Michelle Obama's Tainted Garden

While it would be just like me to use a metaphor as a title for a post, this time it's quite literal. Not to mention schadenfreudelicious:

Madame Il Douchey serves lead-contaminated White House-grown produce to school children, women in a homeless shelter and visiting dignitaries!!1! Uses child labor in deadly garden!!1!!!

It was meant to be a show case for healthy living, with the first lady, Michelle Obama, personally putting hand to pitch fork in a crowd of school children to dig up the first White House vegetable garden in more than 50 years.

Nothing like preparing the kiddies for what life's gonna be like after this administration and Congress totally tank our economy.

Instead, an embarrassed White House admitted today that the plot - whose lettuce, herbs and other produce have been consumed by the first family, visiting dignitaries, local school children and a women's homeless shelter - had tested positive for elevated levels of lead.

Good thing that the new consumer laws for produce haven't gone into effect yet, else Mrs. Ogabe would be liable for quite a hefty fine, not to mention other punishments.

But even though lead levels in the first garden are far below that danger zone, the disclosure is awkward for a White House which has made prominent use of the vegetable garden to define Michelle Obama's role as First Lady,and to encourage sensible eating habits in children.

Yes, boys and girls...there's nothing like a heapin' helpin' of tummy-tempting lead. Like you can get from gnawing on your crappy Chinese-made toys or from the First Lady's own garden. Nom, nom, nom!

Children are expecially vulnerable to exposure to lead, which can cause neurological and kidney damage, and stunt their growth.

Which means they'll leave a smaller "carbon footprint" on poor Mother Gaia, who reportedly has one foot in the grave already.

The vegetable garden was an important symbolic break with the George Bush presidency, and it became a cause for environmentalists and the organic food movement in America who had urged the Obamas to use the White House to set an example of healthy eating.

Because George W. Bush hates vegetables, just like he hates swarthy people. (Remember, he's a Nazi who was going to take away all of our rights after declaring himself "president for life" before proceeding to nuke the entire planet. Because Rove told him to.)

Michelle Obama invited dozens of 10- and 11-year olds from a state elementary school in a transitional neighbourhood of Washington to the White House last March to help her dig up a 1,100 square foot plot of land near her daughters' swing set. Photographers were let in to take pictures of her kneeling in the dirt and wielding garden tools.

Photographers swooned in ecstasy as they were permitted to take pictures of Michelle's fabulous, world-class arms.

Funny how when Dubya was photographed clearing brush on his ranch in Texas, that was a photo-op demonstrating phony machismo, but when Michelle poses alongside child stoop-laborers she's "setting an example".

The school children were invited back to tend the plot and just two weeks ago to bring in the first harvest: 73 lbs of lettuce, 12 lbs of snap peas and one cucumber. Obama and the children then trooped into the White House kitchen to wash lettuce and shell and cook the peas for lunch, which they ate outside on red and white checked tablecloths.

Why do you hate children, homeless women and foreigners, Mrs. Obama?

Obama "does" Wall Street (and us)

According to Fox News today:

Wall Street is not going to play as dominant a role in the economy as regulations reduce "some of the massive leveraging and the massive risk-taking that had become so common," President Barack Obama says.

So our president, who has never had a single fucking job in the private sector, plans to permanently kneecap our economy. Given that he's a Cook County thug, I ought not be too surprised.

He also wants to see us headed toward "central planning":

"That means that more talent, more resources will be going to other sectors of the economy," he said. "I actually think that's healthy. We don't want every single college grad with mathematical aptitude to become a derivatives trader. We want some of them to go into engineering, and we want some of them to be going into computer design."

No, "we" sure as bloody fookin' hell wouldn't want Americans to pursue whatever career that they, as free individuals under our Constitution, wish to pursue. "We" definitely cannot allow Americans to pursue life, liberty and happiness which isn't mandated by the state. Because that wouldn't be "healthy".

Up yours, you goddamned half-honky, socialist piece of shit. You are clearly too ignorant to comprehend your oath of office, to which your above statement is absolutely antithetical.

The Obama administration is trying to restore more regulations on the financial sector to avoid some of the risk-taking that helped cause the current economic problems.

