Saturday, March 31, 2007

Time Warner Cable: The Power of Fuck You!

Dear Tertiary Syphilis Victims Time Warner Cable:

Two months ago, you jacked-up my rates about 8% claiming you needed to cover your costs. Hey...if you couldn't afford to buy the local franchise from Adelphia, then you should have let another company do so. (Although I'm sure you assisted matters by greasing the City of Cleveland Heights; it's been sad to see officials of the 'burb where I grew up become as greedy and venal as they evidently have during my twenty six years in California.)

At any rate, I've got a fabulous win-win suggestion to save you money, which you can then pass on to me by reducing my rates, probably to below what they were two months ago.

Take me off of your fucking obnoxious mailing list!

Quite literally not a single week goes by without me getting at least one very expensive mailer for all of the fabulous services you offer in addition to my extended basic cable service.

I am hereby informing you that I'm completely aware you offer high-speed internet, video on-demand, Showtime, HBO, Starz, digital cable, HD programming, DVRs, music channels and much, much more.

And whenever you have unsold advertising on strictly cable channels, you run your frigging promos, which are poorly written and produced, but vastly better than Adelphia's promos were. (With the possible exception of the one for your internet service featuring a happy little latin jazz piano riff and a bunch of people repeatedly saying "Aaaaaaaw...BEEP BEEP!". I'd enjoy ten uninturrupted minutes in a locked room with the producer of that spot and a two-by-four. "The. *Thwack!* Roadrunner. *Thwack!* Said. *Thwack!* 'MEEP!' *Thwack!* Not. *Thwack!* 'Beep!'")

I'm not a moron...if I wanted any of those services, I'd pick-up the goddamned telephone and order them from you! It's not like it's difficult for anyone of even average intelligence to find your fucking telephone number.

So do me a favor: quit sending me ads for shit I'm not even remotely interested in and reduce my rates instead. You'll save on printing and postage. There will be less garbage for my trash hauler to carry away, which will save on fuel and landfill space. And reduced work for my abysmal mail carrier (who is totally incapable of placing magazines in my large mailbox without tearing one of the covers half off; fuck you, too!).

Sincerely yours,

F. Arbuckle
Disgruntled Customer