Murderous, masked nocturnal carnivores terrorize Olympia, WA!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060823/ap_on_fe_st/rampaging_raccoons
Tue Aug 22, 9:04 PM ET - AP
A fierce group of raccoons has killed 10 cats, attacked a small dog and bitten at least one pet owner who had to get rabies shots, residents of Olympia say.
[Now that they've had a taste of human flesh, I'd say folks in Olympia are in deep voodoo. Next thing you know, they'll be developing a taste for brains...braaaiiinnns.]
Some have taken to carrying pepper spray to ward off the masked marauders and the woman who was bitten now carries an iron pipe when she goes outside at night.
"It's a new breed," said Tamara Keeton, who with Kari Hall started a raccoon watch after an emotional neighborhood meeting drew 40 people. "They're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid."
[What makes them "urban raccoons"? Are they wearing baggy pants with their boxers hanging out in the back? Carrying sharpened screwdrivers, Glock 9mm's and Mac-10s? Wearing dewrags, smoking blunts and imbibing Olde English 800? Sounds like racism to me; particularly given that "coons" is 5/8 of "raccoons"]
Tony Benjamins, whose family lost two cats, said he got a big dog — a German Shepherd-Rottweiler mix — to keep the raccoons away.
[That's the same kind of dogs the Nazis used. Ergo, RACISM!]
One goal of the patrol is to get residents to stop feeding raccoons and to keep pets and pet food indoors.
[People of Olympia: Stop feeding your cats...to the raccoons.]
Lisann Rolle said she began carrying an iron pipe when she goes outside at night after being bitten by raccoons when she tried to pull three of them off her cat Lucy. She obtained rabies shots afterward as a precaution.
"I was watching her like a hawk, but she snuck out," Rolle said. "Then I heard this hideous sound — a coyote-type high pitch ... It was vicious. They were focused on ripping her apart."
[Even though I'm not much of a "cat person", this is actually pretty horrible.]
The attacks have been especially shocking because raccoons came within five feet (1 1/2 meters) of cats without any problem in previous years, Benjamins said.
"We used to love the raccoons. They'd have their babies this time of year, and they were so cute. Even though we lived in the city, it was neat to have wildlife around," he said, "but this year, things changed. They went nuts."
[Is it possible this particular group of raccoons have converted to Islam since last year? I'm just sayin'...]
In one case five raccoons tried to carry off a small dog, which managed to survive.
The attacks, all within a three-block area near the Garfield Nature Trail in Olympia, are highly unusual, said Sean O. Carrell, a problem wildlife coordinator with the state Department of Fish and Wildlife, adding that trappers may be summoned from the U.S. Department of Agriculture to remove problem animals.
[Why would they need help from the Feds? Oh...because Mr. Carrell's a coordinator, as opposed to someone who might actually take action and fix the damned problem. Sheesh, we're talking about three square blocks; is this really a job for the National Guard or FEMA?
Hmmm...perhaps so, if Mr. Carrell's job is to coordinate the attacks. (Read his complete job title again.)]
"I've never heard a report of 10 cats being killed. It's something we're going to have to monitor," Carrell said.
[Spoken like a true bureaucratic asshat. We have a simple problem with an equally simple solution. Instead, we're going to "monitor" things, so that we can "explore" the "feasibility" of obtaining "funding" for a "study" which will be "forwarded" to a "committee" for "recommendations". Meanwhile, the raccoons will be feasting on every non-raccoonish mammal in the area, multiplying and expanding their foraging area.
I've a much simpler resolution to the whole problem: force-feed Mr. Carrell about ten pounds of Warfarin™ and then deliver his cadaver to the raccoons. Neat, tidy, and gets rid of several pesky vermin in one fell swoop.]
Meanwhile, residents have hired Tom Brown, a nuisance wildlife control operator from Rochester, Washington, to set traps, but in six weeks he has caught only one raccoon. He and Carrell said raccoons teach their young — and each other — to avoid traps.
[I'd bet the raccoons would have somewhat less success teaching one another to avoid friggin' shotguns. But hey, that's just me.]
Brown said he had seen packs of raccoons this big but none so into killing.
[Let's see...the so-called "killer bees" are also described as "Africanized"...and these are "killer raccoons", which means they may...RACISM!]
"They are in command up there," he said.
[Jeebus...that's your problem right there, Sparky. Quit your hand-wringing and shoot the little bastards. Make like the Raid™ can and kill them dead, dead, DEAD! Why is this so difficult to figure out?]
Tue Aug 22, 9:04 PM ET - AP
A fierce group of raccoons has killed 10 cats, attacked a small dog and bitten at least one pet owner who had to get rabies shots, residents of Olympia say.