You mean the risk-taking which has made us the most prosperous and successful nation in all of human history? Or the "risk-taking" which atrocious government policies like the Community Reinvestment Act (not to mention strong-arming of lenders by community activists like yourself) actually mandated?

You also demanded and enabled policies which forced banks to loan money to poor credit risks, which led in large part to the financial disaster of last year. How'd that work out for you, Barry?

And now you think that even more government intrusion will make things better? As G.B. Shaw wrote in Pygmalion, "E's off 'is chump, 'e is!".

"Wall Street will remain a big, important part of our economy, just as it was in the '70s and the '80s," he said. "It just won't be half of our economy."

Unfortunately, that's the half of our economy which more than 50% of Americans were invested in through such things as pension plans, 401(k)s, etc. And lost their asses to the tunes of trillions of dollars in value. Much of that on your watch, bucko.

Obama said he expects that government efforts to fix the economy will cause long-term changes.

No shit, Poindexter.

"What I think will change, what I think was an aberration, was a situation where corporate profits in the financial sector were such a heavy part of our overall profitability over the last decade," he said.

Well, ain't gonna be so profitable now, is it? "Mission accomplished!", bub.

Obama said he's confident that people will regain trust and confidence in the financial system, but he believes it will take time.

Yup...at least long enough to throw this bum out of office and relegate his administration to the ash heap of history.

"I think it's important to understand that some of that wealth was illusory in the first place," he said.

As is your belief in your own competence, pally.

Lawrenceville as a Tourist Destination!

I see in this morning's AJC that Gwinnett County will be opening a new Welcome Center for tourism and trade right here in beautiful downtown Larryville.

Jay Markwalter, executive director of the association, said the opening of the center is another piece in the city’s downtown revitalization efforts “to market Lawrenceville as a destination.” Plans also call for housing the city’s tourism and trade association’s offices there.

Now I'm all for encouraging tourists to, in the words of C. Montgomery Burns, "scurry in, empty their pockets and scuttle out". But we need to provide marks visitors with an incentive to come here. And part of that involves creating a "unique brand indentity" (as marketing folks like to say).

So what's unique about Larryville?

Well...there are numerous Civil War War Between the States sites which are potentially of interest to suckers guests, but Larryville isn't alone in that regard 'round these parts. And let's face it...the whole reenactment schtick has been done to, erm, death elsewhere.

While I'm not well-versed in the history of the area, there's one event for which Larryville is fairly well known on the national stage: the attempted murder of Larry Flynt on March 6, 1978. So my plan is to market our town as the "Attempted Assassination of Pornographers Capitol of America", given that he was shot near the courthouse right smack in the middle of town.

The confessed shooter was one Joseph Paul Franklin, who was born James Clayton Vaughan in Mobile, AL. He claimed that he was motivated to shoot Flynt because he was outraged over an interracial pictorial in "Hustler" magazine. According to Wikipedia:

In 1976 he changed his name to Joseph Paul Franklin. He selected Joseph Paul in honor of Paul Joseph Goebbels and Franklin after Benjamin Franklin.

As early as high school he had become very interested first in Evangelical Christianity, then Nazism and later held memberships in both the American Nazi Party and the Ku Klux Klan.

Franklin was a drifter, roaming up and down the East Coast, always looking for chances to "cleanse the world" of people he considered inferior, especially blacks and Jews.

Franklin's level of violence continuously escalated; before he committed his first known murder, he fire-bombed a synagogue and sprayed mace at a racially mixed couple. Starting in 1977, he went on a continual murder spree, supporting himself by robbing banks. He admitted his racist ideology; God, he said, wanted him to start a race war.

Franklin killed at random, and may have begun in Madison, Wisconsin. His target of choice were mixed-race couples, which he called "MRCs." In interviews, he explained that he planned the murders and his exit in advance, often changing his hair style and color, as well as changing clothes and vehicles often. He would listen to a police scanner during his escapes.

On one occasion, he threatened to kill President Jimmy Carter for his pro-civil rights views. He had also intended to shoot Jesse Jackson, but Jackson's security detail made an assassination attempt impossible; he changed his target to Vernon Jordan.

