or the "risk-taking" which atrocious government policies like the Community Reinvestment Act (not to mention strong-arming of lenders by community activists like yourself) actually mandated?

You also demanded and enabled policies which forced banks to loan money to poor credit risks, which led in large part to the financial disaster of last year. How'd that work out for you, Barry?

And now you think that even more government intrusion will make things better? As G.B. Shaw wrote in Pygmalion, "E's off 'is chump, 'e is!".

"Wall Street will remain a big, important part of our economy, just as it was in the '70s and the '80s," he said. "It just won't be half of our economy."

Unfortunately, that's the half of our economy which more than 50% of Americans were invested in through such things as pension plans, 401(k)s, etc. And lost their asses to the tunes of trillions of dollars in value. Much of that on your watch, bucko.

Obama said he expects that government efforts to fix the economy will cause long-term changes.

No shit, Poindexter.

"What I think will change, what I think was an aberration, was a situation where corporate profits in the financial sector were such a heavy part of our overall profitability over the last decade," he said.

Well, ain't gonna be so profitable now, is it? "Mission accomplished!", bub.

Obama said he's confident that people will regain trust and confidence in the financial system, but he believes it will take time.

Yup...at least long enough to throw this bum out of office and relegate his administration to the ash heap of history.

"I think it's important to understand that some of that wealth was illusory in the first place," he said.

As is your belief in your own competence, pally.

Lawrenceville as a Tourist Destination!

2009-03-25T10:28:00.008-05:00

I see in this morning's AJC that Gwinnett County will be opening a new Welcome Center for tourism and trade right here in beautiful downtown Larryville.

Jay Markwalter, executive director of the association, said the opening of the center is another piece in the city’s downtown revitalization efforts “to market Lawrenceville as a destination.” Plans also call for housing the city’s tourism and trade association’s offices there.

Now I'm all for encouraging tourists to, in the words of C. Montgomery Burns, "scurry in, empty their pockets and scuttle out". But we need to provide ~~marks~~ visitors with an incentive to come here. And part of that involves creating a "unique brand indentity" (as marketing folks like to say).

So what's unique about Larryville?

Well...there are numerous ~~Civil War~~ War Between the States sites which are potentially of interest to ~~suckers~~ guests, but Larryville isn't alone in that regard 'round these parts. And let's face it...the whole reenactment schtick has been done to, erm, death elsewhere.

While I'm not well-versed in the history of the area, there's one event for which Larryville is fairly well known on the national stage: the attempted murder of Larry Flynt on March 6, 1978. So my plan is to market our town as the "Attempted Assassination of Pornographers Capitol of America", given that he was shot near the courthouse right smack in the middle of town.

The confessed shooter was one Joseph Paul Franklin, who was born James Clayton Vaughan in Mobile, AL. He claimed that he was motivated to shoot Flynt because he was outraged over an interracial pictorial in "Hustler" magazine. According to Wikipedia:

In 1976 he changed his name to Joseph Paul Franklin. He selected Joseph Paul in honor of Paul Joseph Goebbels and Franklin after Benjamin Franklin.

As early as high school he had become very interested first in Evangelical Christianity, then Nazism and later held memberships in both the American Nazi Party and the Ku Klux Klan.

Franklin was a drifter, roaming up and down the East Coast, always looking for chances to "cleanse the world" of people he considered inferior, especially blacks and Jews.

Franklin's level of violence continuously escalated; before he committed his first known murder, he fire-bombed a synagogue and sprayed mace at a racially mixed couple. Starting in 1977, he went on a continual murder spree, supporting himself by robbing banks. He admitted his racist ideology; God, he said, wanted him to start a race war.

Franklin killed at random, and may have begun in Madison, Wisconsin. His target of choice were mixed-race couples, which he called "MRCs." In interviews, he explained that he planned the murders and his exit in advance, often changing his hair style and color, as well as changing clothes and vehicles often. He would listen to a police scanner during his escapes.

On one occasion, he threatened to kill President Jimmy Carter for his pro-civil rights views. He had also intended to shoot Jesse Jackson, but Jackson's security detail made an assassination attempt impossible; he changed his target to Vernon Jordan.

So how does all of the above present marketing and merchandising opportunities for Lawrenceville? In no particular order:

1) A daily courthouse tour culminating in a reenactment of the Flynt shooting. Local merchants could sell a variety of cheap souvenir pennants so that folks could root for Flynt, Franklin or neither.

2) Instead of renting Segways to tourists, we can rent them powered wheelchairs. These could also be used by visitors to participate in races, obstacle courses, etc. for cheesy souvenir prizes.

3) A combination Jim Crow/Holocaust museum and gift shop. (Which should, along with my status as the son of a Holocaust survivor, attract the "New York money men".)

4) Another gift shop selling memorabilia such as DVDs of "Falwell v. Flynt", Rodney A. Smolla's book Jerry Falwell v. Larry Flynt: The First Amendment on Trial (which is actually an excellent tome re the legal aspects of the case) and featuring replica copies of the "Hustler" issue which precipitated the entire event.

For an additional fee, tourists could purchase copies of the above autographed by Franklin, Flynt or both. (Not so sadly, Falwell's no longer available to sign copies of the book.)

5) A Hustler Lingerie shop.

6) (As suggested by an anonymous local hott redhead): A "dunk tank" featuring an actor portraying a paraplegic Flynt.

7) A tasteless carnival-like shooting gallery.

8) T-Shirts, T-Shirts, T-SHIRTS!!! ("The juiciest plum of all" - Krusty the Klown)

9) The opportunity for local eateries and bars to create and sell themed meals and beverages.

===================

That's just off the top of my head; I'm going to get started working on a formal proposal to the Lawrenceville Tourism and Trade Association later today.

WTH...they can only say "no". (Before running me out of town.)

Hey...I'm just trying to be a helpful citizen; sex and violence always sells! I've merely come up with a way for Larryville to leverage its history to create a unique brand and a one-of-a-kind tourist destination.

A "Thought Experiment"

2009-02-03T12:06:00.005-05:00

Imagine that during the period from 04/10-04/15 of this year, taxpayers sent first class letters (not emails, faxes, e-petitions, etc.) to their U.S. Representative, Senators, the heads of key committees (i.e, Ways and Means) and the White House containing a single sheet of paper bearing the following message:

"NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION."
Followed by a "very truly yours" and their signature.

And think about how the collective effect of a large enough number of citizens shelling out a couple of bucks in postage and 10-15 minutes of their time each might be mildly interesting. Possibly even amusing.

Just sayin'...

Time For Jesus To Take Out The Trash!

2009-01-26T17:04:00.007-05:00

[From top to bottom: Pope Benedict XVI, Bishop Richard Williamson]

[Yet again, apologies to my Catholic friends; this ain't about you.]

Vatican II is definitely past its sell-by date, since the Pope formerly known as Cardinal Joseph Ratbastard™ has un-excommunicated Holocaust denying bishop Richard Williamson:

Pope Benedict XVI’s rehabilitatation of a British bishop who denies that millions of Jews died in Nazi gas chambers has alarmed Catholics who fear it risks dealing a fatal blow to the inter-faith dialogue promoted by his predecessor.

Over the weekend the Pope issued a decree welcoming back into the Roman Catholic Church Richard Williamson, 68, and three other breakaway bishops excommunicated by John Paul II in 1988. The bishops had been ordained without Vatican permission by the renegade French archbishop Marcel Lefebvre, who rejected the reforms of the Second Vatican Council.

Hmmmm....doesn't sound like "rehabilitation" to me. The Unholy See's just getting back to business as usual: falsely blaming the Joos for killing that extra-special Joo about two millenia ago. (They won't come right out and say it, but that's what this crap's all about.)

Too bad that even with all of his spooky Son O' God powers, Jesus hasn't ever returned again to smite Benedict or his many vile predecessors, not to mention despicable second-stringers like Williamson.

Walking on water or changing it to wine's quite well and good, but I really wish he'd go all moneychanger on the Papal ass.

And quelle surprise that there's a French collaborator in this mess. Plus, as I've previously stated, you can take the Kraut out of the Fatherland, but you just can't take the Fatherland out of the Kraut.

Benedict’s actions are also reviving his old nickname when he was Cardinal Ratzinger — that of the “Panzerkardinal”, known for his hardline conservatism as head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

Well, I suppose they couldn’t very well have called him the *cough* “ZyklonBkardinal” *cough*, since that, er, never happened.

“This is not so much an act of grace as a surrender,” the veteran Vatican watcher Marco Politi said. Benedict wanted a new era of reconciliation, “but the new era has begun with a lie. The Pope has made a openly declared and unshakeable anti-Semite a legitimate Bishop”.

It's a goddamned miracle...a German surrendering to a Frenchman; what an age we live in!

Bishop Williamson, who has said that the Vatican is controlled by Satan and that the Jews are bent on world domination, reiterated in a broadcast last week on Swedish television that the historical evidence was “hugely against six million having been deliberately gassed in gas chambers as a deliberate policy of Adolf Hitler. I believe there were no gas chambers”.

Well then, Bishop...if the Vatican is controlled by Satan and you've just been un-excommunicated, whose minion does that make you, Mr. Smartypants?

I think that someone needs a little exorcism. Or perhaps it's time for his dirt-nap.

Father Federico Lombardi, the papal spokesman, insisted the lifting of the excommunications had “absolutely nothing to do” with Williamson’s views on the Holocaust. “One is not connected to the other,” he said. Vatican Radio said Williamson’s statements had been condemned by other members of the St Pius X fraternity.

That's rather a large load of Holy Shit.

Mainstream Media Takes A Cue From Monica Lewinsky

2009-01-25T15:19:00.013-05:00

It's less than a week after Mr. Obama's inauguration, and I'm already weary of the barely-metaphorical schlong-slobbering the media is bestowing upon The One™ and His family.

From the Cleveland Plain Dealer: "A first family that's not only endearing, but is one we can identify with and strive to be"!!

A young, busy, uncommonly traditional family moved into the White House last week, enchanting the nation, inspiring parents and offering a new model of the American family.

Well, okay...if an "uncommonly traditional family" consists of two millionaire ivy league attorneys who were married by a racist anti-semite and who espouse socialism.

Color me less than enthused.

Barack Obama, America's 44th president, arrived with a clan that smacks of an earlier era. Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, are the youngest residents of the Executive Mansion since the Kennedy children -- Carolyn and John John -- romped through the Oval Office in the 1960s.

Given that the allegedly "post-racial" Mr. Obama is demonstrably anything but, I'm highly amused at the statement he "arrived with a clan that smacks of an earlier era". Would that be the "Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) as a young Exalted Cyclops of the Ku Klux Klan" era?

And I loved the heavy-handed reference to the Kennedy kids - Carolyn, an upper class twit who thought she was entitled to a U.S. Senate seat and John-John, an upper class twit who slightly overestimated his piloting abilities.

But where some see an endearing reflection of the traditional nuclear family, others glimpse a household of the future. A family loving and religious, egalitarian and multicultural. With two adorable kids and room for the mother-in-law, the First Family seems to offer something any parent can identify with and strive toward.

Religious? Sure...if you don't mind a religion such as Black Liberation Theology which lionizes idiots like Jeremiah Wright (head pastor of the church Mr. Obama attended for nearly twenty years), who spout racist filth:

"Africans have a different meter, and Africans have a different tonality. Europeans have seven tones, Africans have five. White people clap differently than black people. Africans and African-Americans are right-brained, subject-oriented in their learning style. They have a different way of learning."

Loving? Mr. Obama referred to the white grandmother who raised him as "a typical white person" prior to tossing her into the crowd underneath his bus.

Egalitarian? I guess that's why the Obama girls are attending a tony private school, rather than the failing public schools which are supposed to be perfectly adequate for us proles.

Multicultural? We keep being told that Mr. Obama's is "America's First Black President", an appellation he has been only too glad to accept. But he's actually at least half-white. You can't have it both ways, folks. Was he "black" before the election and "multicultural" now?

I find racial identity politics so damned confusing, as I tend to judge people by their character. Silly me.

(Query: Does this mean that Bill Clinton has become "America's Zeroth Black President"?)

The article continues in a similarly smarmy vein; frankly, I can't bear to snark on any more of it.

Sadly, the drooling adoration has also infected our cousins across the pond, as witness this in The Sunday Times: Michelle Obama: America's Lady Diana?

Michelle Obama’s flair for fashion has captivated Washington and set the hearts of glossy magazine editors aflutter. She has already eclipsed Carla Bruni, the super-model chanteuse and wife of Nicolas Sarkozy, the hyperactive French president. Not since Diana, Princess of Wales, has there been such a glamorous role model at the apex of society.

I would point out that what probably eclipsed Ms. Bruni was actually Mrs. Obama's non-trivial fundament.

Michelle, 45, has a theatrical sense of style, from off-the-rack colourful clothes from J Crew at less than $100 a throw, to pricey designer outfits such as the sparkling lemongrass matching dress and coat that she wore to the inauguration ceremony. But she is determined to carve out a role at the White House that is more than national clothes horse.

Ru Paul also possesses a "theatrical sense of style"; just sayin'...

===================

That's it...I can't stand any more; GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Pope Benedict XVI Still A Jew-Hating Cocksucker

2009-01-22T21:38:00.019-05:00

[Once again, I apologize to my Catholic friends...but your current spiritual leader is an evil bastard.]

Just two weeks after the ambulatory turd formerly known as Joseph Ratzinger had fuck-all to say about an official Vatican statement comparing Gaza to a concentration camp, he's at it again:

The Pope is preparing to cancel the excommunication of four traditionalist Catholic bishops including one who believes the Holocaust never happened and the gas chambers were a myth.

Riiiiight. My then-thirteen-year-old Dad and his family won a fabulous vacation to fucking jazz camp in Zemlin, Yugoslavia where, after a luxurious trip via cattle car, they taught Dad to play his axe - actually more of a hatchet - and, erm, strongly encouraged him to practice...by chopping trees. For about 14 hours a day. Every day.

And he totally dug the mass graves, too, man; he doubled on shovel.

Sure...no Holocaust. It was a motherfuckin' Funocaust! "Bring the whole family! And don't forget to tip your capos; they're working hard to sell you out. Try the cabbage soup!"

Pope Benedict XVI has already signed the decree lifting the excommunication of the four bishops of the ultra-conservative Society of St Pius X, according to well-sourced reports in the Italian press today.

One of the bishops, Richard Williamson, an English former Anglican and graduate of Winchester and Cambridge, gave an interview to Swedish TV this week in which he said: “There were no gas chambers.”

That's true...all the fumes were the result of everyone eating cabbage soup all the time and being crammed three-deep onto shelves in their "cabins". Sadly, camp-goers frequently ignored the "NO SMOKING" signs and, well, shit happens.

However, Bishop Williamson’s statements on the Holocaust and comments he has made endorsing the anti-Semitic forgery the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, threaten to derail the Pope’s plans.

Like an over-loaded cattle car full of happy jazz campers.

Despite the fact that the Protocols are a blood-libel, I'd be very glad to drain both Bishop Williamson and His Assholiness of every venal, foul drop of blood in their bodies and freeze it just on the off-chance we decide to start making "New & Improved" matzoh.

If Benedict XVI goes ahead with lifting the excommunication in spite of Bishop Williamson’s comments, that will in turn wreak havoc on more than 40 years of attempts to rebuild relations with the Jewish community after nearly two millennia of Christian anti-Semitism culminating in the Holocaust.

The Altar-Boy-Buggerer-In-Chief was quoted as saying "Ze last forty-some years vas an aberrrrration mit ze Juden; ve haff a lot uf lost time to make up, ja? Today ze Vatican, TOMORROW ZE VORLD!!"

The damage will be doubled, coming as it will on top of the Pope’s revival of the Tridentine Mass last year with its Good Friday prayer for the conversion of the Jews.

Into soap and lampshades?

Relations between the Catholic Church and world Jewry have been improving since the 1965 Vatican II document Nostra Aetate, which included the statement: “The Church deplores all hatreds, persecutions, displays of anti-Semitism leveled at any time or from any source against the Jews.”

"Unless we're doing it to them."

If there were any goddamned justice in this world (which there mostly isn't), Ratzinger would be stripped, whipped, forced to schlep an enormous cross until he collapses while people kick him, spit on him and use him as a human toilet before nailing his skanky ass to the cross.

Followed by an enormous clap of thunder and a humongous hand emerging from a cloud to point at the dying piece of filth while a Don LaFontaine-esque voice from the sky intones, "DID YOU FORGET THAT JESUS WAS A JEW, YOU MISERABLE, NAZI-SYMPATHIZING BASTARD?"

Culminating with said giant hand ripping the Papal Anti-Semite from his cross, transporting him swiftly to Hell and forcefully impailing him on The Barbed Cock Of Satan™.

Accompanied by a jazzy rendition of "I'll Be Glad When You're Dead, You Rascal You" performed by Mel Tormé, Benny Goodman, Zoot Sims, Stan Getz, Denny Zeitlin, André Previn, Paul Desmond and Artie Shaw; hotcha!

FAIL! to the (Bigot-In-) Chief

2009-01-19T13:27:00.008-05:00

Mr. Obama:

While I have very many policy disagreements with you, I've got an even more personal bone to pick.

For nearly twenty years, you belonged to a rabidly racist and anti-semitic "church", where you were baptized, married and had your children baptized. Yet you claim you never, ever once heard any of the poison being spewed from the pulpit.

In almost two decades.

And for that reason alone, go fuck yourself, sir.

You may have been duly elected but you shall never be my president nor will you have my support, you prevaricating bigot.

Is "zinger" German for "bastard"?

2009-01-08T21:06:00.013-05:00

"Thank you...thank you...you're too kind. So, a Catholic priest, a child molester and a rapist walk into a bar...and that's just the first guy!"

[A note to my Catholic friends: You are likely to find this rant patently offensive; please understand that my problem is with the Holy See, not you.]

======================

Joseph Ratzinger, aka Pope Benedict XVI, shows us once again that you can take the Kraut out of the Fatherland, but you can't take the Fatherland out of the Kraut. On 01/08/09, the Vatican issued a statement comparing Gaza to a "big concentration camp".

Yup, Your Assholiness...Gaza's just like a concentration camp. Except for the slave labor, medical experiments, Zyklon B and crematoria...but why quibble about minutiae, eh?

The Pope today condemned the use of violence by both Israel and Hamas in his annual speech to diplomats accredited to the Holy See. "Once again I would repeat that military options are no solution and that violence, wherever it comes from and whatever form it takes, must be firmly condemned," he said in an even-handed address.

He rejected "hatred, acts of provocation and the use of arms" and deplored the renewed outbreak of violence in Gaza which was "provoking immense damage and suffering for the civilian population".

He then muttered, "What the hell is wrong with you filthy Judenschwein that you won't just roll-over and die, along with the Gypsies, retards and homos? Hey wait a minute...is this thing still on? Scheiβ, scheiβ, SCHEIβ!!"

Echoing Pope Benedict's calls for an end to the bloodshed in the Gaza Strip, Cardinal Renato Martino, head of the Vatican Council for Justice and Peace, urged Israeli and Hamas to be "more willing" to hold peace talks. He accused both sides of only thinking of their own interests while civilians paid the price.

Cardinal Martino expressed concern over the humanitarian situation, saying "Let's look at the conditions in Gaza: these increasingly resemble a big concentration camp."

Except for the slave labor, medical experiments, Zyklon B and crematoria...

He added: "Defenceless populations are always the ones who pay."

Like the European Jews in the '30s and '40s, about whom Pope Pius XII (who deserves beatification about as much as Joe Stalin) did very little.

Or those Jews that your delightful cult came after during the Inquisition, like my forebear Jacob Lopez D'Olivera.

Not to mention the Jews today trying to live some sort of life in southern Israel, in-between rocket and mortar attacks from Gaza - frequently during a cease-fire which only one side honored.

It's painfully evident that the worms in a dog's stool have vastly greater moral authority than Catholic church officials; these are the same profoundly evil cocksuckers who for decades shuffled known child rapists from parish to parish. Non-consensual assfucking of altar boys is a stellar way of demonstrating God's love for the innocent. Especially when the only members of their flock whom the church actually protected were the disgusting "men of God" who committed those atrocious acts in the first place.

I would have thought that perhaps heinous behavior like that might make the baby Jesus cry; guess not.

Cardinal Martino made his comments to the Italian website IlSussidiario.net. He said that Christians "are not the only ones to call this land 'holy', Jews and Muslims do so too. The fact that this land is the scene of bloodshed seems a great tragedy. If they can't come to an agreement, then someone else should do it. The world cannot sit back and watch without doing anything."

Precious little of the bloodshed over thousands of years in the Holy Land was started by the Jews; rather, it was frequently their blood. Besides, you assholes fucking love bloodshed; it's part of your quaint little vampiric/cannibalistic rituals.

Jesus...nom, nom, nom.

So, Unholy See, if you can show me just one goddamned lampshade or bar of soap unquestionably made out of a Palestinian by the Israelis, I'll concede that comparing Gaza to a concentration camp might be valid.