[Now that they've had a taste of human flesh, I'd say folks in Olympia are in deep voodoo. Next thing you know, they'll be developing a taste for brains...braaaiiinnns.]
Some have taken to carrying pepper spray to ward off the masked marauders and the woman who was bitten now carries an iron pipe when she goes outside at night.
"It's a new breed," said Tamara Keeton, who with Kari Hall started a raccoon watch after an emotional neighborhood meeting drew 40 people. "They're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid."
[What makes them "urban raccoons"? Are they wearing baggy pants with their boxers hanging out in the back? Carrying sharpened screwdrivers, Glock 9mm's and Mac-10s? Wearing dewrags, smoking blunts and imbibing Olde English 800? Sounds like racism to me; particularly given that "coons" is 5/8 of "raccoons"]
Tony Benjamins, whose family lost two cats, said he got a big dog — a German Shepherd-Rottweiler mix — to keep the raccoons away.
[That's the same kind of dogs the Nazis used. Ergo, RACISM!]
One goal of the patrol is to get residents to stop feeding raccoons and to keep pets and pet food indoors.
[People of Olympia: Stop feeding your cats...to the raccoons.]
Lisann Rolle said she began carrying an iron pipe when she goes outside at night after being bitten by raccoons when she tried to pull three of them off her cat Lucy. She obtained rabies shots afterward as a precaution.
"I was watching her like a hawk, but she snuck out," Rolle said. "Then I heard this hideous sound — a coyote-type high pitch ... It was vicious. They were focused on ripping her apart."
[Even though I'm not much of a "cat person", this is actually pretty horrible.]
The attacks have been especially shocking because raccoons came within five feet (1 1/2 meters) of cats without any problem in previous years, Benjamins said.
"We used to love the raccoons. They'd have their babies this time of year, and they were so cute. Even though we lived in the city, it was neat to have wildlife around," he said, "but this year, things changed. They went nuts."
[Is it possible this particular group of raccoons have converted to Islam since last year? I'm just sayin'...]
In one case five raccoons tried to carry off a small dog, which managed to survive.
The attacks, all within a three-block area near the Garfield Nature Trail in Olympia, are highly unusual, said Sean O. Carrell, a problem wildlife coordinator with the state Department of Fish and Wildlife, adding that trappers may be summoned from the U.S. Department of Agriculture to remove problem animals.
[Why would they need help from the Feds? Oh...because Mr. Carrell's a coordinator, as opposed to someone who might actually take action and fix the damned problem. Sheesh, we're talking about three square blocks; is this really a job for the National Guard or FEMA?
Hmmm...perhaps so, if Mr. Carrell's job is to coordinate the attacks. (Read his complete job title again.)]
"I've never heard a report of 10 cats being killed. It's something we're going to have to monitor," Carrell said.
[Spoken like a true bureaucratic asshat. We have a simple problem with an equally simple solution. Instead, we're going to "monitor" things, so that we can "explore" the "feasibility" of obtaining "funding" for a "study" which will be "forwarded" to a "committee" for "recommendations". Meanwhile, the raccoons will be feasting on every non-raccoonish mammal in the area, multiplying and expanding their foraging area.
I've a much simpler resolution to the whole problem: force-feed Mr. Carrell about ten pounds of Warfarin™ and then deliver his cadaver to the raccoons. Neat, tidy, and gets rid of several pesky vermin in one fell swoop.]
Meanwhile, residents have hired Tom Brown, a nuisance wildlife control operator from Rochester, Washington, to set traps, but in six weeks he has caught only one raccoon. He and Carrell said raccoons teach their young — and each other — to avoid traps.
[I'd bet the raccoons would have somewhat less success teaching one another to avoid friggin' shotguns. But hey, that's just me.]
Brown said he had seen packs of raccoons this big but none so into killing.
[Let's see...the so-called "killer bees" are also described as "Africanized"...and these are "killer raccoons", which means they may...RACISM!]
"They are in command up there," he said.
[Jeebus...that's your problem right there, Sparky. Quit your hand-wringing and shoot the little bastards. Make like the Raid™ can and kill them dead, dead, DEAD! Why is this so difficult to figure out?]
posted by Fatwa Arbuckle at 4:55 PM
3 Comments:
BWAHAHA
I love the Islamic raccoons.
You are sooooo funny!
Thanks, rabbit!
I'd originally registered simply to post at DHD and then figured maybe I could entertain and/or enrage a few folks every now and again.
I haven't been doing a lot of copywriting lately; thought this might force me to do something a little more creative every day (or two) and help keep my chops up.
It's hard to know who to root for here. On the one hand, everyone knows that cats are the minor spawn of Satan. On the other hand, Islamic raccoons.
Post a Comment
<< Home