So how does all of the above present marketing and merchandising opportunities for Lawrenceville? In no particular order:

1) A daily courthouse tour culminating in a reenactment of the Flynt shooting. Local merchants could sell a variety of cheap souvenir pennants so that folks could root for Flynt, Franklin or neither.

2) Instead of renting Segways to tourists, we can rent them powered wheelchairs. These could also be used by visitors to participate in races, obstacle courses, etc. for cheesy souvenir prizes.

3) A combination Jim Crow/Holocaust museum and gift shop. (Which should, along with my status as the son of a Holocaust survivor, attract the "New York money men".)

4) Another gift shop selling memorabilia such as DVDs of "Falwell v. Flynt", Rodney A. Smolla's book Jerry Falwell v. Larry Flynt: The First Amendment on Trial (which is actually an excellent tome re the legal aspects of the case) and featuring replica copies of the "Hustler" issue which precipitated the entire event.

For an additional fee, tourists could purchase copies of the above autographed by Franklin, Flynt or both. (Not so sadly, Falwell's no longer available to sign copies of the book.)

5) A Hustler Lingerie shop.

6) (As suggested by an anonymous local hott redhead): A "dunk tank" featuring an actor portraying a paraplegic Flynt.

7) A tasteless carnival-like shooting gallery.

8) T-Shirts, T-Shirts, T-SHIRTS!!! ("The juiciest plum of all" - Krusty the Klown)

9) The opportunity for local eateries and bars to create and sell themed meals and beverages.

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That's just off the top of my head; I'm going to get started working on a formal proposal to the Lawrenceville Tourism and Trade Association later today.

WTH...they can only say "no". (Before running me out of town.)

Hey...I'm just trying to be a helpful citizen; sex and violence always sells! I've merely come up with a way for Larryville to leverage its history to create a unique brand and a one-of-a-kind tourist destination.

A "Thought Experiment"

Imagine that during the period from 04/10-04/15 of this year, taxpayers sent first class letters (not emails, faxes, e-petitions, etc.) to their U.S. Representative, Senators, the heads of key committees (i.e, Ways and Means) and the White House containing a single sheet of paper bearing the following message:

"NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION."
Followed by a "very truly yours" and their signature.

And think about how the collective effect of a large enough number of citizens shelling out a couple of bucks in postage and 10-15 minutes of their time each might be mildly interesting. Possibly even amusing.

Just sayin'...

Time For Jesus To Take Out The Trash!

[From top to bottom: Pope Benedict XVI, Bishop Richard Williamson]

[Yet again, apologies to my Catholic friends; this ain't about you.]

Vatican II is definitely past its sell-by date, since the Pope formerly known as Cardinal Joseph Ratbastard™ has un-excommunicated Holocaust denying bishop Richard Williamson:

Pope Benedict XVI’s rehabilitatation of a British bishop who denies that millions of Jews died in Nazi gas chambers has alarmed Catholics who fear it risks dealing a fatal blow to the inter-faith dialogue promoted by his predecessor.

Over the weekend the Pope issued a decree welcoming back into the Roman Catholic Church Richard Williamson, 68, and three other breakaway bishops excommunicated by John Paul II in 1988. The bishops had been ordained without Vatican permission by the renegade French archbishop Marcel Lefebvre, who rejected the reforms of the Second Vatican Council.

Hmmmm....doesn't sound like "rehabilitation" to me. The Unholy See's just getting back to business as usual: falsely blaming the Joos for killing that extra-special Joo about two millenia ago. (They won't come right out and say it, but that's what this crap's all about.)

Too bad that even with all of his spooky Son O' God powers, Jesus hasn't ever returned again to smite Benedict or his many vile predecessors, not to mention despicable second-stringers like Williamson.

Walking on water or changing it to wine's quite well and good, but I really wish he'd go all moneychanger on the Papal ass.

And quelle surprise that there's a French collaborator in this mess. Plus, as I've previously stated, you can take the Kraut out of the Fatherland, but you just can't take the Fatherland out of the Kraut.

Benedict’s actions are also reviving his old nickname when he was Cardinal Ratzinger — that of the “Panzerkardinal”, known for his hardline conservatism as head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

Well, I suppose they couldn’t very well have called him the *cough* “ZyklonBkardinal” *cough*, since that, er, never happened.