Otherwise, kindly fold your pointy hats until they're even pointier and then sodomize yourselves with them. Which is probably a sin of some sort.

In which case, do us all a favor; don't confess it...kindly just drop dead and go to the Hell you so richly deserve.

Tax The Candy-Rich!

2008-10-13T13:23:00.011-05:00

As an adult, I have to agonize every year about what to wear for Halloween. It was so much easier as a kid, since I didn't care all that much about my costume...I was in it for the candy. And we didn't really have money to invest in any materials for a costume, let alone a pre-made one; somehow, we made do and I freakin' loved Halloween anyway.

But the annual quandary remains: what to wear...what to wear?

After much thought, I've decided to dress-up as Barack Obama for Halloween. (Which, as a Cracker-Ofay-Mista' Charlie-White Devil- Honkie-American, probably makes me some sort of racist, but then again, what doesn't make me a racist in today's climate?)

Be that as it may, my costume will provide an excellent opportunity to provide the local urchins with an important "teachable moment".

You see, I intend to exact a "Windfall Candy Tax" from the little beggars, just as Mr. Obama intends to do to the oil companies.

(BTW, concept of "windfall profits" has a long and odious history in America. The phrase originated back when colonists were prohibited by the Crown from using any lumber one foot or wider unless an act of God such as a storm knocked down a tree on your property. In which case you were beneficently permitted to use the lumber or sell it; if a severe storm caused several trees to fall on your property, you were said to have windfall profits.)

Anyway, if it's fair to extort something from, say, oil companies, I don't see why it's not also fair to do it to "the children". Here's my rationale:

Oil companies, like nearly all American corporations, have rather large (as a percentage of revenues) expenses: payroll and associated taxes, equipment and materials purchases, maintenance and repairs of said equipment, R&D, rent and/or mortgages, liability insurance, construction costs, legal costs, other taxes and so forth.

They are also taking a non-trivial financial risk simply being in business.

But the little costumed scamps may have as little as $0.00 invested in their costumes. A ratty old bedsheet with a couple of eye-holes makes a perfectly acceptable "ghost". A corrugated box with a few holes and some dials drawn in magic marker makes a fine "robot". Actual cost of either costume: effectively nothing; no financial risk involved.

Which means that each and every miniature Charleston Chew, Baby Ruth, Mike & Ikes, etc. represents pure profit to the revelers. I'll even be fair and decree any licorice, popcorn balls or jellybeans as "bad debts" and "write-downs", since nearly all kids hate that crap.

Yet even with that exceedingly generous concession, every single tasty little morsel in their sacks is pure profit without the beneficiaries having risked a single penny. And that strikes me as flat-out un-American.

So I will explain patiently to the little costumed darlings that since they're receiving the boon of "unexpected" goodies, they must forfeit 40% of their candy to me. Because I am far too old to get away with directly availing myself of Halloween's largesse and thus am capriciously declaring myself to be a "deprived due to no fault of my own, but still worthy person" and, as such, am "deserving" of redistributed candy.

A stance which I believe is perfectly reasonable in today's America. (After all, the federal government makes more in taxes on every dollar of gasoline sold at retail than the oil companies make in profits. And then Congress demonizes the companies while taxing their profits, too.)

I will patiently explain to the kiddies that my plan happens to be every bit as "fair" as what the government does to oil companies as well as their working mommies and daddies. (Whom I feel certain will laud my efforts to help educate their children in the ways of the world as well as helping to reduce the terrible scourge of childhood obesity.)

I feel very strongly about this, as Halloween actually teaches kids numerous bad lessons about life.

For starters, they don disguises, often wearing a mask or extreme make-up in order to hide their true identity. Thus prepared, the perpetrators then proceed to show-up uninvited at all of the homes in their neighborhood and demand "treats" (i.e., gratis sweet, sweet candy) in exchange for not performing "tricks" (i.e., egging your house, toilet-papering your rhododendrons, etc.).

You can pretty-it-up any way you like, but Halloween reduces to, "That's a nice little split-level home you've got there, mister; it'd be a real shame if shaving cream accidentally got squirted into your mail slot or a flaming bag of dog doo just happened to wander onto your doorstep..."

When guys named, say, Vinnie Ragucci or Jesse Jackson do that sort of thing, it's considered a "shakedown" and (occasionally) the malefactors actually go to jail. But when minors do it on October 31st of every year, it's considered "adorable"; the children are praised and (occasionally) the malefactors get an extra Milky Way miniature.

Now what sort of lesson is that for the children? It not only rewards them for threats and intimidation; it also gives them an entitlement mentality.

Which prepares them quite nicely to be "community organizers" or other non-productive leeches on society.

Such as politicians.

Yet more male enhancement spam fun

2008-06-09T09:20:00.008-05:00

Upgrade it to a huge volume

My penis is calibrated up to 11; so are my testicles, for a combined volume of 22.

There is a reason why superman wears his underwear on the outside.

Well, at least that way, his underwear never gets shit-stained.

Your erected size will shock everyone, including yourself!

Does it become an electric eel of some sort? zOMG!!1!

What They Don't Want You to Know About Your Penis!

Is it involved in some sort of government conspiracy or cover-up? Is it a Freemason? Illuminatus? Did it bring down the WTC? I simply must know!

Nothing beats a huge stick

Except an even huger stick. Or a gun. Probably a nuke, too.

Your newly increased pole will stimulate more receptors inside your lassie!

But what if I don't own a collie (with or without "receptors")?

Once she claps her eyes on your increased and more mighty tool, she's yours for the taking!

I'd prefer that "clap" not be mentioned in the same sentence with my "mighty tool".

Rocket rod pleases girls

Cool...I've always wanted a hydrazine-powered penis.

A rapid and secure growth of your thing is now guaranteed! Start acting today to become an unmatched lover!

What "thing" are we talking about...my penis or my 401(k)? (If the former, being an "unmatched lover" isn't going to do me much good, is it?

Girls will hunt you in the streets!

Oh swell...I've always wanted to be a trophy. Which head will she mount?

This remedy is in aid of your most painful weakness - small dimensions!

But what if I'm not claustrophobic?

Hit a home run every day with your rocket arm

In addition to sounding painful (especially if it means whacking my own balls out of the park), I suspect this would violate the rules of Major League Baseball.

It's Getting Crowded Under The Obama Campaign Bus

2008-06-02T09:28:00.007-05:00

My goodness...before the end of May, Obama had tossed his "typical white person" Grandma, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Father Michael Pfleger and Trinity UCC under the bus.

Will Michelle be next?

[To the tune of "I've Got You Under My Skin"]

I've thrown you under my bus
Because you're all liabilities
You're liable to cause more campaign instabilities
So I've thrown you under my bus

I tried so hard not to cuss
I said to myself: this campaign seems to be going well
Until you opened your yaps and said stuff that ain't so swell
So I've thrown you under my bus

I'd sacrifice anyone come what might
For the sake of winning the race
I took your campaign advice every day and night;
You've repeatedly brought me disgrace

Don't you know, stupid fools, you're causing a fuss
Your irrationality exposed my venality
And each time you talk, it makes voters balk
So there's nothing left to discuss
Thus I've thrown you under my bus
Yes I've thrown you under my bus

Cleveland's economy is on life support, but we have a low carbon footprint! Hurrah!

2008-05-29T09:26:00.022-05:00

[Ted Turner and his eco-minion Captain Planet; a billionaire really should have made sure his superhero's tights don't have a baggy crotch.]

According to the Plain Dealer's Laura Johnston, when decades of lousy politicians hand you lemons, make lemonade!

"Cleveland has low carbon footprint"

Clevelanders are getting something right when it comes to global warming.

The five-county, Cleveland-Elyria-Mentor area has the 31st smallest per-capita carbon footprint among the 100 largest American metropolitan areas, says a report to be released today by the Brookings Institution in Washington, D.C.

Yup...turns out our crappy regional economy, caused by decades of high taxes, over-regulation and moronic, venal leadership is good for Gaia! Yay!

We each spew 2.2 metric tons of carbon into the atmosphere every year by driving on the highway, heating our houses and running our appliances. Carbon is the standard currency that scientists use to talk about air pollutants, encompassing the carbon present in coal, gasoline and carbon dioxide emissions.

In weight, that beats the 1.44 metric tons of solid waste each of us Cuyahoga County residents throws out each year. In the form of carbon dioxide gas, that much carbon would amount to a million gallons - enough to fill 1 Olympic swimming pools.

According to Wikipedia and some quick math, a typical Olympic size swimming pool's volume is a minimum of 660,430 U.S. gallons, depending on its depth. A pool containing 1,000,000 U.S. gallons would have to be slightly over 50% deeper than a typical pool of this size.

50% is not a trivial difference.

Additionally, the volume of a given amount of gas is highly dependent upon its pressure. The more pressure it is under, the less volume it occupies.

Lastly, "weight" and "volume" are apples and oranges; they have no direct correlation to one another.

But hey...let's not worry about any actual science, because we don't want to harsh the buzz brought on by this stellar news about the environment!

Still, the number pales next to the 2.6 metric tons of carbon emitted by the average American. And that matters since carbon dioxide accounts for about 84 percent of the U.S. greenhouse gases scientists say are accelerating climate change.

Wow...I'm pretty certain that I'm not personally emitting anywhere near that much carbon, else I should expect my apartment would require significantly more vacuuming and dusting. With a leaf blower and bulldozer.

"The fact that Cleveland wasn't at the bottom of the list is very exciting," said Andrew Watterson, Cleveland's sustainability program manager.

Ooooh...that is exciting! We're going down the tubes economically, but that makes Gaia happy, so it's actually good news! Whee!

The good news contradicts a Purdue University report last month that ranked Cuyahoga County fourth worst among more than 3,141 U.S. counties for carbon dioxide emissions. The Purdue study looked at industrial sources of carbon dioxide and ranked counties based on Environmental Protection Agency figures and local air pollution records.

But, but, but...I thought the "science" of global warmening was settled. Albert "Wide Carbon Stance" Gore and the UN IPCC say so. (Except for all of the scientists who have repeatedly asked the IPCC to remove their names from reports because they think said reports are complete shite. But what do they know, they're only, um, like, scientists.) Additionally, oh, look...a drowning polar bear!! Awwwww...poor thing.

[*Snip* a bunch of figures which I'm certain are meaningless, given the author's demonstrable utter ignorance of the most basic high school science.]

Regardless, local officials and national policy gurus are pushing us and every metropolis to do better.

Regardless? Freakin' regardless?? When it comes to real science (as opposed to "Pseudo-Science People Conjured From Their Gastrointestinal Tracts"), data that are so far apart mean that something's very seriously wrong. You can't just make the problem go away by saying "regardless".

Jesus H. Christ and His Orchestra! This woman is clueless and feckless.

"We've got a long way to go," said David Beach, director of GreenCityBlueLake Institute at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History. "The good news with that is we can make a lot of progress by building cities with dramatically more efficient and nonpolluting energy systems, transportation systems and buildings."

Sure...we'll just get rid of the old cities and build new, non-polluting ones filled with hydrogen powered vehicles, bicycles, buildings cooled by lawns growing on their roofs, "Kumbaya" blasting from the solar powered public address system, rainbows festooning the skies and populate them with unicorns, puppies and hippies redolent of organic patchouli.

One small problem: I suspect that properly disposing of all those old cities is gonna put a little strain on landfills; just sayin'...

Watterson wants to improve buildings' efficiency, invest in public transportation and rethink the way Clevelanders live. But he's thrilled we're talking about carbon emissions and fuel efficiency.

I hope Watterson is planning on "investing" his own money, but suspect that he actually intends on extracting it from me at the point of government's guns. Hey, Andy...is that a carbon nodule in your trousers or are you just "thrilled" at the prospect of controlling others' behavior?

So is Andrea Sarzynski, an author of the Brookings report.

The study lists ways the federal government should battle climate change, such as putting a price on carbon emissions, investing in research, promoting public transit and creating incentives to buy energy-efficient houses.

Except we clearly have no method at present of accurately measuring carbon emissions for an individual or a city; it's all done by computer modeling or simply inventing numbers, otherwise their wouldn't be such a disparity between Purdue's and Brookings' "conclusions". And "creating incentives" almost surely means even more wealth transfer via ridiculous "tax abatement" schemes and other foolishness which makes sense only to government officials and ecoweenies.

But state and local governments, as well as average citizens, matter too, she said.

Of course...because the forthcoming tomfoolery will require productive individuals (aka "citizens") in order to generate the enormous monies required for state and local governments (made up of totally non-productive individuals) to skim while transferring it from one sector to another.

"It's not just the green-minded people," she said. "Basically gas prices are going up to the point where . . . we're all talking about things we can do to conserve. Where it hits people in their pocketbooks, that's when they're going to start thinking about their own behavior and improving their own carbon footprint."

Actually, the reason that fuel prices are currently so high is largely due to the actions of the U.S. Congress and the environmental movement for the past three decades...but that's a screed for another time.

Emails? We don't know nothin' 'bout no emails!

2008-05-10T07:43:00.007-05:00

["Fake but accurate" file photo]

Here's the latest in the Cleveland Shitty Council's "Mystery Of The Disappearing Emails":

Cleveland City Councilman Joe Santiago turned over three computers from his ward office Friday to city officials and will open his personal e-mail account to be searched for e-mails about his relationship with a controversial bar .

Computer experts will also begin a "deep dive" of the city's outdated computer system today in an attempt to find missing e-mails to Santiago's City Hall account from May 2006 to July 2007, a period in which Santiago helped obtain a liquor permit for La Copa.

The bar on Clark Avenue near West 25th Street is managed by a convicted drug dealer and which now draws complaints from neighbors about fights, gunshots and rowdy behavior.

Results of the city computer search should be available, in part, by Wednesday.

Because city information technology employees could not locate the e-mails, the city has hired paying Visual Evidence/E-Discovery, a downtown Cleveland firm.

The company president, Daniel Copfer Sr., is the brother of Ron Copfer, a political insider who owns Fathom IT Consulting. Fathom is finishing a $321,000 upgrade to city council's systems, including the e-mail system the e-mails cannot be recovered from.

The search on all the computers will cost about $25,000, said Katherine Samsa, a spokesperson for Council President Martin Sweeney.

"Council's working hard at this and acknowledging that the state of our system is unacceptable," she said.

Sure...what could possibly be inappropriate in hiring the brother of the political hack IT "consultant" to attempt recovery of the emails?

"Independent data recovery services would have been really, really expensive. But good ol' Ron got us a 'family discount' so that we can save the taxpayers money, 'cause we're lookin' out for you. Trust me...$25K is a super special deal! It's for the children!"

E-mails to and from city accounts are public records under state law ands are supposed to be retained, but the city has been unable to meet The Plain Dealer's request for them.

Sweeney said this week that the city system does not save e-mails accessed from outside, nor does it save e-mails forwarded to outside accounts. That focused attention on the computers in Santiago's ward office where an assistant often opened the messages.

"Additionally, the dog ate our email server."

David Eden, a spokesman for Santiago, said the councilman turned over the computers because he has nothing to hide. A council employee picked all three up from the ward office Friday afternoon.

"If there's anything on there, they get it," Eden said.

My guess is that a clumsy, half-assed attempt has been made to "sanitize" the computers. I predict that these efforts will prove quite successful.

Next week, Eden said he and Santiago will go through Santiago's personal account on the hosting company Juno with an IT consultant and print any e-mails to or from Santiago's council e-mail account. He will not simply turn over the entire account to the city, Eden said.

Because who knows what other damning malfeasance ~~might~~ would almost certainly be found?

A representative of the city's law department could attend if necessary, Eden said.

As long as it's another crony with skeletons in their closet.

Eden said Santiago could not do that on Friday because he was at Lutheran Hospital with a kidney infection and wants to be there in person as the Juno account is checked.

Originally, the excuse was going to be that Santiago was in the hospital giving birth to an adopted Chinese orphan with AIDS as well as delivering a litter of puppies (awwww...puppies!) until it was pointed-out that even the average voting moron in Cleveland might not buy that.

Eden did not know if Santiago saves e-mails in a filing system or if Juno deletes them automatically over time. He said Santiago would grant permission for Juno to search its own computer records for that period, if needed.

Council considered doing the extensive search of the city computer system on Friday, but the system must be shut down. The search will occur on Saturday instead.

Because it's so much easier to search computers which are shut down. Plus, we can get us some o' that sweet, sweet overtime, baybee!

Samsa did not know why it would take until Wednesday for results and the company could not be reached Friday evening.

Oooh...color me "surprised"!

"Cleveland: All the corruption of Chicago, but without the pesky robust economy!"

More "Male Enhancement" Mailbag Malesac! (Uh huh huh huh huh!)

2008-05-08T14:21:00.010-05:00

Booster for your manhood!

About time, too...it's getting tired of sitting at the kids' table.

Enlarge your bell-rope length

"Sanctuary!" (Well, it does bear a slight resemblance to Charles Laughton; must be the wen.)

Enlarge your device length - Your wife loves Big Daddy...

Actually, I don't think she fantasizes about Burl Ives too often.

Enlarge your instrument size

Hey...I used to have a Hammond B3 organ; I'm just as happy I've downsized my rig.

Rev up your lovemaking life

Vroom, vroom!

Upsize your sex pen1s easily

Wow...some people have a special pen1s that's just for sex? How bourgeoise; hmmmph!

Catch the eye of every woman

"Ow...quit it!" (I've heard of being blinded by lust, but this is ridiculous.)

Can't you reach her cervix uteri?

Well, I've got some BBQ tongs if she's got more than one uterus; just sayin'.

Turn it into a thing she will never forget

Like with malevolent bloodshot eyes and venom-dripping fangs?

Whip your pecker into shape

"Ow, quit it!" redux

Make your girlfriend worship you

"Jesu Christo...you are not gonna nail me with that thing!"

The Cleveland Plain Dealer's David Briggs: Obama Shill, Clueless Political Hack, Or Both?

2008-05-04T13:48:00.011-05:00

In the "Ethics" section of yesterday's PD, Mr. Briggs wrote a column entitled "Politics is poisoning our discourse on racial issues".

His main contention seems to be that Mr. Obama ought not be called to account for his decades-long membership at Trinity UCC and his very personal association with Jeremiah Wright. (Despite the fact Obama acknowledges that Wright brought him to Jesus, performed his marriage, baptized his kids and has been the recipient of big donations.)

Mr. Briggs begins by asserting:

No one said being a prophet would be easy.

He continues with fulsome praise for Wright's accomplishments, including how he helped inspire Obama's presidential aspirations, before continuing:

What no one counted on was a political culture that would reduce thousands of sermons into a couple of shocking sound bites that portray the pastor and former Marine as racist and anti-American. And that the controversy would go so far that Wright and Obama would turn against each other in public.

Oh, sure...aside from the sound bites (which came from DVDs sold by Trinity UCC), I'm certain Wright's never, ever spewed such garbage. Not even on camera in front of the NAACP or National Press Club as recently as last week.

Apparently, Briggs is either completely unaware (or deliberately ignorant) that Wright is a vocal proponent of "black liberation theology", a pathetic, racist bunch of claptrap initially promulgated in America by theologian James Cone. In Cone's own words:

Black theology refuses to accept a God who is not identified totally with the goals of the black community. If God is not for us and against white people, then he is a murderer, and we had better kill him. The task of black theology is to kill Gods who do not belong to the black community ... Black theology will accept only the love of God which participates in the destruction of the white enemy. What we need is the divine love as expressed in Black Power, which is the power of black people to destroy their oppressors here and now by any means at their disposal. Unless God is participating in this holy activity, we must reject his love.

In other words, Cone claims that a God who doesn't want to kill whitey ain't worth shit; that doesn't sound very loving or inclusive to me.

Some other highlights from Cone's ~~writings~~ bigoted frothings:

All white men are responsible for white oppression.
==========
What we need is the divine love as expressed in Black Power, which is the power of black people to destroy their oppressors here and now by any means at their disposal.
==========
Any advice from whites to blacks on how to deal with white oppression is automatically under suspicion as a clever device to further enslavement.

This would seem to distill down to "shut the fuck up and/or die, honky motherfuckers". But I digress; nothing to see here, folks.

Briggs continues:

For black and white religious leaders, it is a sad day in American politics.

Hillary Clinton, Obama's opponent for the Democratic presidential nomination, and right-wing commentators have exploited fears among significant numbers of white voters by creating a "scary" black figure in Wright, religious critics say. A campaign that had been historic in its ability to transcend race is mired in old racial divisions.

I believe it's more accurate to say that Obama's campaign (which had included Wright as an advisor) had simply attempted to ignore race, as they knew damned well what would happen when that particular can of worms got opened.

The truth of the matter is that Wright is scary.

And black.

It is neither possible nor desirable to ignore those facts.

In his speech to the NAACP last week, Wright claimed that black children learn differently from white children because blacks are right-brained and whites are left-brained. (This also begs the question: is Mr. Obama ambidextrous-brained? Enquiring white brains want to know.)

Wright's claims about "learning" are scary, not to mention racist stuff. But again, I digress; back to Briggs' column:

"This whole thing has had nothing at all to do with Jeremiah Wright," said the Rev. Marvin McMickle, pastor of Antioch Baptist Church in Cleveland. "This was an attack on the prospect of a black president."

Actually, it has everythng to do with a credible, major party presidential candidate who is closely associated with a racist dirtbag. Personally, I'd be very happy to vote for a black presidential candidate, but he or she would have to be someone who supported my own views. Like Thomas Sowell, whom I believe to be one of the keenest intellects of our age.

What America is left with is not a national discussion on racial and economic injustice that would have been a serious response to Wright's ministry. We are left with a political conversation on how much Obama will suffer from being a member of Wright's church.

It didn't have to be this way.

Yeah...because there ought to be no questions whatsoever asked of Obama about his long-term relationship with Wright; perhaps it's one of those "you wouldn't understand; it's a black thing" things.

And what the hell is "economic injustice", a phrase I've always had trouble parsing. Does money somehow violate the rights of black people? Sic dogs on them or spray them with fire hoses? Is it only worth $0.67 on the dollar when it resides in a black persons' wallet or is deposited into their bank account? Is there a different currency exchange rate for black folks?

The unprecedented attack on Obama because of his pastor began with the charge that Trinity United Church of Christ was racist because of its motto, "Unashamedly Black and Unapologetically Christian." How many presidential candidates whose churches have been unashamedly all-white have received similar criticism?

It's not the motto; "it's the theology, stupid".

By sifting through years of Wright's sermons, critics found incendiary comments in which Wright uses an obscenity to refer to the United States or says it could be called the "U.S. of KKK-A."

Actually, not much "sifting" was involved; it only required purchasing DVDs from Trinity and watching them.

Missing from much of the conversation is the context of those lengthy sermons on a history of racial injustice and economic subjugation of the poor that religious leaders of many faiths have railed against. Within the tradition of the black church, where pastors often are expected to be social and political advocates, provocative sermons provide hope and inspire reform.

But don't you dare question their tax-free status. "Economic subjugation"? Briggs, uh, puh-lease!

That pastors such as Wright sometimes cross the line on reasonable discourse was evident this week when Wright affirmed his earlier statements that AIDS may have been a government conspiracy against blacks.

The fact that AIDS is also affecting non-black folks just goes to reaffirm my belief that government can't do anything right.

Obama rightly disowned this allegation and others as "a bunch of rants that aren't grounded in truth."

Obama added, "But they're so hilariously fucking entertaining, I couldn't keep myself from listening to them regularly for the past seventeen years, tossing a few bucks into the collection plate and sharing them with my children. Yeah, it's for the children; that's the ticket!"

But what we cannot do is silence pastors as they challenge us. Nor can we allow Obama's political opponents to use Wright to feed racial prejudices.

No; we should in-turn challenge pastors who spew this sort of vile, bigoted shit. And we cannot allow a man who is asking for the job of leader of the free world to weasel out of the inconvenient truth that he has been affiliated with this poisonous demagogue for quite a few years. Further, Obama's political opponents don't need to use Wright to feed racial prejudices; Wright's doing a splendid job without their assistance. You go, Reverend!

When he first addressed Wright's comments in March, Obama said Americans need to acknowledge the profound misunderstandings we have on race and work to heal those wounds.

Agreed; I cannot understand the profound lack of gratitude from a wide swath of the black community for all of us ofays who put our lily-white asses on the line for equality. Believe me, it is a bit hurtful; we pale, left-brained people have feelings, too. Black clergymen really ought to quit hatin' on us Mister Charlie-Americans.

"If we walk away now, if we simply retreat into our respective corners, we will never be able to come together and solve challenges like health care or education or the need to find good jobs for every American," he said.

I, myself, am not walking away; I am being pushed away by the vicious hatred from some members of the black community. And if you want to solve the above challenges, get the damned government out of every aspect of our lives. Just like my man Tom Sowell advocates.

Those are the words of a prophet.

Nah...they're the words of a pandering asshole who's been caught with his robes hitched-up to his waist.

Random penis enlargement come-ons

2008-04-23T14:28:00.028-05:00

Just because it's a cheap and easy post, here are the most amusing "male enhancement" spam scams which have arrived recently:

Superman liqueur. Your Ding Dong will be exclusive.

Gosh...I had no idea that I was sharing my Ding Dong. Or that Kal-El™ brand Creme de Menthe would eliminate such an affliction.

New way of changing your big daddy size.

I wonder if Tennessee Williams was aware of this when he wrote "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof"? And is this why Burl Ives was corpulent?

Chicks will drive mad with you if you enlarge your banana. Your girl loves big main organ but the problem is that you have small one. Do not worry! You have astonishing chance to solve this trouble. Now you can lengthenn [sic] your main organ length. You will be a king of bed surely enough.

Women will ride in my vehicle when I have road rage if I embiggen my herbaceous plant of the genus Musa?

Okay...perhaps my "main organ" is completely pathetic. However, my subsidiary organ is freakin' ginormous and astonishing, so it's all good. (Although I still miss my Hammond B3 sometimes; just sayin'.)

Upgrade yourself today with our solutions.

K3wL...an upgrade to Penis 3.1! (Hey...I've been around computers enough to know better than to install version x.0 of anything.)

Short way to your true male power!

Um, I'd prefer the long way.

Whip out your trunk and watch her cry in pleasure.

Sounds more like, erm, peanuts enlargement.

Become more courageous in your romantic relationships with this new increasing formula! Fight your uncertainty by getting your tool bigger!

[bertlahr]

"What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage!"

"What if you couldn't find her clitoris?"

"I'd show her who was king of the fores'!"

[/bertlahr]

Attain the desired proportion!

You mean like eight heads high? (I said "head"; uh huh huh huh huh huh.)

Time to repair your male plumbing!

With a pipe wrench, flux and a blowtorch? I think not.

Your male device is super!

Yup...it wears a cape and has a secret identity.

Big penis is your main weapon.

Sure. But I keep a smaller holdout penis in my boot; you can never be too careful.

You admire to enlarge you male machine size but do not know how.

You admire to right [sic] a grammatical English sentence but do not know how.

The road to your love success begins with a shift of your love stick.

First gear; it's all right. Second gear; I lean right. Third gear; please don't bite...

I know this works, for I am a new man with a humongous schI@ng, get yours now.

I'm @n old m@n with @ perfectly @dequate schI@ng; th@nks @nyw@y.

Ejaculate and shoot over a mile!

Neato...I could be a freakin' sniper! "Careful...you'll put an eye out!"

Heil Obama!

2008-04-10T09:23:00.012-05:00

The following is from a blog at http://www.barackobama.com/ which was posted from 03/01/08 until it got redacted yesterday. (Screen caps available here.)

Obamanism is the cure for Clintonitis that has devastated America and I hope Jews all over US rally around Obama and support him to win both the nomination and the Presidency because after he wins, he would help the Jews and Israel as well as settle the Middle East problems.

However, if Jews betray Obama and he loses, Africans worldwide would consider it a betrayal to the whole African people and will never forgive world Jewry.

Just as I will never forgive black "leaders" like Sharpton, Jackson, Wright, et. al. in this country for promulgating anti-semitism.

In retaliation, (eye for eye, remember!) Africa would consider expelling all Jews from Africa who have been mining African Gold and Diamond and enriching themselves for many centuries.

It was African gold and diamond that built international finance, trade and banking that the Jews (Rothschild, Warbug, Rockefeller and others) dominate.

Rockefeller was a Joooo? Who knew?

It was African gold and diamond that built Jewish banks and wealth worldwide.

Yassuh...those gems and metals just jumped right out of the ground, crossed the Atlantic, grabbed some hammers, shovels and cee-ment mixers and started putting up buildings with vaults and Greek revival edifices. Crikey.

Thousands of years ago, when Jews were starving and nearly perished in Palestine, they took refuge in Egypt, Africa.

Yeah...and we were treated so freakin' well in Egypt. That's why they were sent all of the "hostess gifts" (frogs, boils, locusts, etc.).

If Egypt and Africa did not feed the Jews, perhaps there would be no Jews today.

Which seemingly might be okeydoke with this blogger.

Jews also took all Egyptian and African science, technology and religious knowledge that have helped them to develop themselves and to get to where they are today: on top of most of the industries and corporations all over the world.

Uh huh...my JooCo stock just split three-for-two. And Amalgamated Zionists is up almost 20% since the beginning of the year. I'm rich, bitches! Bwahahahaha!

Jews owe Africa and Africans everything they have today because if Africa did not shelter them when they were homeless and starving, they would not be here today.

And black Americans owe a bit of a debt to American joooos for helping to fight for their civil rights. (Hey...we even gave you a favorable interest rate, ya wretchedly ungrateful bastards.)

There's more, but you get the idea.

I'm sure that none of the Obama website's administrators ever saw this vile shit until the blogosphere published links yesterday.

If this is the kind of disgusting rhetoric that a major party candidate in America permits on his website, it's clearly time to arm myself. Unlike my Dad's family, I fully intend to take as many of these dirtbags as possible with me should they come a-callin' late at night.

[blazingsaddles]

"Up yours, Obama!"

[/blazingsaddles]

Barack will get neither an apology nor a pie from me for that last.

According To New Trinity UCC Pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright Survived Alleged "Lynching"

2008-03-24T09:02:00.012-05:00

(The captioning in the above pic - shamelessly swiped from UCC's website - reads "Blacks are the only group of people denied the ability to reach back to their roots, to connect to our culture to define who we are." - The Rev. Otis Moss III.)

=========================

On Easter Sunday, Rev. Otis Moss III, the new pastor at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, delivered a sermon entitled "How To Handle A Public Lynching".

(That's odd...I could have sworn that Easter was about the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who, unless I'm terribly misinformed, was crucified.)

CHICAGO — The new pastor of Barack Obama’s church delivered a defiant defense of its retiring reverend Sunday, comparing media coverage of Rev. Jeremiah Wright Jr. to a modern-day lynching that resembles Jesus’ death at the hands of the Romans.

In a sunrise Easter sermon, Rev. Otis Moss III never mentioned Wright by name, but implied that his mentor, who has delivered sermons in which he likened the U.S. to the Ku Klux Klan and declared it damned for its “state-sponsored terrorism,” is facing the same challenges Jesus did.”No one should start a ministry with lynching, no one should end their ministry with lynching,” Moss said.

Hmm...I just looked-up he definition of "lynch" and found:

"To put to death, esp. by hanging, by mob action and without legal authority. " (Random House)

"To execute without due process of law, especially to hang, as by a mob. " (American Heritage)

Yet miraculously (to continue Rev. Moss' moronic analogy), Rev. Wright has somehow risen from the dead to continue being a racist asswipe.

Perhaps he's a zombie.

Obama and his family were spending Easter on vacation and also were not attending services.

Oooh...more "plausible deniability" for Barack the Annointed.

To borrow a page from Rev. Wright's play book, God damn people who use inflammatory rhetoric to deflect perfectly legitimate criticism of individuals who just so happen to be black. Until black leaders (and their enablers) in America stop this shit, we cannot have any rational discussion about race in this country.

I was raised to judge everyone by the same standards, regardless of race, gender, creed, etc.; I was under the impression this is precisely what the civil rights movement had as its goal.

Alas, the goal posts have kept moving for my entire adult life; I just turned 52 and I'm bloody fucking sick of it.

At a Heights Citizens for Human Rights meeting back in 1963, my Dad had an angry black man unload a tirade (liberally laden with remarks beginning "you people") on him. After which he remarked to Mom, "I can hardly wait until there's more equality so I can tell him what a fucking asshole he is".

Since Dad's no longer around to do the honors, permit me to say, "Rev. Moss, Rev. Wright, Mr. and Mrs. Obama: you are fucking assholes."

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Race Bus"

2008-03-21T11:13:00.004-05:00

Thanks to BrendaK for the idea!

[Chorus]
Grandma got run over by a race bus
When Obama ran for President
'Cause she's just a "typical white person"
Hope she tells her grandson to "get bent"

===================

All she did was try to raise him
Nurture him and give him lots of love
But to her sad consternation
She found that all it got her was a shove

In a speech on Tuesday mornin'
By her dear grandson Barack
He placed a brand on her forehead
And discriminatin' stab marks on her back

[Chorus]

Barry ain't so proud of grandma
'Cause she happens to be white
I was really touched to hear him
Fuck her over while he tried to be contrite

In his church full of hatred
For anyone who's not black
He's learned a lot from his Pastor
Jeremiah Wright, who's totally whack

[Chorus]

Now his goose is slowly cooking
And his campaign's nearly through
As a dyed-in-the-wool bigot
He can always blame his failure on the Jews

I've appalled my friends and neighbors
With opinions which are blunt
I just hope they won't be voting
For this man (who's wife Michelle is quite a cunt)

[Chorus]

Shame on you, Barack Obama

2008-03-19T10:51:00.006-05:00

Dear Mr. Obama:

I am sorely disappointed at your patently transparent attempt to save your (50% lily-white) political ass yesterday.

You are running for President, sir. That means you're asking us for the job of leading all Americans. As such, you've got some 'splainin' to do regarding your membership in a church which was, for the first twenty years you belonged to it, led by a racist demagogue.

(By the way, Jeremiah Wright looks like he's got a little "ofay in the woodpile", if you know what I mean, and I think that you do. Since this is all about race, despite protestations to the contrary, I think it's entirely fair to define the terms accurately.)

You had a splendid opportunity yesterday and threw it all away in a bid save your campaign. Instead of promoting "healing", you repeatedly ripped-off the scab, smeared shit into the wound and then sprinkled it with some nice flesh-eating bacteria.

Thanks a bunch, "Uncle Fester".

Being that you're running for the highest office in the land, you had a serious obligation to let us know precisely which of Mr. Wright's comments you've disagreed with. (You know, the ones you initially claimed not to have ever been present to hear first-hand.)

In your own damning words:

“Did I know him [Jeremiah Wright] to be an occasionally fierce critic of American domestic and foreign policy? Of course. Did I ever hear him make remarks that could be considered controversial while I sat in church? Yes. Did I strongly disagree with many of his political views? Absolutely — just as I’m sure many of you have heard remarks from your pastors, priests or rabbis with which you strongly disagreed.”

Actually, when the head rabbi at the synagogue my family belonged to when I was child expressed some far less despicable views than those Mr. Wright has spewed from his pulpit, my Dad told said rabbi in no uncertain terms to fold that nonsense until it was all corners and shove it up his ass.

Followed by very loudly and publicly quitting that synagogue. But then, Dad was a man of principle.

(So much so that even before he had received his American citizenship, he was involved in the civil rights movement in this country. Despite having a wife, two young sons and knowing his actions might possibly cause some fairly serious problems regarding his naturalization. Because Pops had a wee bit of up-close-and-personal experience with hatred as a guest in one of Mr. Hitler's resorts. And bad as things have been for black folks at times during our country's history, we have never even come close to actually exterminating them by the millions, have we? But I digress.)

At best, Mr. Obama, I believe you joined Jeremiah Wright's kooky, foul institution to gain some black street cred in order to compensate for the fact you're just not very comfortable with being half-white devil/honky/Mister Charlie. At worst, you actually believe the vitriol Wright has espoused for decades. And it's abundantly clear that you're okey-doke with exposing your own children to such dangerous, foolish hate, thus ensuring it is passed on to yet another generation.

Kudos for "keepin' it real", Barack Obama; I hope it ultimately costs you your political career. Which it almost certainly won't, but a fellow can dream.

I have a dream that all reasonable Americans will rise-up, give race-baiting assholes like you the middle finger and condemn you to the derision, cruel mockery and obscurity you so richly deserve.

I have a dream that one day, you and your unhelpful ilk will actually comprehend and embrace the incredibly moving, inspiring words of Dr. Martin Luther King and feel a burning shame.

I have a dream I will one day live in a nation where nobody will be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. (Given that you threw one of your grandmas under the bus yesterday, you are sadly deficient wherein character is concerned. And speaking of grandmas, is the one in Kenya a Christian or a Muslim? She's copped to both at different times; apparently ~~waffling~~ lying runs in your family.)

I have a dream that some day, America will be free at last from bigoted, self-serving bastards like you, Jeremiah Wright, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Maxine Waters, Cynthia McKinney, Louis Farakhan...

God damn your America, sir.

Along with your political aspirations and your place in history.

The "Wheels of Justice" sometimes have flat tires

2007-08-29T12:08:00.000-05:00

On Monday, I had a fairly heated conversation with Gary, the managing partner of our inept attorney's firm. He was told in gory detail all of the ways which his employee has completely screwed the pooch; he got just a mite defensive.

Jeebus...it was like talking with a fuckin' trial attorney.

One of the many issues I had was that last Thursday, the mediator's first words to our attorney were, "What made you think this case was ready to mediate?" Sadly, it went downhill from there for nine hours.

Our attorney was utterly freaking clueless. She was not prepared. She had neglected to bring critical photographic documentation which has been in her possession for more than two years. She did not insist that the plaintiff be present (which is a rules violation in CA). She had not deposed anyone, yet was already trying to negotiate a settlement before she'd even built her goddamned case!! Plus plenty more.

About the only thing she said to my friend Jim - the owner of the roofing company - afterwards was to advise him to retain a personal attorney (as the damages the crooked plaintiff wants are about $400K over our policy limits).

And she followed up by mailing him a letter the next day putting her advice in writing. What a dangerously incompetent maroon. It would seem that the University of San Diego has a Special Needs Law School.

Gary said that he'd "look into the matter" and try to get back to me later that day (as he claimed he was going to San Francisco for the day on Tuesday).

By an odd coincidence, about 30 minutes after my call, Jim got a "P.R. call" from Gary. One of the things he told Jim was that I was "very emotional".

(As DFC!, our marvelously helpful "consulting attorney" wrote in an email to me yesterday, "You were emotional? GOOD!!! That's how people react when they're being deprived of zealous and competent representation.")

I asked Jim if Gary had said I was actually wrong about anything I reamed him for, apparently I was not.

Heh!

Even more coincidentally, shortly after Jim's call from Gary, our attorney called to advise Jim that she would finally start scheduling depositions. (She claimed the insurer had been holding her back from this; we'll see if that's the truth...)

Jim's personal attorney will be talking to the claims adjuster (hopefully) later today to find out what the hell's going on at his end. And to put the carrier on notice regarding possible breach of contract.

And if I don't get a call from Gary by the close of business in L.A. today, I'll tear him another new asshole tomorrow for not getting back to me, as he agreed to. (I'm sure he'll attempt to claim that his call to Jim fulfilled his promise to "get back to you".)

I really want to see if that motherfucker will try to tell me I was materially incorrect about anything I told him on Monday.

It's very disheartening when even the folks who are ethically and contractually bound to defend us are colossal fuck-ups.

"...the law is a ass - a idiot."

2007-08-24T06:29:00.000-05:00

Charles Dickens' Bumble the Beadle spoke a truth when he uttered those words.

The company I repped for when I lived in Los Angeles got sodomized by the law yesterday. We got assaulted and had the shit stomped out of us; alas, it was all nice and legal.

It sure isn't right. Or just.

Our testicles were placed on the little wooden disc and whacked repeatedly by the gavel.

In fact, had we acted a lot less responsibly, we would be in a significantly better legal position. What a steaming crock of shit. Not to mention how it provides a disincentive to "do the right thing".

I now have officially zero respect for America's legal system, as it clearly has no respect for anything resembling actual justice. (Something I've believed for a long damned time, but now actually know from firsthand experience.)

The company has been the victim of a provably fraudulent insurance claim in the amount of nearly $1M for the past three-and-a-half years. Sadly, the law cares not one whit for the facts of the matter; it only cares about the law. And the filthy vermin, both clients and attorneys, who know how to work the system.

As far as I'm concerned, every fucking attorney in America contributes to this foully corrupt institution. Because even if they're principled individuals, they do effectively nothing to a) weed out the predatory douchebags among them, and b) fix the odious system which their profession has created and permits said douchebags to flourish.

Right about now, I wish much long-term suffering on each and every lawyer in America followed by an ignominious and painful death. Sadly, I have a few friends who are attorneys; please know that my desire for your painful suffering is, in the words of the Mafia, "nothing personal; it's just business".

Like it or not, your profession is a bunch of organized criminals which you virtually never do a goddamned thing to change. Actually, you seem to do whatever you can to make yourselves indispensible in daily life and guarantee full employment for your profession.

Fuck you all with a barbed wire dildo lubricated with cat saliva.

On the brighter side, the demise of every attorney in this country would do wonders to clean up our Congress.

In the words of a character in L. Neil Smith's novel "Pallas":

"People - pardon me, journalists and politicians - have often accused me of believing that I'm above the law. And yet, who isn't? Everywhere you prod it, even with the shortest stick, the established system isn't simply corrupt, it's unequivocally putrescent. The law is created by demonstrable criminals, enforced by demonstrable criminals, interpreted by demonstrable criminals, all for demonstrably criminal purposes. Of course I'm above the law. And so are you."

Bitchy bitch bitches about "bitch"; sonofabitch!

2007-08-07T12:26:00.000-05:00

(Original NYT article here)

August 7, 2007
It’s a Female Dog, or Worse. Or Endearing. And Illegal?

By MICHAEL M. GRYNBAUM

The New York City Council, which drew national headlines when it passed a symbolic citywide ban earlier this year on the use of the so-called n-word, has turned its linguistic (and legislative) lance toward a different slur: bitch.

What about "spic", "kike", "wop", "slope", "cocksucker" and so many other potentially offensive words? Or is it that women and black folks are more "sensitive" than others?

The term is hateful and deeply sexist, said Councilwoman Darlene Mealy of Brooklyn, who has introduced a measure against the word, saying it creates “a paradigm of shame and indignity” for all women.

Um, get over it, Councilwoman Mealy-Mouth. You fucking whiny cunt.

But conversations over the last week indicate that the “b-word” (as it is referred to in the legislation) enjoys a surprisingly strong currency — and even some defenders — among many New Yorkers.

Especially NYC cabbies, public transit workers, construction workers...and pretty-much everyone else in New York.

And Ms. Mealy admitted that the city’s political ruling class can be guilty of its use. As she circulated her proposal, she said, “even council members are saying that they use it to their wives.”

The measure, which 19 of the 51 council members have signed onto, was prompted in part by the frequent use of the word in hip-hop music. Ten rappers were cited in the legislation, along with an excerpt from an 1811 dictionary that defined the word as “A she dog, or doggess; the most offensive appellation that can be given to an English woman.”

And precisely what miniscule percentage of New Yorkers are English women, you useless, contemptible twat? I could dig-up all sorts of interesting cites from a reference book nearly two centuries old; I'll bet a sawbuck that dictionary didn't label "nigger" as a pejorative.

While the bill also bans the slang word “ho,” the b-word appears to have acquired more shades of meaning among various groups, ranging from a term of camaraderie to, in a gerund form, an expression of emphatic approval. Ms. Mealy acknowledged that the measure was unenforceable, but she argued that it would carry symbolic power against the pejorative uses of the word. Even so, a number of New Yorkers said they were taken aback by the idea of prohibiting a term that they not only use, but do so with relish and affection.

“Half my conversation would be gone,” said Michael Musto, the Village Voice columnist, whom a reporter encountered on his bicycle on Sunday night on the corner of Seventh Avenue South and Christopher Street. Mr. Musto, widely known for his coverage of celebrity gossip, dismissed the idea as absurd.

“On the downtown club scene,” he said, munching on an apple, the two terms are often used as terms of endearment. “We divest any negative implication from the word and toss it around with love.”

Darris James, 31, an architect from Brooklyn who was outside the Duplex, a piano bar in the West Village, on Sunday night was similarly opposed. “Hell, if I can’t say bitch, I wouldn’t be able to call half my friends.”

They may not have been the kinds of reaction that Ms. Mealy, a Detroit-born former transit worker serving her first term, was expecting. “They buried the n-word, but what about the other words that really affect women, such as ‘b,’ and ‘ho’? That’s a vile attack on our womanhood,” Ms. Mealy said in a telephone interview. “In listening to my other colleagues, that they say that to their wives or their friends, we have gotten really complacent with it.”

Might as well consider banning "cunt", "slattern", "tart", "tramp", "trollop", "whore", "slut" and a host of other words that "really affect women". And I'm sure that "they buried the n-word". Stupid bitch.

The resolution, introduced on July 25, was first reported by The Daily News. It is being considered by the Council’s Civil Rights Committee and is expected to be discussed next month.

Apparently every other pressing problem facing the city of New York has been successfully solved.

Many of those interviewed for this article acknowledged that the b-word could be quite vicious — but insisted that context was everything.

“I think it’s a description that is used insouciantly in the fashion industry,” said Hamish Bowles, the European editor at large of Vogue, as he ordered a sushi special at the Condé Nast cafeteria last week. “It would only be used in the fashion world with a sense of high irony and camp.”

Mr. Bowles, in salmon seersucker and a purple polo, appeared amused by the Council measure. “It’s very ‘Paris Is Burning,’ isn’t it?” he asked, referring to the film that captured the 1980s drag queen scene in New York.

There's some sartorial splendor; is it bitchy of me to point that out?

The b-word has been used to refer to female dogs since around 1000 A.D., according to the Oxford English Dictionary, which traces the term’s derogatory application to women to the 15th century; the entry notes that the term is “not now in decent use.”

But there is much evidence that the word — for better or worse — is part of the accepted vernacular of the city. The cover of this week’s New York magazine features the word, and syndicated episodes of “Sex and the City,” the chronicle of high-heeled Manhattan singledom, include it, though some obscenities were bleeped for its run on family-friendly TBS. A feminist journal with the word as its title is widely available in bookstores here, displayed in the front rung at Borders at the Time Warner Center.

So, given the "context", is that usage “a paradigm of shame and indignity for all women", bitch?

Robin Lakoff, a Brooklyn-born linguist who teaches at the University of California, Berkeley, said that she despised the word, but that enforcing linguistic change through authority “almost never works,” echoing comments from some New Yorkers who believed a ban would only serve to heighten the word’s power.

“If what the City Council wants to do is increase civility, it would have to be able to contextualize it,” said Ms. Lakoff, who studies language and gender. “You forbid the uses that drive people apart, but encourage the ones that drive people together. Which is not easy.”

If by "not easy", you mean "bloody fucking impossible", than you're right, bitch.

Councilman Leroy G. Comrie Jr., the Queens Democrat who successfully sponsored a symbolic moratorium on the n-word that was adopted Feb. 28, said he supported Ms. Mealy’s measure, but acknowledged that the term had many uses.

“We want to make sure the context that it’s used is not a negative one,” Mr. Comrie said yesterday.

Because politicians, being such moral paragons and so incredibly intelligent, are just the folks to approve "context". Stupid son of a bitch.

Back at the West Village piano bar on Sunday evening, Poppi Kramer had just finished up her cabaret set. She scoffed at the proposal. “I’m a stand-up comic. You may as well just say to me, don’t even use the word ‘the.’ ”

But at least one person with a legitimate reason to use the word saw some merit in cutting down on its use.

“We’d be grandfathered in, I would think,” said David Frei, who has been a host of the Westminster Kennel Club dog show in New York since 1990. The word is a formal canine label that appears on the competition’s official materials. But Mr. Frei said he worried about the word’s impact on some viewers, especially younger ones.

Aaah..."it's for the children". It's a "teachable moment", too.

“I think we have to take responsibility for that word on the air. The reality is it’s in the realm of responsible conduct to not use that word anymore.

Jeebus...what a cunt. (Which I mean in the British English sense, citing the same 1811 dictionary used by Councilwoman Mealy-Mouth. Who is clearly a bitch.)

Here's a splendid example of why the Arab world remains so utterly fucked-up

2007-06-23T17:39:00.000-05:00

From the highly respected and world-famous Khaleej Times Online

Chocolate-coated eggs containing toys to be withdrawn from market
By Amira Agarib and Charles Buth Diu

24 July 2004

DUBAI - A brand of chocolate-coated coloured eggs containing toys are expected to be withdrawn from the markets in Dubai today by the Dubai Municipality as they were found containing within their cores toys ridiculing the Arabs.

As if stuff like robot camel jockeys and honor killings aren't ridiculous. And why not name the alleged brand?

A UAE child, who accompanied his mother to a supermarket, bought an egg-coated with chocolate from a popular brand. As he nipped on the egg with innocent delight, a tiny toy representing an AGCC man began to unfold.

Oooh...he's a po' li'l victim, isn't he? (BTW, "AGCC" stands for "Arab Gulf Countries Council"; just thought y'all would like to know that.)

The caricature figure, which was clad in the well-known Arab traditional attire, the Kandora, Ugal and Ghatra (head cover), was seated on an oil barrel holding a petrol-station hose with its gun pointed to his head.

Perhaps Arabs should stop wearing clothing that sounds like substances you'd rather not find in your underwear.

The manufacturers of this damaging evil-bearing chocolate egg had manufactured it in such an attractive design so as to entice the Arab child into believing that Arabs fed their minds with nothing but oil.

As opposed to the goofy crap they're generally stuffed with. If Arabs fed their minds with actual useful knowledge, the entire Middle East wouldn't be the oppressive third world shithole which it is today. (With the exception of Israel.)

And note the original article doesn't feature a picture, which I find curious.

The hidden evil and vicious messages were directed particularly to Arab children who have lately been targets of anti-Arab stratagems meant to brainwash them and distort the way they conceived their own identity.

As bloodthirsty, misogynistic animals.

This message of course was not understood by the little kid who asked his parents what the toy was.

So what's the real point of this article, then?

The issue was brought to the attention of the authorities who investigated the complaint. Dubai Municipality is expected to issue a statement today on the issue and will, according to sources take serious and drastic measures to remove the item from markets since it aims at marring the Arab character, dignity, culture and psyche.

Because their delightful, relevant and oh-so-worthwhile culture is incapable of withstanding any mockery whatsoever.

Khaleej Times interviewed an official in Dubai Municipality for his comments on the issue. He said that the food control section of the public health is the body which controlled and monitored food items sold in the emirate's markets.

He said that foodstuff specimens are subjected to lab tests in order to ascertain their compatibility with the civic body's rules and regulations regarding food safety, and explained that Dubai Municipality couldn't test all chocolate-eggs samples and see their contents because each egg contained a different toy. But when Dubai Municipality finds such violation it takes action against the companies which tried to market such items here.

Customs officials told Khaleej Times that they inspected the entry of general commodities imported to UAE, but in regard to import of foodstuffs, vaccines, medicines, drugs and agricultural products they worked closely with Dubai Municipality, the Ministry of Health and the Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries.

The officials commented that the customs department was not provided with the required specifications that can govern their work and that some commodities which were banned in other AGCC countries were allowed here, adding that commodities did enter the UAE from the same avenues and that is why inspection over them was a hard task.

Nice to see that bureaucracies are the same everywhere, including diseased, 7th Century cultures. See, underneath it all, we really are more similar than different.

In a reaction to the case in question, one outraged UAE citizen said: "The manufacturer of the toy had proved that their knowledge about the Arabs and AGCC nationals was limited to what is being fed to them by their local TV channels. They don't educate themselves to know more about Arabs before voicing out such ignorant and laughable comments. They should realise that oil and wealth are not the only things that Arabs have, Arabs have proved that they are intelligent and have the capacity to think and achieve economic development based on resources other than oil," he added.

Bwahahahaha!

Right. The manufacturer could not possibly have gotten that idea because of, let's say, riots over a bunch of cartoons or Salman Rushdie's knighthood.

I'd love to know precisely what great intelligence and economic development the alleged "outraged UAE citizen" was referring to. I call shenanigans; "Arab culture" is a brobingnagian oxymoron which is demonstrated by their actions on a daily basis.

U.S. tax dollars to fund Jew murder

2007-06-17T09:47:00.000-05:00

Dear President Bush:

I used to believe that after WWII, state-sponsored killing of Jews - at least in the West - had become a thing of the past.

Which is why I am utterly disgusted that you are planning to send my hard-earned money to help fund Jew Murder, Incorporated LLC (aka the Palestinian Authority).

According to Fox News (click here for entire article):

In the showdown, much of the international community, including the U.S., the EU and moderate Arab states, is backing Abbas. Declarations of support were likely to be followed soon by a resumption of foreign aid to the Palestinian Authority, though it is not clear yet whether all the international funds would then be kept out of Gaza.

The U.S. consul general in Jerusalem, Jacob Walles, met with Abbas at his headquarters in Ramallah on Saturday, and said the embargo is expected to be lifted once the new government is sworn in.

"I expect that we are going to be engaged with this government," Walles said after the meeting. "I expect that early next week. There will be some announcements in Washington, specifically about our assistance and about the financial regulations."

It would have been nice had my family (many of whom were brutalized and/or murdered by the Nazis and their fellow travelers) had a longer break from having to fear for our lives.

Well, shit...it was nice while it lasted.

Apparently the cretins who have been comparing you to Adolph Hitler since the 2000 election weren't completely wrong; kindly advise when I should expect my yellow arm band to arrive in the mail.

Yours, etc.,

Fatwa Arbuckle

p.s. - Consider the enclosed jumbo-sized bag of pretzels as my "thank you" gift.

Gee-willikers...got some mail!

2007-05-17T08:10:00.000-05:00

Much to my surprise, I got a couple of emails from folks I don't know regarding my Falwell post.

They were from friends-of-friends; a couple of them criticized me for snarking on the formerly corpulent (and now merely corpse-like) Reverend before his cadaver had reached room temperature.

I can understand why they found my words offensive; however, I don't care. I see no reason to show the man any more respect in death than I had for him in life. There's nothing sacred about dying; we're all gonna be taking a dirt nap sooner or later.

While the cloud of dust from the WTC was still hanging over lower Manhattan, that pus bag was on TV using the attack to make political points with his minions. Which strikes me as fairly disrespectful to the victims as well as their friends and families.

If a self-appointed moralist and "spiritual leader" exhibits such profound lack of sensitivity to the deaths of innocents, I see no cause to behave any better upon his demise.

I refuse to be respectful of those who, themselves, are not.

And quite honestly, although I don't personally believe in an afterlife, the thought of Falwell impaled on the barbed cock of Satan makes me smile.

BellSouth Sucks!

2007-05-16T10:50:00.000-05:00

While talking to a friend in Atlanta this morning, the call suddenly got dropped. When I attempted to phone back I got a message informing me that "this line is being tested; please try your call again in a few minutes".

Which I did, to no avail. I sent her an email and got a response; I was glad that she still had DSL and asked if she wanted me to report the outage to BellSouth. She responded in the affirmative.

I went to BellSouth's website and discovered that there's no fucking phone number for reporting service outages to be found!

Including under "Contact Us".

I finally used yellowpages.com and easily found their number. And, in fariness, I spoke with a courteous and professional individual named Donna who (seemingly) attempted to investigate the problem to no avail, so a service request was put in. There was no indication how long it may take to resolve the problem

It simply is stunning that a multi-billion dollar company whose business is communications utterly fails to provide such basic information on their website.

'Tards.

Welcome to the new fucking AT&T.

Jerry Falwell's dead; long may he rot in Hell!

2007-05-15T18:35:00.000-05:00

To any TSW friends who wander by:

I should have recalled from the execution of Saddam Hussein that a few of you are uncomfortable with celebrating the death of someone truly evil. I cannot understand this, but I accept it is so.

Jerry Falwell was not a nice man, something I find absolutely unforgivable in a person who declares himself not only a religious leader, but "God's right hand". (Hubris? You're soaking in it!)

Based upon his actions and his words, I believe Jerry Falwell was a loathesome, hateful, despicable and yes, evil, creature hiding behind the cloak of religion and his beloved Jesus. The world is a better place without him. If he exemplified a "good Christian", than Christianity has some very serious problems.

Let's take a look at some of ol' Reverend Jer's words and deeds, shall we?

"God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve." - Jerry Falwell talking to Pat Robertson on "The 700 Club", September 13, 2001.

Nice. Holy man Jerry blamed the 9/11 attacks on civil libertarians, homosexuals and feminists while the fucking buildings were still smoldering and rescue workers were looking for survivors.

"And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'" - Jerry Falwell talking to Pat Robertson on "The 700 Club", September 13, 2001.

Crikey...I thought it was the Islamofascists' doing. Not very helpful or healing in the aftermath of the attacks, was it? I was really impressed with the uplifting and spiritual nature of his rhetoric right in the middle of a national tragedy.

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!" - Jerry Falwell, America Can Be Saved, 1979 pp. 52-53.

As a Hebe, this sort of rhetoric makes me just a tich uncomfortable. Especially recalling the way good little Christians from St. Ann's here in Cleveland Heights used to bully me and my brother, call us "Christ killers" and vandalize our house.

"The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior." - Jerry Falwell, Listen, America!, 1981

Let's not forget his support for apartheid in South Africa during the '80s. Or the fact that for many years after this bastard started his Thomas Road Baptist Church, he was an ardent supporter of segregation and stated in 1958,

"If Chief Justice Warren and his associates had known God’s word and had desired to do the Lord’s will, I am quite confident that the 1954 decision [Brown v. Board of Education] would never have been made…. The facilities should be separate. When God has drawn a line of distinction, we should not attempt to cross that line.”

Yup...that's real loving, Godly stuff right there.

Frankly, if there really is a loving God (a prospect which I find dubious), than this venal cocksucker is assuredly burning in Hell for failing to "get it" while he was a corporeal asshole. I've seen worms in dog's stool that had more moral authority.

I take no joy in the deaths of good, decent people.

However, Falwell was not one of them; long may he rot in Hell.

Fulton Road Bridge-3, Duane Houkum-0

2007-04-29T17:24:00.000-05:00

"Hah, hah!"

(Not) falling down on the job
Demolition Day falls through

Fulton bridge only partly toppled
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Rachel Dissell
Plain Dealer Reporter

(Complete article here)

The Fulton Road Bridge, deemed so deteriorated that it was a danger, refused to tumble Saturday despite several rumbling blasts of explosives.

The first detonation, a few minutes before 8:30 a.m., blew out four stanchions and part of one 110-foot-high arch on the bridge's northern end. The anti-climactic blast barely dusted the grassy Big Creek Valley's edge with chunks of chalky concrete.

The demolition contractor, Duane Houkom of Texas, had predicted the span's 50 million pounds of concrete and steel would drop straight to the ground after a five-second rumble.

But even the second try, almost an hour later, produced only a cloud of dust that dissipated to reveal most of the arches triumphantly standing. The explosion left the 75-year-old bridge looking as though it had lost its two front teeth.

A third and final blast sent the center part of the structure down, but four of the bridge's six arches remain.

Construction manager Ryan Kokosing blamed the malfunction on a defective cable that connected the charges.

The Ohio Department of Transportation and the demolition team will decide at a meeting Monday when blasting will resume. All areas of the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo, which the bridge passes over, will be open during regular hours today, from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.

What a bloody freaking surprise to see yet another expensive public works screw-up around here. Despite very many wonderful things in this region, there are well-founded reasons this town is a pathetic joke; here we have a prime example.

Which causes me to ponder a few points:

The (allegedly) horribly precarious, danger-to-us-all-aiiieeee! Fulton Road Bridge got the better of numerous applications of explosives. This leads a reasonable person to conclude that the bridge probably could have been refurbished rather than demolished.

And it's not as if a city which has lost literally 50% its population over the past decade-and-a-half is having traffic problems requiring a larger bridge.

But a new bridge is far more expensive than fixing an old one. As such, that provides lots more union jobs than a repair job. This is of vital importance in a region where the unions (along with our comically inept and foully corrupt politicians) have managed to kill the economy in the first place.

(Yup...those unions sure do look out for workin' folks. There used to be a steel industry here. Autos. Hell...Akron used to be "The Rubber Capital of the World"; they haven't manufactured a tire there in years. And don't get me started on Local 4 of the American Federation of Musicians, which may actually disappear in the near future; it couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch of douchebags.)

Further, a new bridge provides exponentially more opportunities for our local elected thugs to "dip their beaks" and reward their organized criminal buddies. (I was born in Chicago, so civic corruption surprises me not. But the bastards here are not only greedy, they're dangerously stupid, too. Hence our moribund economy.)

I'd also like to know why a petrifyingly incompetent retard like Duane Houkom is even permitted to get on a plane by himself to travel here, much less play with high explosives on a fucking bridge built over our zoo. Shit...it's not like there's anything that could go wrong.

This man should be fired for not having the common sense that every semi-housebroken musician in the world possesses: bring an extra goddamned cable to the gig!

While I'm sure there's some modest technical expertise required, how fucking difficult can it possibly be to make explosives actually blow-the-fuck-up?

Jesus H. Christ & His Orchestra!

Alternatively, it may be that ol' "Cletus" Houkom was strongly encouraged to purchase supplies from "Uncle Rocco's Construction-Stuff-Dat-Fell-Off-O'-Da-Truck Emporium". If so, it'd be typical of Cleveland that even our mobsters are incompetent. Next thing you know, they'll attempt to blow-up an informant's car with a couple of M-80s (at least one of which will, no doubt, fizzle).

Houkom should be fired for non-performance without being paid one damned cent. Three strikes and you're out, motherfucker.

And let's hire some guys with a proven track-record for demolishing much larger structures; I'd recommend Mohammed Atta & Associates.

Now if only I can also figure out a way to ensure that all of our local politicians will be at Ground Zero.

Reuters: Possibly the world's stupidest news agency

2007-04-19T16:24:00.000-05:00

Artist's conceptualization of a "marijuana lab".

Original idiotic Reuters article here

Marijuana lab explosion injures man
Thu Apr 19, 8:29 AM ET

An explosion set fire to a Miami house being used to grow marijuana hydroponically on Wednesday and the force of the blast sent the occupant flying into the yard, police said.

The man, identified by police as Edel Mesa, 40, was badly burned on the chest, arms and legs and was in critical condition at a trauma hospital, investigators said.

"The house was pretty much destroyed," said Miami-Dade Police Detective Carlos Maura.

Firefighters extinguished the flames and called police, who seized more than 40 marijuana plants from the home, police said.

Arson investigators were trying to determine the cause of the explosion, but police said the man may have been using propane gas near the high-intensity lamps used to grow the plants indoors.

Police said Mesa was not immediately charged with a crime because of his injuries.

What the fuck is a "marijuana lab"? Do you imagine there's some room filled with bunsen burners, beakers emitting dry ice smoke, Jacob's ladders, giant rheostats, enormous fork switches and big gauges mounted in bakelite cabinets?

Do you pointy-headed mental defectives even know what marijuana actually is? (And in this internet age, how hard is it to use a search engine and spend three minutes researching?)

Even if you're hiring semi-literate retards as headline writers, do you not have editors? Way to go with those "multiple layers of fact-checking".

I ought not be surprised; you're the same (alleged) "news" organization which repeatedly refers to misogynistic lunatics, who detonate shrapnel-filled bombs (and themselves) on buses or in pizzerias, as "insurgents" and "freedom fighters".

Because it's George Bush and/or America who are the real terrorists.

I'd like to cauterize the rectums of every single Reuters employee with a red-hot poker and watch them all slowly drown in their own filth.

When is an explosion not a detonation?

2007-04-12T10:37:00.000-05:00

Man...you've just gotta love Reuters' nuance:

Casablanca police make arrest but no blast: witness

Casablanca police arrested a man in a Casablanca suburb where three bombs exploded this week but no bomb was detonated, a local resident said on Thursday.

"There was no explosion. The police seem to have arrested the last of the terrorists whose house they raided on Tuesday," the resident said by telephone.

A police source said a man detonated a bomb he was carrying on Thursday but a Moroccan government official then denied this.

Does that mean the Moroccan official denied the statement from the police source or the story itself? In either case, it's comforting to know that nothing actually, you know, exploded.

Global warming my ass!

2007-04-07T17:18:00.000-05:00

It's April 7th and there's at least six inches of snow on the ground. Ironic timing for the IPoCC's "Oh Shit, Oh Fuck, Oh God, We're All Going To Die From Global Warming" report which was released to much fanfare yesterday.

Update: At 09.00 Easter morning, we're up to 18" of snow and it's still coming down.

Update #2: At 12.30, we're up to 2' of "global warming goodness" with more falling.

[To the tune of "Winter Wonderland"]

Hey Al Gore, are you seeing
It's mid-April; we're skiing!
I'd go fly a kite,
But it snowed last night
It's a global warming wonderland

Gone away is the bluebird
'Cause it's cold; And have you heard
We all think you're nuts?
We're freezing our butts
It's a global warming wonderland

Yesterday they cancelled the big ballgame;
Snow so thick the pitchers couldn't pitch
Why's it only rich countries that y'all blame?
(Truth that's inconvenient's such a bitch!)

Ecoweenies conspire
Their predictions are dire
The claims we'll all bake
Are clearly all fake
It's a global warming wonderland

In the meadow we could build a snowman
When we should be out there planting stuff
I think climate change is just a strawman
Hope this weather causes folks to call your bluff

So it's spring, but it's snowing
And the data is growing
To show that your claim
Is totally lame
It's a global warming wonderland

U.N. "experts" issue grim climate warning; Jooos not yet blamed

2007-04-02T11:22:00.000-05:00

UN experts set to issue grim warming on climate impact
Mon Apr 2, 4:00 AM ET

Original insipid Frog Press article

The world's top climate scientists were gathering here Monday to hammer out the summary of a massive report that predicts dire consequences from global warming, especially for poor nations and species diversity.

Interesting that it's invariably "poor nations" who will be most affected. This is probably because they have no technological or financial resources to to anything (except kill people and demand money, apparently).

Thus, relatively free and productive nations will once again be expected to foot the bill for some happy new horseshit.

And why does the article not name a single one of these alleged experts?

Even if dramatic measures are taken to reduce the carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions that drive warming, temperatures will continue to climb for decades to come, the experts conclude.

Which indicates that whatever climate change is occurring might be due to something else entirely. Varying energy output from the sun, perhaps?

By 2080, according to the report, it is likely that 1.1 to 3.2 billion people worldwide will experience water scarcity, 200 to 600 million will be threatened by hunger, and each year an additional two to seven million will be victims of coastal flooding.

The brunt of these problems will fall squarely on to the world's poorest inhabitants, who are least to blame for the fossil-fuel pollution that drives global warming.

Such as China, India and other developing nations who are the worst gross polluters?

According to a final draft of the 1,400-page report obtained by AFP, hundreds of millions of people living in more than three dozen deltas -- including the Nile in Egypt, the Red River in Vietnam and the Ganges-Brahmaputra in Bangladesh -- are likely to find themselves wedged between rising sea levels and more frequent flooding.

Tropical diseases are likely to spread as well.

Cool...does that mean the bans on DDT will finally be lifted so that poor nations will have an effective and inexpensive means to kill disease-carrying insects?

The impact will be all the more devastating because most of these countries lack the money and skills to adapt to the threat.

Then let's encourage more capitalism so that they can help themselves.

Indeed, if global temperatures rise no more than 2 C (3.6 F) compared to 1990s levels, northern Europe and North America may even enjoy higher crop yields, milder winters and expanding forests.

So we'll be capable of producing even larger food surpluses while using less energy to heat buildings. Plus, the expanding forests ought to be good for massive carbon offsets.

The report by the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) will be unveiled on Friday after its members have approved a roughly 50-page summary for policymakers.

A one-page précis will also be issued: "Give us your money, bitches. Signed, The United Nations".

It assesses the past and future impact of rising temperatures on the planet's physical and eco-systems and inhabitants. It also evaluates the capacity to adapt to the predicted changes.

And the capacity of richer nations to "give 'til it hurts and then give us some more".

In February, the IPCC issued a first volume of its review with an assessement of the scientific evidence for global warming. It predicted temperatures would probably rise between 1.8 to 4.0 C (3.2-7.2 F) by century's end. A final volume, due to be released in early May, will discuss how warming can be mitigated.

Massive influxes of cash from relatively free and successful countries to the U.N. ought to do the trick.

Besides the impact on human society, climate change will also have far-reaching consequences for the planet's biodiversity, the Brussels report will say.

It predicts that 20 to 30 percent of species will be threatened with extinction if temperatures rise 1.5 to 2.5 C (2.7 F to 4.5 F), on the lower side of end-of-century forecasts.

Hang on. We've been hearing for decades about the precious biodiversity of the rainforests. If things warm up a tad, we'll have even more rainforests, won't we?

If temperatures rise by 4 C (7.2 F), "few ecosystems will be able to adapt," says the report.

"Without even more cash given to the United Nations," the report continues.

Compiled to help governments make policy choices, the report will probably sharpen debate on a range of global-warming issues.

And expanded forest growth will mean more trees we can harvest to make sticks which can also be sharpened and used to jab an even larger number of ecoweenies. Everybody wins!

"The developing countries will certainly point out the huge gap between regions, and make it known that they need help," said a Western delegate involved in the drafting.

*Ka-ching!*

"This is true even if the IPCC's role is to make a diagnosis, not to address questions of financing."

*Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching!*

Policymakers may also be divided on how much money should go to adaptation and how much toward mitigation, even if experts have made it clear that both are essential.

*KA-FUCKING-CHING!*

Could these assholes possibly be more transparent?

Time Warner Cable: The Power of Fuck You!

2007-03-31T15:05:00.000-05:00

Dear ~~Tertiary Syphilis Victims~~ Time Warner Cable:

Two months ago, you jacked-up my rates about 8% claiming you needed to cover your costs. Hey...if you couldn't afford to buy the local franchise from Adelphia, then you should have let another company do so. (Although I'm sure you assisted matters by greasing the City of Cleveland Heights; it's been sad to see officials of the 'burb where I grew up become as greedy and venal as they evidently have during my twenty six years in California.)

At any rate, I've got a fabulous win-win suggestion to save you money, which you can then pass on to me by reducing my rates, probably to below what they were two months ago.

Take me off of your fucking obnoxious mailing list!

Quite literally not a single week goes by without me getting at least one very expensive mailer for all of the fabulous services you offer in addition to my extended basic cable service.

I am hereby informing you that I'm completely aware you offer high-speed internet, video on-demand, Showtime, HBO, Starz, digital cable, HD programming, DVRs, music channels and much, much more.

And whenever you have unsold advertising on strictly cable channels, you run your frigging promos, which are poorly written and produced, but vastly better than Adelphia's promos were. (With the possible exception of the one for your internet service featuring a happy little latin jazz piano riff and a bunch of people repeatedly saying "Aaaaaaaw...BEEP BEEP!". I'd enjoy ten uninturrupted minutes in a locked room with the producer of that spot and a two-by-four. "The. *Thwack!* Roadrunner. *Thwack!* Said. *Thwack!* 'MEEP!' *Thwack!* Not. *Thwack!* 'Beep!'")

I'm not a moron...if I wanted any of those services, I'd pick-up the goddamned telephone and order them from you! It's not like it's difficult for anyone of even average intelligence to find your fucking telephone number.

So do me a favor: quit sending me ads for shit I'm not even remotely interested in and reduce my rates instead. You'll save on printing and postage. There will be less garbage for my trash hauler to carry away, which will save on fuel and landfill space. And reduced work for my abysmal mail carrier (who is totally incapable of placing magazines in my large mailbox without tearing one of the covers half off; fuck you, too!).

Sincerely yours,

F. Arbuckle
Disgruntled Customer

U.S. to rest of world: We're hiding under your bed; booga booga booga!

2007-02-10T15:15:00.000-05:00

(Original insipid AP article here)

Putin: U.S. policies create arms race
By DAVID RISING, Associated Press Writer

Russian President Vladimir Putin warned Saturday that the United States' increased use of military force is creating a new arms race, with smaller nations turning toward developing nuclear weapons.

Hey, Mr. Putin - What country invaded Afghanistan prior to the United States going in? And, um, were the Afghanis able to have relatively free (or any type of) elections after Russia's invasion?

Uh huh...STFU!

Speaking at a conference of the world's top security officials, including the Iranian nuclear negotiator Ali Larijani, Putin said nations "are witnessing an almost uncontained hyper use of force in international relations."

Hyper use of force? Hmmm...I guess that must refer to all of our threats to use nuclear weapons on neighboring countries. (Well, we probably would if Mexico, Canada - or even Cuba - were filled with Jooos.)

"One state, the United States, has overstepped its national borders in every way," he told the 250 officials, including more than 40 defense and foreign ministers.

Yup...Americans are flooding illegally into Mexico and Canada at an unprecedented rate, overwhelming their social services and causing all sorts of mayhem.

And we're getting ready to roll tanks into Poland, France, The Czech Republic, Slovakia...oh, hang on a minute, that was the Nazis. My bad; Bush isn't really Hitler.

"This is nourishing an arms race with the desire of countries to get nuclear weapons," Putin said, but did not elaborate on specifics and did not mention the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan.

Mostly to threaten America and Israel, the eeeevilest nations on earth.

The Russian leader also voiced concern about U.S. plans to build a missile defense system in eastern Europe — likely in Poland and the Czech Republic — and the expansion of NATO as possible challenges to Russia.

Gee...is it remotely possible that fairly recently-freed countries might wish to stay that way? (Not to mention the fact they're within likely range of Iran's missles.)

"The process of NATO expansion has nothing to do with modernization of the alliance or with ensuring security in Europe," Putin said. "On the contrary, it is a serious factor provoking reduction of mutual trust."

Yo, Vlad...just because Dubya gazed into your eyes and saw nothing but goodness doesn't mean we all feel that way.

On the missile defense system, Putin said: "I don't want to accuse anyone of being aggressive" but suggested it would seriously change the balance of power and could provoke an unspecified response.

Here's a big, unspecified digitus impudicus for ya.

U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates had little to say about Putin's remarks, noting only that "he was very candid."

Sen. Joseph Lieberman said Putin's charge that the U.S. "aspired to get unipolar power or acted unilaterally is just not borne out by the facts."

Sure. But why cloud the issue with facts when it's so clear that the United States is ineffably evil. C'mon...we all know it's true.

"Even our involvement in Iraq, certainly Afghanistan, is pursuant to United Nations resolutions," said Lieberman, I-Conn. "So that was provocative and wrong."

The real problem is that the U.N. dilly-dallied for too long to get in there and do what they do best: steal gobs of (mostly American) money and rape the locals. Ya snooze, ya lose.

Putin's spokesman Dimitry Peskov said the Russian leader did not intend to be confrontational, but acknowledged it was his harshest criticism of the United States since he was elected in March 2000.

"The reason for his comments is Russia's concern about the growing amount of conflicts and the malfunctioning of international law," Peskov told the AP.

International law isn't malfunctioning. It's dysfunctioning (sic).

Earlier, German Chancellor Angela Merkel said Tehran needs to accept demands made by the U.N. and the International Atomic Energy Agency on its nuclear program. The United States and several of its Western allies believe that Iran is using the nuclear program to produce an atomic weapon.

I thought they needed this technology for "peaceful electrical power". Because, y'know, it's not like they've got any other sources of energy sitting in the ground.

"There is no way around this," Merkel said. "What we are talking about here is a very, very sensitive technology, and for that reason we need a high degree of transparency — which Iran has failed to provide — and if Iran does not do so, then the alternative for Iran is to slip further into isolation."

On the sidelines of the conference, Larijani defended his country's nuclear program as peaceful, saying: "We are no threat to our region or other countries," while indicating a willingness to return to negotiations.

While holding a fantasy map of the Mid-East - sans Israel - behind his back. Nothing to see here, folks.

"We are prepared to work together with other countries for a comprehensive peace," he said.

Why have I gotten the impression that "comprehensive peace" in that region usually equates to "dead Jooos"?

Heading into the conference, Larijani said he planned to use the gathering as an opportunity to discuss Iran's nuclear program — the first talks with Western officials since limited U.N. sanctions were imposed in December.

There's really very little to discuss, Mr. Larijani. Shut down your nuclear program or it will be shut down for you.

The annual Munich Conference on Security Policy, now in its 43rd year, often is used as an opportunity for informal diplomacy.

"You okay with killing Jooos?" "I'm down with that; and 'death to America!, too." Followed by high-fiving over expensive champagne.

Merkel, whose country holds the rotating European Union presidency, emphasized the international community's support for Israel and said there was a unified resolve to prevent Iran from developing nuclear weapons.

But they said they weren't doing that; I say we give 'em the benefit of the doubt.

The conference this year focuses on "Global Crises — Global Responsibilities," looking at NATO's changing role, the Middle East peace process, the West's relations with Russia and the fight against terrorism.

"George Bush is the terrorist!"

Some 3,500 police were on hand to keep some 1,300 protesters in check, officials said. Scattered arrests were reported, but police said there were no major incidents.

Except for an altercation between giant puppets. Further, one protester was slightly injured by a burning American flag.

Doomsday Clock, Doomsday Schlock

2007-01-17T18:02:00.000-05:00

(Insipid original AP article)

Doomsday clock now gauges climate change
Wed Jan 17, 12:21 PM ET

Scientist Stephen Hawking described climate change Wednesday as a greater threat to the planet than terrorism. Hawking made the remarks as other prominent scientists prepared to push the giant hand of its Doomsday Clock — a symbol of the risk of atomic cataclysm and now also of climate change — closer to midnight. Hawking warned that "as citizens of the world, we have a duty to alert the public to the unnecessary risks that we live with every day."

Dr. Hawking may be a brilliant physicist, but he apparently is also a 'tard (despite the fact he uses a Mac). Did "climate change" bring down the WTC?

Seems to me that leaving radical Islam (and let's face it, folks, is there really any other kind?) go unchallenged in western countries is a far greater "unnecessary risk".

It was the fourth time since the end of the Cold War that the clock has ticked forward, this time from 11:53 to 11:55, amid fears over what the trans-Atlantic group of scientists is describing as "a second nuclear age" prompted largely by atomic standoffs with Iran and North Korea.

If any nation on this planet had leaders who weren't contemptible weasels, we could easily (if harshly) deal with the nuclear threat posed by Iran and NoKo. I believe it would have a very salutary effect if the U.S. were to announce that within 24 hours, we'd light-off a freakin' nuke in an uninhabited section the Iranian desert. And then do so, followed by telling Mr. Ahmadinnerjacket that the next one will be aimed at his home and he really ought to consider dropping his nuclear program completely. Cc: Mr. "Dear Leader" Bad Lesbian Haircut.

But the organization added that the "dangers posed by climate change are nearly as dire as those posed by nuclear weapons."

And precisely what "organization" would that be, Associated Press? You've not yet mentioned it in this article, despite your vaunted "multiple layers of fact checking" and the fact you (allegedly) have editors.

Please explain: how is (alleged) climate change a danger in the same league with nuclear weapons?

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, founded in 1945 as a newsletter distributed among nuclear physicists concerned by the possibility of nuclear war, has since grown into an organization focused more generally on manmade threats to the survival of human civilization.

Oh...that organization. And I've got news for you: not a single person has been killed by a nuclear weapon since 1945.

However, there have been more than 7200 terror attacks worldwide by Muslims (certainly a "manmade threat") just since 09/11/01. According to TheReligionOfPeace.com, in Iraq alone, terror attacks by Muslims killed more than 16,700 of their fellow Muslims in 2006.

"As scientists, we understand the dangers of nuclear weapons and their devastating effects, and we are learning how human activities and technologies are affecting climate systems in ways that may forever change life on Earth," said Stephen Hawking, the renowned cosmologist and mathematician.

Dr. Hawking is further renowned for knowing jackshit about meteorology, climatology, atmospheric science or any other science that's actually pertinent to a meaningful discussion regarding "climate change".

"As citizens of the world, we have a duty to alert the public to the unnecessary risks that we live with every day, and to the perils we foresee if governments and societies do not take action now to render nuclear weapons obsolete and to prevent further climate change."

But heaven forbid that a "citizen of the world" tries to alert the public about the dangers of Islamists. Because, as we all know, that's racism. Even though there are murderous Muslims of all creeds.

The bulletin's clock, which for 60 years has followed the rise and fall of nuclear tensions, would now also measure climate change, the bulletin's editor Mark Strauss told The Associated Press.

"There's a realization that we are changing our climate for the worse," he said, "That would have catastrophic effects. Although the threat is not as dire as that of nuclear weapons right now, in the long term we are looking at a serious threat."

Because Al Gore's PowerPoint presentation told us so. And a clock is an appropriate device for measuring "climate change". "Hey, honey...what's the current temperature?" "It's almost twenty to eight, dear."

The threat of nuclear war, however, remains by far the organization's most pressing concern. "It's important to emphasize 50 of today's nuclear weapons could kill 200 million people," he said.

What an utterly meaningless statement. Weapons of what yield? Set-off where? Set-off how? Ground burst? Air burst? Death! Doom! Destruction! Fallout! Nuclear winter (which could offset alleged warmening, couldn't it?)! Aieeeee! We're all gonna die!

The decisions to move the clock is made by the bulletin's board, which is composed of prominent scientists and policy experts, in coordination with the group's sponsors.

Enquiring minds might like to know who those sponsors are. Lever Brothers? Pizza Hut? George Soros? ServPro? Sponsors always have an agenda.

Since it was set to seven minutes to midnight in 1947, the hand has been moved 18 times, including Wednesday's move.

Ooooh...the hands only move every 3.333 years on average. That's just gotta be an accurate clock.

It came closest to midnight — just two minutes away — in 1953, following the successful test of a hydrogen bomb by the United States. It has been as far away as 17 minutes, set there in 1991 following the demise of the Soviet Union.

So basically, the "Doomsday Clock" is pseudo-scientific mumbo-jumbo.

"Holy shit...one of Mickey's hands is in his armpit and the other one's in his crotch; expect death imminently. Aieeeeee!"

One Dweeb to rule us all

2006-12-29T12:25:00.000-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061229/ap_on_el_pr/edwards
2008_33&printer=1

Edwards charts new course with candidacy
By MIKE GLOVER, Associated Press Writer
Fri Dec 29, 2:48 AM ET

Former Sen. John Edwards is charting a different course as he opens his bid for the Democratic presidential nomination. He's claiming an edge in experience over potential rivals who seem to have momentum.

"There's a maturity that comes with going through and being tested in the spotlight of a national campaign," Edwards said Thursday, alluding to his experience two years ago as the Democratic vice presidential nominee.

Edwards added, "My proven ability to channel dead babies in the courtroom as well as my great hair make me the logical choice."

His first day as a declared candidate was a study in contrasts.

He launched the campaign in hurricane-ravaged New Orleans, dressed in jeans and standing with volunteers — minus the cheering crowds and waving American flags that accompany most such announcements.

Edwards queried, "Where are the cheering, flag-waving throngs? And, hey, I thought this was a chocolate city; where's all the chocolate? I don't see any. But maybe there're some dead babies in the Superdome left over from Katrina."

Edwards said volunteers working to rebuild a home "show what's possible when we as Americans, instead of staying home and complaining about somebody else not doing what they're supposed to, we actually take responsibility and we take action," he said.

"Like when I channel dead babies in the courtroom."

Afterward, Edwards headed for Iowa, where precinct caucuses traditionally launch the nominating season, for a more traditional opening. He declared his candidacy in front of nearly 1,000 flag-waving, cheering backers, then took questions for nearly an hour in a town-hall format.

Edwards said he'd "get back to you" on all of the questions after consulting with his campaign staff, which consists almost exclusively of dead babies.

When he sought the nomination in 2004, before Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry tapped him to be his running mate, Edwards offered himself as a Southern moderate who favored middle-class tax cuts and voted in the Senate to authorize the use of force in Iraq.

The message is different this time, where he faces an even tougher challenge and likely a larger field of competitors.

Because in an effort to show how "diverse" and "inclusive" they are, the Democrats are happy to let prevaricating bigots like Al Sharpton as well as demonstrable retards like Dennis Kucinich pretend that they are taken seriously as presidential candidates. And Edwards may have trouble separating his own candidacy from that of the several dead babies he'll be channeling who are also running for the nomination.

Edwards said he's developing a universal health care plan and wants to build on the two years he spent dealing with such issues as poverty, energy and global warming. He repeatedly apologized for his vote to use force in Iraq.

"It was a mistake and I take responsibility for that," Edwards said.

"We should have let the United Nations continue to send strongly-worded letters to Saddam. And my universal health care plan will help ensure that there's plenty of juicy malpractice suits so that my fellow malpractice attorneys and their channelled dead babies can continue suckling at that particular teat."

Edwards has spent the time since the 2004 election establishing a poverty center at the University of North Carolina, and he's traveled widely to promote it.

Because it seems to be the mission of the Democrats to ensure that most Americans are taxed into poverty. With the exception of the numerous millionaire Democrats in Congress (who outnumber the millionaire Republicans in Congress).

"When you've got the freedom to move around the country, which I've had for the last couple of years, you can focus on the things you care most about," he said. "As to whether the country is ready to hear it, I believe they are, but we'll see."

Sure...it's easy to move around the country when you're a millionaire trial attorney (thanks, dead babies!) who can afford to charter aircraft.

Edwards planned a six-state swing over three days, heading from Iowa to New Hampshire, Nevada, South Carolina and his home state of North Carolina.

The announcement comes early to allow him to build grass-roots support in those key states, he said. All hold nominating contests early in the campaign.

Coincidentally, those states also have large, uncommitted dead baby voting blocs

Only Rep. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio and Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack have formally announced their intentions to seek the nomination. Most of the attention is going to New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama, but Edwards said he is confident he can compete with both. He rejected suggestions that Vilsack's presence in the race would force other candidates to skip Iowa.

Kucinich always reminded me of a fetus wearing a coat and tie; he may actually give Edwards some competition for the dead baby vote. And let's face it: Edwards has better hair than Clinton, Obama and Vilsack.

"As many good people as can run is a good thing," Edwards said.

His nose appeared to grow as soon as he uttered the above.

In his announcements, Edwards also touted global warming and alternative energy proposals he's offered, and suggested taxing "the excessive profits of the oil companies" as one method of paying for them.

What "excessive profits", Johnny? Did you know that the oil companies' profit margin is actually below the average for American businesses? And it's definitely below that of dead-baby-channeling medical malpractice leeches.

Edwards called questions about his foreign policy credentials "fair," and he spent some time talking about his overseas travel, which has increased in recent months.

"The French Riviera is really lovely. And I got a fabulous deal on custom-made suits in Hong Kong; it's important to look good channelling dead babies in the courtroom."

Besides calling for the start of U.S. troop withdrawals from Iraq, he argued that the U.S. should lead efforts to stop the genocide in Sudan and the atrocities in northern Uganda. He accused President Bush of ignoring both issues.

The genocide in Sudan's been going on for nearly a decade; where have you been? Content to leave that particular issue to the U.N., weren't you? The same august organization that was too busy filling it's pockets to actually do anything about the atrocities committed by Saddam. Or in northern Uganda. Or the Middle East.

He also targeted the call by Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., to send thousands more U.S. troops into Iraq, framing what could potentially be a general election debate.

"It would be an enormous mistake to adopt the McCain doctrine and escalate the war," Edwards said.

Because actually winning would be a terrible thing; it could lead to fewer dead babies.

"Doin' It To Death": R.I.P. James Brown (1933-2006)

2006-12-25T15:26:00.000-05:00

James Brown was unquestionably a huge personal influence on me when it comes to both listening to and performing pop music (as opposed to jazz, classical and film/TV stuff).

James was a high-energy, iconic performer. But I believe his real musical genuis was the musicians with whom he surrounded himself for nearly fifty years. James told them what he wanted, but it was his sidemen who brought life to "the groove".

This is not to denigrate the man, but to suggest what a brilliant performer and bandleader he was

While James strutted, sweated and gyrated, it was his bands who "played the one". James Jamerson. St. Clair Pinckney. Fred Wesley. Maceo Parker. Peewee Ellis. Bootsy and Phelps Collins. Clyde Stubblefield. John "Jabo" Stark. And many more whose names escape me right now.

They created a musical vocabulary that is still a vital force. James Brown is probably the most "sampled" performer in hip-hop and will remain so for a very long time. Even David Bowie's "Fame" (co-written by John Lennon and Carlos Alomar) has a rhythm track that is virtually a note-by-note copy of a tune by James called "Hot (I Need Your Love Love Love Love Love)" which was released the preceding year.

And "The Payback" has the single funkiest, nastiest, rawest groove ever. It is unquestionably a proto-rap recording. (Although to my knowledge, it's never been used in a hip-hop hit. Not that I listen to much of it; just sayin'.)

It also has one of my favorite unintentionally-silly J.B. lyrics:

"Don't do me no darn favor
I don't know karate, but I know ka-razor"

James Brown and his amazing bands were about the only thing which could induce a bespectacled, pimply, pudgy, klutzy orchestra geek out onto the dance floor when I was a kid. Something about that music transcended my self-consciousness; there was simply no way I couldn't get out there and twitch spastically and enthusiastically.

While not giving a rat's ass how goofy I looked. That is an astounding thing.

He truly was "The Godfather of Soul (and the Minister of the New, New Super-Heavy Funk)"

U.N. To Tackle Growing "E-Waste" Menace

2006-11-28T10:22:00.000-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/cmp/20061127/tc_cmp/196500017

By Reuters
Sun Nov 26, 6:36 AM ET

NAIROBI, Nov 26 - Western donations of old computers, mobile phones and televisions could be toxic "hand-me-downs" posing a hazard to the environment of poor countries, a major U.N. conference will hear this week.

Delegations from some 120 nations meeting for five days of talks in Kenya will focus on the estimated 20-50 million tonnes of so-called "e-waste" generated globally each year, much of it then shipped to the developing world.

There's a very simple solution, you officious, corrupt pricks: we'll simply cease sending our old stuff to third-world countries.

"We want developing countries to receive usable items," Sachiko Kuwabara Yamamoto, head of the Basel Convention which monitors hazardous waste, told a news conference on Sunday.

"Of course, who pays for this is a big issue," she said.

Aha! As usual with the U.N., it's about "who pays". So that as many U.N. bureaucrats and their cronies as possible can get a "taste".

Western consumers who donate old equipment to poor nations, especially in Africa, could be adding to a multitude of environmental problems there, officials say.

"...could be adding..."? So you bastards aren't even sure about "environmental problems", but you're already convinced that someone should pay for it. Speaking of which...how's that Kyoto Protocol thing working out for you?

One study last year in Nigeria said about 500 containers of secondhand electronics arrived at Lagos seaport every month.

But dealers said as much as three-quarters of the PCs, televisions and phones inside were "junk" -- so obsolete they could not be repaired. Many were burned at open-air dumps, releasing toxic fumes and leaching chemicals like barium, mercury and brominated flame retardants into surrounding soils.

Why are developed, successful nations being held accountable for (alleged) irresponsible disposal of these items in third-world shitholes over which they have no control? Oh...it's because first-world countries have money and should feel guilty about it. They can then assuage that guilt by forking large quantities of money to the U.N. so that about 90% or so can be skimmed by their officials. You know...like that whole "Oil For Food" business.

TIP OF ICEBERG

Kenyan Environment Minister Kivutha Kibwana said the same thing was happening at dumps around his capital city Nairobi.

"If you go there you will see the other side of these donations," he said. "And this problem is on the increase."

As stated earlier, there's a very simple way to fix the problem; you get nothing. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Say "buh bye" to the toxic fumes, barium, mercury and brominated flame retardants. Simple and effective.

And you can also say "buh bye" to all of the technology that your miserable countries cannot afford to purchase new from overseas, much less design and manufacture for yourselves. This will help ensure that your shithole fiefdoms fall even further behind the developed world and allow you to play for additional sympathy.

On the table at this week's meeting are proposals to make manufacturers -- including some of the world's top computer companies -- take more responsibility for their products, from the design stage through the supply chain to final disposal.

Could these assholes be any more blatant? Successful capitalistic endeavors like Dell, HP, Gateway, Toshiba, Apple, Sony, et.al. have deep pockets. And that's just not fair to destitute, corrupt, despotic, tyrannical countries, is it?

The U.N. Environment Programme estimates that some 14-20 million PCs are thrown out each year in the United States alone.

Activists say if manufacturers had to pay recycling costs, they would create less toxic, longer-life products.

Fuck recycling; with the exception of aluminum cans, it's a giant scam. The proof of this is very simple: aluminum cans are the only "recycleable" which anyone will actually pay cash for.

If other sectors were profitable, recycling companies would also pay you for paper, plastics, glass, etc. But they don't, because there is no savings in recycling them. At least not without billions of dollars in taxpayers' money subsidizing the whole shebang.

As an example of Basel's work with industry, Yamamoto hailed a four-year partnership with 12 mobile phone manufacturers including Vodafone, Nokia and Sony Ericsson to develop strategies for the recycling and re-use of the more than 600 million phones now sold worldwide every year.

I don't have a problem if private companies voluntarily want to investigate methods for recycling and re-use of phones (or anything else). But I have a huge problem if this is forced upon them. Particularly if it involves the U.N., as I believe they are one of the most foully corrupt and despicable organizations on the planet.

As well as "e-waste", the meeting will also consider what to do with thousands of aircraft and ships expected to go out of service and be scrapped before the end of the decade.

I'm sure this "consideration" will primarily involve methods for extorting money and lining pockets.

It will also focus on strengthening nations' obligatory reporting on waste shipments thought to be have increased more than four-fold around the world in the last decade. Only about 70 percent of Basel signatory nations currently file reports.

"You can only manage what you can measure," Yamamoto said. "The reporting we have at the moment is really just the tip of an iceberg."

Too bad this alleged "iceberg" is unlikely to sink the United Nations like the friggin' Titanic. Personally, I'd love to watch Secretary General Coughing Anus' frozen cadaver sink into the depths of the North Sea.

Islamic nations establish science network!

2006-11-25T13:24:00.000-05:00

Islamic scientists discover pink thingies inside the human body.

Research into electric djinns.

Islamic rocket science.

Saddam with a Zionist space alien.

http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?click_id=31&art_id=iol1164361163379S530&set_id

By Wagdy Sawahel

Islamic nations will set up a network to explore the relationship between religion and science, according to a report on the Science and Development Network website (www.scidev.net).

Note that "scidev.net" backwards is "ten.vedics", no doubt a veiled (heh!) reference to the Aryans who settled India ca.1500 B.C. and the fact that even 3500 years ago, Germans were ten times more efficient at exterminating Jews than present day Islamists.

Ethical issues have been at the forefront of debates among the scientific and Islamic communities in recent years, as scientists have pushed the boundaries of research into economically significant fields such as biotechnology, genetically modified crops to survive drought and fight hunger and stem cell research with the potential to combat debilitating diseases.

Not to mention even more pressing ethical and scientific issues like "Jews: Transgenic Descendants of Apes, Pigs and Dogs", "'Frankenstein': Classic Novel or Zionist Plot to Create Legions of Undead Super-Jews for Controlling the Banking Industry?" and "Jack & Jill (If Those Are Their Real Names): Were They Fetching Water or Poisoning the Well?".

Abdulaziz Othman Altwaijri, director general of the Morocco-based Islamic Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation, said the network was needed to strengthen scientific research.

Giving-up filthy Seventh Century practices might jump-start the whole business, but that's probably asking way too much.

"Our Ummah [community] witnesses a lack of interest in keeping pace with the latest scientific and technological developments," Altwajiri said. The Islamic community "has the lowest levels of scientific and technological development among all nations and suffers from a poor scientific infrastructure at all levels."

Because of the wide-spread belief that virtually all scientific advances (except those which might lead to the immediate gratification of killing Jews) are tools of Shaitan.

Just like Jews themselves.

He said consolidating Islamic solidarity would help confront the challenges they face. The new network. which will consist of scholars, scientists, technologists and researchers from Islamic countries, will monitor and analyse the applications of new developments biotechnology, nanotechnology and information technology.

To investigate their usefulness in killing Jews. And later, kuffars.

It will assess their ethical and legal — with regards to Islamic law — impact on society.

This may take them some time, given that nearly everything is evil, save treating women and children like chattel, murdering unbelievers (especially Jews), beheading, stoning, shooting, stabbing, asphyxiating, crushing, poisoning and exploding.

The new network will also issue guidelines for ethicists, scientists, policymakers and the general public.

It will likely consist of "dead kuffars make the baby Mohammed laugh."

In addition, the network will seek to promote an Islamic scientific culture through training programmes on the ethical responsibility of scientists.

"Islamic scientific culture" is a sad joke equivalent to "Congressional ethics." Their last scientific advance was the invention of "zero", which is the answer to the perennial query "how many Jews are an acceptable number?"

Athar Osama, founder and coordinator of the Pakistan Research Support Network, said Muslim scientists need a broader consensus to reassure them of what scientific practices are in line with Islamic values.

That's easy: none. But Allah will look the other way if it leads to murdering unbelievers, because he is a swell deity.

Pa Tamba Ngom, a researcher at the Nutrition Programme of Medical Research Council, The Gambia, warned of the risk of isolating Islamic scientists.

"While it is important to have such an Islamic boost for science, [one should not] lose sight of the fact that scientific research is heavily hinged on global collaboration. A balance must be reached between the benefits of an Islamic boost for science and the realities of the present day situation," he told SciDev.Net.

Mr. Ngom further stated that, "Goat carts and sailing ships may not be the most efficient method of delivering weapons of mass destruction. But we believe we're very close to a breakthrough in flying carpet technology."

The Islamic Ethical Network on Science and Technology was announced at the third Islamic Conference of the Ministers of Higher Education and Scientific Research held in Kuwait in November. It was attended by representatives from 56 states and 30 regional and international organisations.

Scientists, technologists and science policymakers from Islamic, Arab and international academic organisations attended the conference, which was organised by the Morocco-based Islamic Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation. The next conference will be held in two years' time.

At which time they hope to have a symposium on the magic phrase "seem seem sallabeem" and its usefulness to invoke djinns.

To prevent the continuing brain drain, participants suggested that Islamic countries increase academic opportunities and facilities for higher education and training, particularly at postgraduate research levels.

A motion to discourage young men and women from blowing themselves to smithereens was unanimously rejected as "too radical".

The conference also agreed to increase scientific cooperation between countries. - SciDev.Net

This will be initiated by an open and frank discussion of self-flagellation technologies.

Six Muslim imams removed from MSP flight

2006-11-21T11:24:00.000-05:00

http://www.kstp.com/article/stories/S20152.html?cat=1

Updated: 11/21/2006 08:55:21 AM

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) - Six Muslim imams on Monday were removed from a US Airways flight at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport and questioned by police for several hours before being released, a leader of the group said.

The six were among passengers who boarded Flight 300, bound for Phoenix, around 6:30 p.m., airport spokesman Pat Hogan said.

A passenger initially raised concerns about the group through a note passed to a flight attendant, according to Andrea Rader, a spokeswoman for US Airways. She said police were called after the captain and airport security workers asked the men to leave the plane and the men refused.

"They took us off the plane, humiliated us in a very disrespectful way," said Omar Shahin, of Phoenix.

It's the same damned thing every time; "humiliation", "disrespect". Never, ever a single word of understanding about why many Americans might be just a tich concerned about strangers on their flight in a post-9/11 world.

The six Muslim scholars were returning from a conference in Minneapolis of the North American Imams Federation, said Shahin, president of the group. Five of them were from the Phoenix-Tempe area, while one was from Bakersfield, Calif., he said.

Three of them stood and said their normal evening prayers together on the plane, as 1.7 billion Muslims around the world do every day, Shahin said. He attributed any concerns by passengers or crew to ignorance about Islam.

I call "shenanigans", as it is my understanding that Muslims always kneel in submission when they pray to their fetid death deity; I doubt these asshats were "standing". Further, given the behavior of the Muslim community in America for more than five years, many of us are anything but ignorant about Islam.

"I never felt bad in my life like that," he said. "I never. Six imams. Six leaders in this country. Six scholars in handcuffs. It's terrible."

Pally, if you think you feel bad now, just wait until the average American has decided they've had enough of you and your evil cult. You are a fool if you believe that just because you have most of our leaders cowed that the same is true for us "just folks".

Trust me...you're going to feel a whole lot worse next time your co-religionists do something we don't care for on our soil.

Ibrahim Hooper, spokesman for the Washington-based Council on American-Islamic Relations, expressed anger at the detentions.

Mr. Cooper is a professional seether and whiner.

He also once told the Minneapolis Star Tribune, "I wouldn't want to create the impression that I wouldn't like the government of the United States to be Islamic sometime in the future." Further, more than one former official of CAIR has been convicted of terrorism-related crimes which they committed while working for that august organization.

"CAIR will be filing a complaint with relevant authorities in the morning over the treatment of the imams to determine whether the incident was caused by anti-Muslim hysteria by the passengers and/or the airline crew," Hooper said. "Because, unfortunately, this is a growing problem of singling out Muslims or people perceived to be Muslims at airports, and it's one that we've been addressing for some time."

Anti-Muslim sentiment in America is caused almost solely by the actions of you and your co-religionists, period. The fact we haven't yet gone bug-fuck nuts on Muslims in this country demonstrates that we'll put up with a lot of crap.

But be aware that our patience with you is very nearly at an end.

Hooper said the meeting drew about 150 imams from all over the country, and that those attending included U.S. Rep.-elect Keith Ellison, D-Minneapolis, who just became the first Muslim elected to Congress. Shahin said they went as far as notifying police and the FBI about their meeting in advance.

Shahin expressed frustration that - despite extensive efforts by him and other Muslim leaders since even before the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks - so many Americans know so little about Islam.

We know that you're ultimately interested in creating a world-wide caliphate; there's really no room for negotiating, understanding, rainbows, unicorns or "Kumbaya". And I defy you to show me any credible evidence of your so-called "extensive efforts".

"If up to now they don't know about prayers, this is a real problem," he said.

The real problem is that we know precisely what you're praying for.

Reached by cell phone just after his release, Shahin said he didn't know where they would spend the night or how they would try to get back to Phoenix on Tuesday. Hooper said US Airways refused to put the men on another flight.

Thank you, US Airways. I hope that the flying public will reward you with increased business.

Hogan said more information would likely be released Tuesday.

The other passengers on the flight, which was carrying 141 passengers and five crew members, were re-screened for boarding, Rader said. The plane took off about three hours after the men were removed from the flight.

Next time, fly one of your fuckin' carpets and avoid all of the hassles at U.S. airports which are a direct result of your co-religionists' actions.

Do you have any idea how just how much the security procedures at airports necessitated by Muslims have angered and frustrated most Americans? The payback's going to be worse than you can possibly imagine.

Raccoons invade California enclave

2006-11-20T17:20:00.000-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061118/ap_on_re_us/venice_raccoons

Raccoons invade California enclave
By NOAKI SCHWARTZ, Associated Press Writer
Fri Nov 17, 7:37 PM ET

One balmy summer night, Larna Hartnack awoke to the cries of her dog Charlie and, to her horror, found the Dalmatian in a battle for her life — pinned by a gang of raccoons that tore into her flesh and nearly gnawed off her tail.

Charlie survived. But recurring raccoon attacks on dogs and other creatures have unnerved people along the Venice Canals, a funky, well-to-do beach neighborhood packed with ardent dog lovers, many of whom are now afraid to walk their pets at night or leave them alone in the back yard.

Communities around the country are plagued by destructive or aggressive raccoons, and many of them routinely trap, remove and even kill the animals. But this being California, the city's animal-control agency is instead urging people to try to get along with the raccoons — a notion that strikes some as political correctness gone wild.

Yup...we need to find the Rodney King of the fucking raccoon 'hood there in Venice and put him on TV plaintively asking, "Couldn't we all just get along?".

"What we're trying to inculcate in the L.A. community is a reverence for life. If we have more reverence for life, it translates into all our programs — for women and infants, the elderly and everybody in our community," said Ed Boks, the head of Los Angeles Animal Services.

Apparently Mr. Boks doesn't include Charlie the Dalmatian in this "reverence for life". What next, you pinhead? Compassion for packs of wild dogs? Rabid animals? Killer bees?

This asswipe should be trundled to the L.A. Zoo and fed, alive, to the lions; well see how well that "reverence for life" works for him.

"As we develop these programs that demonstrate our compassion for creatures completely at our mercy, it makes for a more compassionate society all the way around."

What would be compassionate to the taxpayers of L.A. would be to immediately terminate this cocksucker for abject failure to do his job and replace him with a grown-up.

Wildlife experts are commending the city for resisting demands to remove the raccoons. No-kill policies are rare among animal-control agencies in the U.S., and most apply only to dogs and cats. In Los Angeles, rabies in raccoons is not as big a threat as it is in other parts of the country, and there may be more sympathy for wildlife.

"Los Angeles is typically one of the more progressive agencies," said John Hadidian, director of the Humane Society's urban wildlife program. "I consider this a welcome sign that others might follow soon."

It sure is "kind, caring and compassionate" to allow people's pets to be attacked by wild animals.

The strategy has angered some residents.

No fucking shit.

"Oh my God. I don't think I've ever been more insulted as a woman to be compared to a voiceless raccoon," said Hartnack, owner of Charlie the Dalmatian. She said the agency "seems more concerned with making a political statement than protecting people."

*Ding ding ding ding ding!* Demand that Mr. Boks put his money where his big, fat, annoying mouth is by feeding the raccoons. By offering himself as a feast for them.

"Once you've been attacked by these animals and have them hanging out on your deck, your respect for their lives is lower than your respect for your animal's life and your own security," she said.

The animal-control agency sees people as part of the problem: They are tempting raccoons by leaving dog food and trash bags unguarded.

The agency also believes that women who are raped are "asking for it" by wearing provocative clothing.

"If you live in a high-crime area and don't put bars on your windows and you've had break-ins before, you're asking for it," said Gregory Randall, a wildlife specialist with the agency. "Our goal here is coexistence and making the alterations you need to make."

It's sooo progressive and compassionate to blame the victims.

No, Mr. Randall...when the authorities charged with protecting you and your property fail to do their job, you purchase a weapon and kill the perpetrators yourself.

Further, if it were up to me, you and Mr. Boks would have your rectums cauterized with a white-hot poker and you would be left to slowly drown in your own filth as an object lesson. And then have your carcasses given to the raccoons.

In most cases, the city traps animals only if they are injured or attack people, he said.

Wildlife experts are reluctant to move the raccoons to the wilderness because they could have trouble surviving and might introduce diseases. Also, Randall said raccoons do not attack unless cornered.

I see...it is the raccoons who are the victims here.

He advised residents to try to keep raccoons out of their homes by getting rid of trellises and bougainvillea, closing cat doors and locking up kibble. Strobe lights, motion-activated sprinklers and talk radio can scare off the animals.

Talk radio? That could turn the raccoons into *gasp* eeeevil conservatives.

Venice Canals, a community of 400 homes, is the kind of place where nearby shopkeepers greet customers and their dogs by name and often have a bowl of water or dog biscuits on hand. One resident turned part of his property into a dog park.

That's probably why the raccoons are so pissed; they don't have their own park so they're feeling marginalized and are demanding social justice by acting out.

Dogs have not been the only victims of the raccoons. They have chomped on ducks, a parrot and the legs of a turtle that they dug out of hibernation. Nadine Parkos, former president of the Venice Canals homeowners association, said the koi fish in her pond were massacred.

Some residents tried to trap the raccoons but instead snared two cats and an opossum.

As for Charlie the Dalmatian, fur has grown over her scars, but she still whimpers and cowers when she sees raccoons approaching the family deck.

Hartnack and her husband have bought a BB gun and got the dog a stuffed raccoon.

"She loves attacking it," Hartnack said.

Might be smarter to purchase a shotgun and use it on Messrs. Boks, Randall and Hadidian.

An Open Letter to "Moderate" Muslims

2006-09-30T17:44:00.000-05:00

Dear “Moderate” Muslims of America:

I don’t believe any of you actually exist. I really don’t.

Perhaps it’s daft of me, but if I were an adherent of anything billing itself as the “religion of peace”, yet had co-religionists whose behavior was so utterly otherwise, there are many things I’d do.

Displaying complicity (or anything even vaguely resembling it) with murderous animals is assuredly not one of them. Particularly while living in a country where the average person has good cause to be leery of Muslims these days.

It’s funny...for a bunch of folks who scream, gibber, ululate and file lawsuits over stuff like our cruel and fascist insistence that someone expose their entire face for a driver’s license photo, you really missed the boat insofar as protesting your co-religionists’ little makeover of the New York skyline. The remodeling at the Pentagon. London. Madrid.

Or that embarassing misunderstanding in Beslan. (“School bond issue? We thought you said bomb. Oopsy-doodles. But at least we reduced class sizes.”)

Most of you may as well stop reading right here and skip straight to issuing a fatwa against me; I’m sure you’ve already gotten your burnooses, keffiyehs, turbans, hijabs, burkas, dishrags, hankies, towels and assorted silly haberdashery in a twist.

On the other hand, if you need a break from your busy schedule of filling-out purchase orders for shoulder-fired missles, performing clitorectomies, tutoring “Introduction to Jew Hatred” at your local mosque and dressing Habib, Jr.up as a “L’il Jihadi”, perhaps you’ll learn something.

You see, your fetid jihad against America is ultimately doomed to failure. And since you clearly lack a nuanced understanding of our grudging domestic “multiculturalism”, I offer the following for your edification. (Hey, don’t thank me...I’m a giver.)

F’rinstance...do you honestly think that all those Red-State rednecks will just roll-over and forego their beer, whisky, pork rinds, sausage gravy and the bacon to mix into their grits? Do you believe they’ll voluntarily stop going to church? I’m guessing that folks with shotgun racks and mangy hounds in their pickups, not to mention a well-documented proclivity for playing around with high explosives, will not be real cooperative. When you factor in the popularity of methamphetamines and oxycontin, y’all might have a little problem.

Additionally, the women-folk are not gonna wear any type of head covering that messes up their elaborate hair-dos. Nor will they stop wearing copious quantities of cosmetics. (Shit-fire...they’re already peeved with you over the fact that they can no longer carry eyelash curlers aboard airliners.)

Their cousins the hillbillies (also fond of weapons, blowin’ shit up real good amd possessing a marked distaste for authority of any sort) ain’t gonna be too pleased about shuttin’ down their stills. They also don’t take kindly to strangers forcing them to change their way of life. Please be advised that lack of complete dentition does not equate to a corresponding lack of ornery cussedness and determination to be left alone.

The Ku Klux Klan and their ilk are distantly related to the above and have a long history of terrorizing and killing their fellow Americans. Hell...they’ve even gone after Catholics. What do you think they’ll do to a bunch of “dadblamed furriners” who act, dress and talk kind o’ funny? And who believe in a “heathen” god? You are heartily encouraged to find out firsthand.

I’ll also be curious to see what happens when you tell black folks that they can no longer enjoy a slab of ribs, bag of pork rinds, pig’s feet, chitterlings or a forty of Olde English 800. And they ain’t gonna be too keen on having to give-up church, either. (By the way, gospel music is infinitely more uplifting then the caterwauling of your wizened, pull-start muezzins.) I highly recommend that you learn the colloquial meanings of both “cap” and “bust”, particularly as they apply to your asses.

And remember: whenever you see a black woman’s eyes start to get big as she begins that side-to-side neck thang while waggling her forefinger, it means that she’s...oh, heck; I’m just gonna let you learn for yourselves.

How about Americans of Asian descent? Trust me, you don’t wanna do anything to interrupt their children’s study or piano practicing time, else they’ll carve you into sashimi before you can even draw your scimitar. Or chop you into bite-sized bits and wok you with peppers, onions and chile oil. Or shred you, pack you in brine and bury you in the yard. Or press you in the steam iron; light starch, please.

And all the while, their young adults will be engineering better ways to neutralize the lot of you while creatively capitalizing the whole endeavor. Plus making a fair profit, to boot.

You’re gonna have some problems with Hispanics, too. I think you’ll find them unwilling to give up alcohol, carnitas and church, just like blacks and rednecks. (See, underneath it all, we Americans really are more similar than different.) And ball fringe is a fashion no-no with turbans and burnooses.

Do you Muslims have any idea how many “Arabic As A Second Language” programs you’d have to sponsor?

Not to mention that eliminating the scantily-clad babes appearing in virtually all Spanish language television programming will seriously piss them off (along with non-Hispanic straight men, bisexual women and lesbians of every ethnicity in America.)

And trust me, you definitely don’t wanna agitate lesbians (which, granted, isn’t all that difficult to do). I will enjoy the resulting mayhem when you tell women in flannel shirts, overalls, steel-toed work boots and Kim Jong Il haircuts that they are now second-class citizens and must submit to the whims of males.

I’m sure you won’t mind having your testicles forcibly relocated to the vicinity of your epiglottis while being regaled with readings from poorly-written tracts decrying “patriarchal societies”.

Even gay men will not be as easily intimidated as you probably assume. They will take a dim view of being forced to give-up well-tailored clothing, not to mention feather boas and chaps-sans-pants, for one of those hideous, shapeless robes. Honey, those things make everyone look like they’re in bad Totie Fields drag.

And know that a bottle of white wine can crush your skull every bit as well as a 2”x4” if the wielder is sufficiently petulant. Not to mention what a size eighteen red patent leather spike heel can do when jammed into your ear, eye socket or rectum. Fabulous!

Lastly, we come to the favorite object of everyone’s enmity: those nefarious, conniving Jews. In America, we’ve only loathed ‘em for a few centuries; you’ve got a couple millenia on us there. Sure, they completely control the media, banking and government. But our economy (even the last few years) is better than any Muslim country’s and interest rates are low. Not to mention that American TV, crappy as it may be, is way more entertaining then Al-Jazeera.

Most of us seem to like it that way.

And when we Americans get a taste for deli, a corned goat sandwich on pita (even if it has caraway seeds) with a side of cous-cous and a bottle of Dr. Maroun’s Sand Tonic just ain’t gonna cut it.

(Point of curiosity: does the 72 virgins clause apply if you’re noodged to death?)

O moderate Muslims of America, your silence places you and your families in grave peril. After 9/11, the number of “unfortunate things” which happened to Muslims (or those mistaken for same) in the United States was statistically insignificant in a nation of 280 million people.

Rightly or wrongly, this will not be the case when adherents of Islam do something naughty on American soil again. The fact is that for the last few decades, virtually every single act of terrorism and genocide on our planet has been perpetuated by Muslims. Coupled with your deafening silence here in our country, we’ve got a collectively itchy trigger finger.

(And need I remind you of the enormous number of weapons in the hands of private American citizens?)

America’s will has been underestimated in the past by folks with much greater technological prowess than Muslims currently posess. Folks such as the Imperial Japanese and the Nazis. They, like Islamofascists, believed that we were too fat, happy, complacent and wimpy to go to war.

They, like Islamofascists, were a teensy bit wrong.

A few words of advice: Dresden. Hiroshima. Nagasaki.

Many of your imams, emirs and mullahs say that Islam will triumph because we kuffirs love life, while Muslims love death. Assuming the love-of-death bit is true, just keep up your bad behavior.

We’ll shower you with so much fucking love that Allah will have to add a third shift at the hymen factory.

A Salaam Al-KaBoom,
Fatwa Arbuckle

The Bogeyman of Genetically-Modified Foods

2006-09-09T00:58:00.000-05:00

(Posted for SBH from DHD...because I said I would.)

Originally published 07/06/03

For those of you who believe that genetically modified foods are unnatural, creepy and faintly redolent of Mary Shelley, I have some highly distressing news for you:

You’ve been eating them your entire life.

Yup...every single bit of food that you have consumed since you ceased suckling at your mother’s teat is the result of genetic modification by humans. It matters not one whit whether ‘twas organically-grown by Buddhist monks in California’s Central Valley, raised using free range methods by aging hippies in Wyoming, picked from your own backyard garden or stolen from your neighbor’s.

That’s right. Without exception, you’ve been shoveling naught but genetically modified food into your drooling, gaping maw since you got started on strained peas. And virtually every single bit of this genetic modification has been directed by human beings.

Mankind has been genetically tinkering with plants and animals for thousands of years. Since the dawn of the Agricultural Age, in the dim mists of history, we’ve been screwing around with Mother Nature. The copious quantities of wheat raised in the heartland of America (which feeds not only us, but helps to feed tens of millions of hungry humans around the world) is only a distant genetic cousin to the grain which once grew in the fields beneath Mount Ararat thousands of years ago. (And even back then, that region was a malodorous cesspit of hatred.) Wheat is a GM food.

The bounteous golden corn maturing in America’s summer sun (which also nourishes untold multitudes all over our planet) bears little resemblance to the maize which once fed the indigenes of Central and South America (when they weren’t busy sacrificing their citizenry or playing soccer-cum-basketball with human heads). Corn is a GM food.

This phenomenal abundance of basic foodstuffs is grown by less than 2% of the YouEss population, in large part because of genetic modification. (Plus the incentives provided by a relatively free-market economy, some semblance of respect for individual rights, property rights and the wonders of capitalism.)

In fact, if it weren’t for the foully corrupt governments in most countries, full-bellied Eco-Nazis, trust fund anarchists and the loathsome abomination that is the UN, even more of the starving millions across the planet could be fed. The problem ain’t a global shortage of food; it is a surfeit of despicable politics and human idiocy bordering on outright evil.

I know how some of you hate to pass moral judgements on anyone or anything (with the possible exception of Republicans). But I hope we can all agree that permitting hundreds of millions of human beings to starve solely due to politics is shameful, immoral and despicable. Nonetheless, this is precisely what is happening.

Two week ago in Sacramento, California, more than one hundred agricultural ministers from World Trade Organization nations convened the International Ministerial Conference and Expo on Agricultural Science and Technology, sponsored by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. These agricultural minsters gathered to discuss the latest advances in biotechnology and how these techniques can be used to feed the 800 million starving people of the Third World.

It bears repeating that the eeeevil, capitalistic, hegemonic American gub’mint underwrote this conference. Because most of the participating countries haven’t the proverbial “pot to shit in” due to circimstances such as lack of a market economy as well as a lack of personal freedom, respect for individual or property rights, high taxation, etc.. Not to mention odious, dissolute leaders who divert foreign aid money (most of which originates from American taxpayers) meant for food and medicine into their Swiss bank accounts.

(I shall spare you my feelings, just this once, regarding the way said YouEss gub’mint forcibly extorts all of this funding from its hard-working populace...chalk it up to a sudden attack of “sweetness ‘n’ light”.)

C’mon folks...if we ‘Merkins were interested only in exploiting the natural resources of these repulsive, diseased Third World shitholes, the absolutely easiest thing to do would be to let them all starve to death. Whereupon we could simply waltz in (carefully dancing over the bloated, maggot-ridden corpses) and help ourselves to the goodies.

But I digress.

The Ag Expo’s theme was the use of science and technology to address world hunger. As a result of the advances in biotechnology, genetically altered crops often boost plant yields while requiring fewer pesticides and reducing the acreage needed for farming. These advances also permit raising crops in marginal soil which would be otherwise unusable.

While the WTO agricultural ministers were at least pretending to do something about the starvation of unfortunate people worldwide (numbering nearly THREE TIMES the entire population of the U.S.), cretinous protesters with full stomachs (and apparently empty skulls and hearts) were busy trying to disrupt the proceedings.

Included amongst these pampered, well-fed dimwits were representatives of The Ruckus Society, who in-turn provide training for the Earth Liberation Front, a leading domestic terrorist group. Here’s a little example of ELF’s callous disregard for human life:

Kenyan agronomist Dr. Florence Wambugu spent three years working with the Monsanto company developing a GM virus-resistant sweet potato that she said "holds the promise of feeding some of the 800 million chronically undernourished people in the world." Apparently unimpressed, eco-terrorists with the Earth Liberation Front destroyed her lab and test crops.

"If they don't want it, they don't have to have it," Wambugu said. "We're dying, so can we eat first?"

The Ruckus Society receives generous funding from the Ben And Jerry’s Foundation. Next time you’re enlarging your fundament and clogging your arteries with a pint of high-butterfat Cherry Garcia ice cream, I hope you’ll ponder the fact that you’re actively contributing to the starvation of millions of your fellow humans. Bon appétit!

Two decades worth of experience with gene-spliced crops has not shown any injury to any individual, nor any significant damage to eco-systems. (I’ll pause for a moment so that you can reread that last sentence; it’s sort o’ important.)

Further, the AgBio World Foundation has collected the signatures of 3,200 international scientists for its Declaration of Support of Agricultural Biotechnology, including twenty Nobel Laureates. "Golden Rice," bio-fortified with beta-carotene from daffodils has been given to Third World farmers. This has the power to prevent anemia and the Vitamin A deficiency which blinds hundreds of thousands of Third World children.

But the neo-Luddites of the environmentalist movement have already made up their minds. They’ve raised enough doubts about GM foods to cause drought-stricken Zambia to reject a shipment of gene-spliced corn from the U.S. last year. Chance Kabaghe, Deputy Minister of Agriculture for Zambia, told the Sacramento Bee his country had little choice, even though many teetered on the verge of starvation.

Why? America's corn crop carries implanted genes that produce natural Bacillus thuringiensis pesticide, safe for humans and friendly insects like ladybugs and lacewings, and requires virtually no costly spraying. Splicing corn with a borrowed natural soil bacterium defense has already saved an estimated 300 million bushels of corn from being destroyed by insects. (Similar GM crops could prevent famines in the Third World where insects typically devour a third of crops.)

Apparently that’s a bad thing according to The Ruckus Society, the Committee In Solidarity with the People of El Salvador, the SHARE Foundation, Direct Action to Stop the War, Students for Justice in Palestine and the rest of the Leftist loons who are clearly not interested in saving 800 million of their fellow humans from a particularly nasty death.

A strange conglomeration of “eco-protestors”, n’est çe pas? They were quite busy showing their “solidarity” by vandalizing private property, hurling light bulbs filled with sulfuric acid at police, performing worse-than-sophomoric “street theater” (fraught with awful puppetry), passing out “Free Mumia” literature and further straining California’s already back-breaking deficit. So busy, in fact, that they just couldn’t seem to find time to present a single, well-reasoned, cogent argument supporting their phony-baloney concerns over GM food.

As a somewhat ironic aside, an attorney for several of these thugs (after their arrests) proclaimed that his clients had a Constitutional right to vegan meals. I enthusiastically concur...bread and water would meet any reasonable definition of “vegan”.

Beyond genetically modifying plants, humans have also been tailoring animals since well before the advent of modern gene-splicing technology. Cows, horses, pigs and chickens, to name but a few. Hell...mankind even crossbred two completely different species to create the humble mule, which is the result of a male donkey and a female horse. And it was done utterly without fancy lab equipment or anything approaching our current level of genetic knowledge.

Mules are also sterile; this happens rather often when genetically modifying animals or plants. (I hope it is self-evident to you that such delicacies as seedless watermelons, another GM food, are utterly incapable of producing more of themselves.)

We’ve learned an awful lot about genetics since Watson and Crick made their breakthrough discovery. (If you don’t know them, git Googling.) But we’re not doing anything that hasn’t already been going on for thousands of years. We are simply doing it more quickly, powerfully and efficiently. That’s progress, and it is a wonderful thing.

Perhaps you’re worried about giant mutant ears of corn with weird bloodshot eyes, venom dripping fangs and long jagged claws, or some strange variety of broccoli that chews its way out of your abdomen (ala “Alien”) after being consumed. Trust me..it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.

(By the way, broccoli began as a natural mutation of cabbage which was happened upon by a curious Italian farmer. The farmer helped nature along a bit via GM to bring us a yummy, healthful new cruciferous vegetable.

Fun Fact: This veggie got it’s American name because it was first imported here by the grandfather of movie producer Albert “Cubby” Broccoli (of “James Bond” fame). Had the initial importer been from Eastern Europe, Chinese restaurants would now serve “Hunan Beef with Czmarko (Spicy)” Or you might feed your family steamed hlobeczy with cheese sauce.

Here’s some more info regarding genetically modified animals for you to digest:

That yapping, annoying little Lhasa apso down the street (which deserves no better than being punted into the nearest refuse bin) was once a friggin’ wolf. Ditto a slobbering St. Bernard or a frenzied Jack Russell terrier. Uh huh...back in the day, a pack of their forebears would’ve hunted you down, surrounded you and overwhelmed you prior to ripping out your throat and cheerfully turning you into a lupine buffet.

We were not “companions” to them, we were farm-fresh, ambulatory Kibbles’N’Bits©. Beggin’ Strips© on the hoof. We were their prey, fer chrissakes. Until the hand of man genetically modified these wild beasts by purposefully breeding them for desirable traits (i.e., loyalty) whilst eliminating those which were undesirable (i.e., humping of guests’ legs; this modification is clearly still in beta-testing).

The cats revered by ancient Egyptians (and, no doubt, some of you) were once critters large enough to handily run you down on the savannah, break your back (or worse) with one swipe of their paw and chew your throat out with nary a pause before happily feasting on your viscera.

The transformation from ferocious feline killing-machine into Mr. Snuggles was due to genetic modification done by human beings. We bred these fearsome beasts into daintier critters which were smaller, (somewhat) more people-friendly and only too glad to puke and/or piss into your shoe without the slightest provocation.

And do you really think all of those different breeds of pwecious widdle kitties and puppies occur naturally? The differences between a chihuahua and an Old English sheepdog are astounding; and all wrought by mankind’s manipulation of nature. (Oddly, both breeds have beers named after them.)

To bring things full-circle, some human cultures have taken to eating cats and dogs. The prey now preys on the predator, all thanks to genetic modification. The underdog, er, underhuman has finally triumphed. (This also provides an amusing quandary for those who support both animal rights and multiculturalism.)

And Froggies eat horsies, which I mention only because I felt the need to include a gratuitous dig at the Pompidou-and-circumstances crowd. Horse d’oeuvres, anyone?

Nay.

The WTC Attack

2006-09-07T19:00:00.002-05:00

The following was written three days after 9/11. It is repro-duced here without any editing of typos, adding of HTML tags, etc. It is entirely possible the reader may find some of this offensive.

Deal with it. I was pretty damned offended by what was done to my fellow citizens and my country.

==============================================

JUSTICE FOR THE WORLD TRADE CENTER ATTACK
09/14/01

There’s been much speechifying by public officials in NYC and D.C. this week about rebuilding the WTC. I’m all for building one that’s bigger and badder than the one destroyed by barbarians. (JPEG of a possible design attached.)

The parapets of the tallest tower(s) should be lined with life-sized statues of men, women and children of all ethnicities to represent the victims (who are from all over the globe), and the American people.

Each statue faces outward with one arm extended, giving the finger to all enemies of civilized behavior. A noble monument to the fact that if you piss-off the generally fun-loving American people sufficiently, bad shit is rather likely to happen. (It’s been about sixty years since the Imperial Japanese and the Nazis lived to regret it.)

Assuming we can capture, extradite, convict and sentence them to death, the responsible parties should be held in prison until the opening day of the new WTC.

To cap the grand opening festivities of the new and improved (not to mention several stories taller) World Trade Center, Habib, Yusef, Mustafah, Sirhan, Maroun and all their buddies will be brought to the roof of the tallest tower.

First, they will be force-fed a last meal of boiled chitlins. *Not* fried, boiled. To be washed down with MD 20-20 or Coors. .

"Hey, Achmed...enjoying that chewy, rubbery, swine's shit-pipe? It's okay...if the booze doesn’t kill the taste, the impact will. And now that you’re ‘unclean’, may you rot in hell, you cowardly, goat’s-eyeball-and-gum-eating, demitasse-coffee-swilling, camel-sodomizing, pull-start bastard.”

Achmed will then be placed in a harness which is attached to a release cable slung from a long boom arm. He will be hoisted up just far enough to clear the parapet, and the boom will rotate so that Achmed is dangling over the Plaza (perhaps) 125 floors below.

The pattern of paving stones in the Plaza consists of a series of concentric circles in contrasting colors, resembling nothing so much (when seen from that height) as a large target.

Then it’s merely a matter of adjusting for such things as windage, size of turban or keffiyeh (burnoose), likely air resistance of billowing robes, possible aerodynamic effect of slippers with long curling toes, odd vortices caused by big moustaches and/or long beards, etc.

And pressing the cable release button. After which, mother nature will assist with a little 32.2 feet-per-second-squared acceleration.

Perhaps lottery tickets could be sold for the privilege of offing one of these heroes, with the proceeds going to help defray the cost of rebuilding the WTC.

Or some sort of quiz show (hosted by Regis Philbin?) featuring increasingly challenging questions about Arab culture.

“Traditionally, many Arab lunatics enjoy raping: A) prepubescent boys, B) prepubescent girls, C) goats, or, D) all of the above.”

Possible variations:

1) Assuming the new WTC has *two* large towers, place a catapult or trebuchet on both and launch these sub-human poltroons in pairs (one from each tower), attempting to cause a mid-air collision before they plummet. It might be amusing to see if they try to climb up one another as they fall, like cartoon characters. Just to be sporting, maybe we could give them each a dainty little parasol from a tropical drink.

2) Dress the condemned in traditional robes and catapult them from the roof. If they are able to glide their way (ala Rocky the Flying Squirrel) to a splatting bullseye, we’ll call it “even Steven”. If they miss the center of the target, we will hunt down and kill EACH AND EVERY MEMBER OF THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY. In creative and cruel ways, of course. (This could also provide gainful future employment for Nazi hunters, as the few remaining Nazis are dying off as fast as our WWII vets.)

3) Launch them via catapult, but with the addition of little prayer rugs (replete with fringe) to see if any of them know how to fly a fuckin’ carpet. While an announcer (parodying a frightened Air Traffic Controller) says stuff like, “Egypt Air Carpet two four three, you’re descending too quickly! Egypt Air Carpet two four three pull up! Pull up!” “Dumb shit! Oh well...Air Achmed five seven, you are cleared for takeoff...”

And, of course, we’d turn the whole shebang into a reality series tentatively entitled “Splat!” (I’m sure the staff of the recently-canceled “MTV’s Jackass” would be glad of the work.)

The condemned would be equipped with the “SplatCam™”, so that we could enjoy the last seconds of their miserable, inconsequential, worthless lives (with translators standing by, natch). Just imagine the wonderful multicultural education we’ll receive; by the time they’ve all been disposed of, most of us will have learned phrases like “holy shit!” and “oh, FUCK!” in Arabic. Preferably by the pleasant expedient of obsessively (and joyously) watching reruns of the video highlights.

“Tonight, on America’s Funniest Execution Videos...” (Quick...get me Rupert Murdoch on the blower...)

I await the delightful experience of watching some of those unwashed, cous-cous-and-date eating, sandal-wearing bastards staining both the front *and* back of their striped robes in terror as they watch a JumboTron display of the SplatCam strapped to their very-soon-to be-former associate Ali.

I would also surmise that there’d be a *huge* live crowd...in the hundreds of thousands or larger. They should be encouraged to ululate en masse as each raghead takes their “final exam” in Newtonian physics.

[For those of you who don’t know what “ululating” is, it’s the traditional Arabic noise that sounds rather like the result of screaming in a falsetto voice whilst performing vigorous cunnilingus or analingus.]

I’d imagine the collective sound would be nothing less than hilarious. As a matter of fact, I may try to enlist some of my more twisted friends to assist in recording a few tracks into ProTools and then manipulating them into the sound of a large crowd. If it’s *half* as funny sounding as I anticipate, I’ll post it to the web.

Lastly, their remains should be left in-place for a week and visitors encouraged to creatively defile them. (Calling all performance artists and necrophiliacs!) The NYPD will temporarily ignore laws regarding indecent exposure, public urination, defecation, spitting, etc. in the immediate vicinity.

At the end of seven days, the entire mess should be scraped from the pavement and fed to pigs. The pigs will then be slaughtered, and the carcasses delivered to PETA headquarters in a non-refrigerated (and *very* slow-moving) truck. (What the fuck...I hate PETA, too.)

Islamic “justice”, American-style. Not that I’m the vengeful sort...

Given that there will likely be some serious, long-term financial repercussions for the entire world, merchandising possibilities will aid the global financial recovery by creating tens-of thousands of new jobs. As well as bountiful opportunities for entrepreneurs all across the planet.

Package tours to the event. Pay-per-view. Broadcast. Re-broadcast. Trading cards. T-shirts (“...the juiciest plum of all!” - Krusty the Klown). Video. DVDs. Video games. Books. Feature films. Documentaries. Screen savers. Collectible dishes. Commemorative coin and stamp series. Lunchboxes. Fridge magnets. Mouse pads. Pasta products. Magazines. Fruit Rollups. An animated series. Action figures. Plush toys.

You get the idea.

Appendix A: If this is war, it may explain why the Grim Repo Man spared Bob Hope last week. He’ll be off on “The Road To Kabbul”.

Appendix B: What are the odds of prosecuting and convicting Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson for treason? (“Where’s your beloved Jeebus NOW?”) If found guilty, they’d also be sentenced to death. In which case, they could be a warm-up act, clad in cheesy cardboard angel wings and floppy aluminum foil halos.

DHD music poll

2006-08-30T09:14:00.000-05:00

I'd be happy to spend some time writing and performing a brief piece of orchestral music for DHDer's amusement if there is sufficient interest. It would use the musical motif D-E-B-F, and be written in the Phrygian (aka "Phryschian") mode. (Props to SBH for coining the term.)

Please be advised that this would likely take me 7-10 days to complete, due to its time-intensive nature (and the fact that I haven't yet won the Mega Lotto and so must relegate this to a back-burner).

But hey, I like you guys and it would be a fun little project.

Presuming that anybody might like to hear some examples, I'd be happy to share a couple of mp3s if somebody's willing to host them. (I really need to put a website together.) I'm thinking of two pieces which could be "rebranded" to make them DHD-pertinent; one's about 2:20 and the other is 1:00 in length.

Since I'm on the "shameless self-promotion" bandwagon this morning, I also write and produce radio ads. (Earned part of my living for nearly two decades in L.A. thusly.) If any of you work in advertising, I'd be delighted to get you a radio demo reel.

Hokay...I've got a rugged day today, so I probably won't be able to respond to anything until this evening. Feel free to leave your comments, derisive screeds or outright hate mail; I'll see ya''ll this evening (EST) at Sinner & Sulla's place.

After cigars and cigarettes, will giant firecrackers and sledge hammers be next?

2006-08-28T08:10:00.000-05:00

Tuner Broadcasting announced last week that they will bowdlerize their entire catalog of more than 1500 Hanna-Barbera cartoons to remove scenes of smoking.

According to Turner's European spokeswoman Yinka Akindele, the cartoons will be edited "where smoking could be deemed to be cool or glamorized". She further stated that scenes showing a "villain" smoking might not be cut.

Reuters (an organization with no little experience in digitally modifying images) reports that this pussification was prompted by a viewer (singular) complaint to British media regulator Ofcom.

This action was prompted by one lousy complaint, and Turner rolled-over almost before the metaphorical ink on it was dry. Will the copyright owners of other classic animation wuss-out and follow suit?

If so, it's gonna be a field day for computer geeks who are skilled in image manipulation.

On their website, Ofcom says that one of their six specific duties is "Applying adequate protection for audiences against offensive or harmful material."

That's nice and vague. Offensive to whom? Harmful in what way? And what, precisely, constitutes adequate protection? (I so love regulatory bodies with broad mandates.)

Will scenes with exploding cigars be deemed permissible, given they're almost always administered to the "bad guy" in cartoons? Hmmmm...that's a toughie. On one hand, they depict smoking, which we all know is pure, unadulterated evil. On the other hand, they also show consequences for that act such as having one's teeth blown out of one's head, one's face covered with soot and one's hair severely ruffled.

In extreme instances, a detonating stogie can even cause one's entire body to fracture like safety glass and crumble into a little pile of debris replete with eyes that blink while making xylophone noises.

What type of cartoon scenes will be found "harmful" or "offensive" next?

Firearms discharged directly into the faces of protagonists. Giant sledge hammers crushing them into accordian-folded lumps (which waddle off-screen to the sound of wheezing bellows). Mice shaving cats' backs with careening, out-of-control power mowers.

Painting fake tunnels onto cliff faces in order to lure the pursuit to their demise. (Because if the initial impact doesn't get them, the speeding train emerging from the faux tunnel will.) Giant firecrackers, dynamite sticks and spherical black bombs. Woodpeckers wreaking avian mayhem on characters' skulls. Car crashes. Train wrecks. Characters plummeting from tall buildings and cliffs. Fisticuffs.

It's a nearly endless list, as horrific violence has been an integral part of cartoons almost since their inception. And, of course, we must protect the children from the depravity that is classic animation.

I doubt they'll stop there. What about stuff like characters whose tongues unroll and eyeballs bulge to the accompaniment of old automobile horns, sirens and fire truck bells when they see an attractive female character? Surely that must be offensive to feminists.

Pretty soon, cartoons will be aired with little more than the opening credits, the establishing shot, a series of nonsensical, chopped-up scenes and the ending.

Unless the hero is smoking a celebratory cigar.

Murderous, masked nocturnal carnivores terrorize Olympia, WA!

2006-08-23T16:55:00.000-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060823/ap_on_fe_st/rampaging_raccoons

Tue Aug 22, 9:04 PM ET - AP

A fierce group of raccoons has killed 10 cats, attacked a small dog and bitten at least one pet owner who had to get rabies shots, residents of Olympia say.

[Now that they've had a taste of human flesh, I'd say folks in Olympia are in deep voodoo. Next thing you know, they'll be developing a taste for brains...braaaiiinnns.]

Some have taken to carrying pepper spray to ward off the masked marauders and the woman who was bitten now carries an iron pipe when she goes outside at night.

"It's a new breed," said Tamara Keeton, who with Kari Hall started a raccoon watch after an emotional neighborhood meeting drew 40 people. "They're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid."

[What makes them "urban raccoons"? Are they wearing baggy pants with their boxers hanging out in the back? Carrying sharpened screwdrivers, Glock 9mm's and Mac-10s? Wearing dewrags, smoking blunts and imbibing Olde English 800? Sounds like racism to me; particularly given that "coons" is 5/8 of "raccoons"]

Tony Benjamins, whose family lost two cats, said he got a big dog — a German Shepherd-Rottweiler mix — to keep the raccoons away.

[That's the same kind of dogs the Nazis used. Ergo, RACISM!]

One goal of the patrol is to get residents to stop feeding raccoons and to keep pets and pet food indoors.

[People of Olympia: Stop feeding your cats...to the raccoons.]

Lisann Rolle said she began carrying an iron pipe when she goes outside at night after being bitten by raccoons when she tried to pull three of them off her cat Lucy. She obtained rabies shots afterward as a precaution.

"I was watching her like a hawk, but she snuck out," Rolle said. "Then I heard this hideous sound — a coyote-type high pitch ... It was vicious. They were focused on ripping her apart."

[Even though I'm not much of a "cat person", this is actually pretty horrible.]

The attacks have been especially shocking because raccoons came within five feet (1 1/2 meters) of cats without any problem in previous years, Benjamins said.

"We used to love the raccoons. They'd have their babies this time of year, and they were so cute. Even though we lived in the city, it was neat to have wildlife around," he said, "but this year, things changed. They went nuts."

[Is it possible this particular group of raccoons have converted to Islam since last year? I'm just sayin'...]

In one case five raccoons tried to carry off a small dog, which managed to survive.

The attacks, all within a three-block area near the Garfield Nature Trail in Olympia, are highly unusual, said Sean O. Carrell, a problem wildlife coordinator with the state Department of Fish and Wildlife, adding that trappers may be summoned from the U.S. Department of Agriculture to remove problem animals.

[Why would they need help from the Feds? Oh...because Mr. Carrell's a coordinator, as opposed to someone who might actually take action and fix the damned problem. Sheesh, we're talking about three square blocks; is this really a job for the National Guard or FEMA?

Hmmm...perhaps so, if Mr. Carrell's job is to coordinate the attacks. (Read his complete job title again.)]

"I've never heard a report of 10 cats being killed. It's something we're going to have to monitor," Carrell said.

[Spoken like a true bureaucratic asshat. We have a simple problem with an equally simple solution. Instead, we're going to "monitor" things, so that we can "explore" the "feasibility" of obtaining "funding" for a "study" which will be "forwarded" to a "committee" for "recommendations". Meanwhile, the raccoons will be feasting on every non-raccoonish mammal in the area, multiplying and expanding their foraging area.

I've a much simpler resolution to the whole problem: force-feed Mr. Carrell about ten pounds of Warfarin™ and then deliver his cadaver to the raccoons. Neat, tidy, and gets rid of several pesky vermin in one fell swoop.]

Meanwhile, residents have hired Tom Brown, a nuisance wildlife control operator from Rochester, Washington, to set traps, but in six weeks he has caught only one raccoon. He and Carrell said raccoons teach their young — and each other — to avoid traps.

[I'd bet the raccoons would have somewhat less success teaching one another to avoid friggin' shotguns. But hey, that's just me.]

Brown said he had seen packs of raccoons this big but none so into killing.

[Let's see...the so-called "killer bees" are also described as "Africanized"...and these are "killer raccoons", which means they may...RACISM!]

"They are in command up there," he said.

[Jeebus...that's your problem right there, Sparky. Quit your hand-wringing and shoot the little bastards. Make like the Raid™ can and kill them dead, dead, DEAD! Why is this so difficult to figure out?]

Sarcaustic snarcasm

2006-08-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

While I still haven't decided precisely upon the focus of this blog, I hope that it will be, in large part, a repository - as well as a modest hub - for mean-spirited humor and mordant social criticism.

And those who love it.

As such, I'd be remiss in not providing linkage to Don't Hire Deb, a delightful little subculture of well-deserved cruelty toward a singularly worthy individual.

The object of enmity there is one Dr. Deb Frisch, an admitted extreme leftist, astoundingly self-destructive former academic (or, to use a term coined by Reinhold Aman, "cacademic") and internet stalker now in possession of a restraining order against her for threatening the 2-year-old son of another blogger.

Rather than post a detailed synopsis of our heroine's misadventures, I heartily encourage you to click over to DHD, where you'll find a complete history of her online lunacy and depravity, along with some truly fine (if viciously acerbic) commentary.

It's been a pleasant surprise to discover that several of the DHD regulars are folks I'd likely enjoy interacting with in meatspace. (Which is startling, given my generally dim view of humanity.)

And if you happen across any news items such as the one in my inaugural post about a new Mumbai restaurant named "Hitler's Cross", I'd be appreciative of a heads-up. (Grist for the mill, and all that.)

Welcome, DHDers (and fellow travelers); come on in...the water's fetid!

Would you like "arbeit macht fries" with that?

2006-08-21T13:38:00.000-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060821/od_nm/india_hitler_dc_2

It's like if "The Producers" opened an eatery
By Krittivas Mukherjee
Mon Aug 21, 8:43 AM ET

[If it was like "The Producers", this would be funny instead of fookin' diseased. - Ed.]

A new restaurant in India's financial hub, named after Adolf Hitler and promoted with posters showing the German leader and Nazi swastikas, has infuriated the country's small Jewish community.

'Hitler's Cross', which opened last week, serves up a wide range of continental fare and a big helping of controversy, thanks to a name the owners say they chose to stand out among hundreds of Mumbai eateries.

[I'm sure it's very difficult when you're competing for business in a market where the average customer makes about $400 per year.]

"We wanted to be different. This is one name that will stay in people's minds," owner Punit Shablok told Reuters.

[Absolutely. Wouldn't want consumers to confuse it with, say "Alfred Packer's Snack Shack", "Stalin's Cup O' Joe", "Dahmer's Weenie Hut" or "Farmer Gein's Nose Kabobs & Haberdashery".]

"We are not promoting Hitler. But we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different."

[You mean you have a silly moustache and only one testicle?]

But India's remaining Jews -- most migrated to Israel and the West over the years -- say they are outraged by the gimmick.

"This signifies a severe lack of awareness of the agony of millions of Jews caused by one man," said Jonathan Solomon, chairman of the Indian Jewish Federation, the community's umbrella organization.

"We are going to stop this deification of Hitler," he said without elaborating.

[Actually, I think it would be more likely to qualify as deification if the restaurant was named "Hitler On The Cross".]

The small restaurant, its interior done out in the Nazi colors of red, white and black, also has a lounge for smoking the exotic Indian water pipe or "hookah."

[Makes perfectly good sense, seeing how Adolph was such a tobacco-friendly kind of guy.]

Posters line the road leading up to it, featuring a red swastika carved in the name of the eatery. One slogan reads: "From Small Bites to Mega Joys."

[French tourists were seen gazing adoringly at the posters as they, too, lined the road.]

A huge portrait of a stern-looking Fuehrer greets visitors at the door. The cross in the restaurant's name refers to the swastika that symbolized the Nazi regime.

[I suppose a happy Hilter portrait might discourage walk-in customers. One also ponders whether their "Aprés" menu features a photo of Hitler's cadaver slumped over his desk in the bunker.]

"This place is not about wars or crimes, but where people come to relax and enjoy a meal," said restaurant manager Fatima Kabani, adding that they were planning to turn the eatery's name into a brand with more branches in Mumbai.

[What a surprise the manager's name is "Fatima". And I'm a bit apprehensive about these people branding anything.

I wonder if the portions are as generous as those served to my family members while they were "relaxing" as guests in one of Mr. Hitler's retreats?

According to Ms. Kabani, larger portions may be requested by asking your server to "Capo-Size It".]

The swastika has its roots in ancient Indian Hindu tradition and remains a sacred symbol for Hindus. Nazi theorists appropriated it to bolster their central hypothesis of the Aryan origins of the German people.

[The preceding sentence makes absolutely no sense.

According to Executive Chef Ravi Schickelgrüber, "I'm only following, erm, filling orders".]