“This is not so much an act of grace as a surrender,” the veteran Vatican watcher Marco Politi said. Benedict wanted a new era of reconciliation, “but the new era has begun with a lie. The Pope has made a openly declared and unshakeable anti-Semite a legitimate Bishop”.

It's a goddamned miracle...a German surrendering to a Frenchman; what an age we live in!

Bishop Williamson, who has said that the Vatican is controlled by Satan and that the Jews are bent on world domination, reiterated in a broadcast last week on Swedish television that the historical evidence was “hugely against six million having been deliberately gassed in gas chambers as a deliberate policy of Adolf Hitler. I believe there were no gas chambers”.

Well then, Bishop...if the Vatican is controlled by Satan and you've just been un-excommunicated, whose minion does that make you, Mr. Smartypants?

I think that someone needs a little exorcism. Or perhaps it's time for his dirt-nap.

Father Federico Lombardi, the papal spokesman, insisted the lifting of the excommunications had “absolutely nothing to do” with Williamson’s views on the Holocaust. “One is not connected to the other,” he said. Vatican Radio said Williamson’s statements had been condemned by other members of the St Pius X fraternity.

That's rather a large load of Holy Shit.

Mainstream Media Takes A Cue From Monica Lewinsky

It's less than a week after Mr. Obama's inauguration, and I'm already weary of the barely-metaphorical schlong-slobbering the media is bestowing upon The One™ and His family.

From the Cleveland Plain Dealer: "A first family that's not only endearing, but is one we can identify with and strive to be"!!

A young, busy, uncommonly traditional family moved into the White House last week, enchanting the nation, inspiring parents and offering a new model of the American family.

Well, okay...if an "uncommonly traditional family" consists of two millionaire ivy league attorneys who were married by a racist anti-semite and who espouse socialism.

Color me less than enthused.

Barack Obama, America's 44th president, arrived with a clan that smacks of an earlier era. Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, are the youngest residents of the Executive Mansion since the Kennedy children -- Carolyn and John John -- romped through the Oval Office in the 1960s.

Given that the allegedly "post-racial" Mr. Obama is demonstrably anything but, I'm highly amused at the statement he "arrived with a clan that smacks of an earlier era". Would that be the "Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) as a young Exalted Cyclops of the Ku Klux Klan" era?

And I loved the heavy-handed reference to the Kennedy kids - Carolyn, an upper class twit who thought she was entitled to a U.S. Senate seat and John-John, an upper class twit who slightly overestimated his piloting abilities.

But where some see an endearing reflection of the traditional nuclear family, others glimpse a household of the future. A family loving and religious, egalitarian and multicultural. With two adorable kids and room for the mother-in-law, the First Family seems to offer something any parent can identify with and strive toward.

Religious? Sure...if you don't mind a religion such as Black Liberation Theology which lionizes idiots like Jeremiah Wright (head pastor of the church Mr. Obama attended for nearly twenty years), who spout racist filth:

"Africans have a different meter, and Africans have a different tonality. Europeans have seven tones, Africans have five. White people clap differently than black people. Africans and African-Americans are right-brained, subject-oriented in their learning style. They have a different way of learning."

Loving? Mr. Obama referred to the white grandmother who raised him as "a typical white person" prior to tossing her into the crowd underneath his bus.

Egalitarian? I guess that's why the Obama girls are attending a tony private school, rather than the failing public schools which are supposed to be perfectly adequate for us proles.

Multicultural? We keep being told that Mr. Obama's is "America's First Black President", an appellation he has been only too glad to accept. But he's actually at least half-white. You can't have it both ways, folks. Was he "black" before the election and "multicultural" now?

I find racial identity politics so damned confusing, as I tend to judge people by their character. Silly me.

(Query: Does this mean that Bill Clinton has become "America's Zeroth Black President"?)

The article continues in a similarly smarmy vein; frankly, I can't bear to snark on any more of it.

Sadly, the drooling adoration has also infected our cousins across the pond, as witness this in The Sunday Times: Michelle Obama: America's Lady Diana?

Michelle Obama’s flair for fashion has captivated Washington and set the hearts of glossy magazine editors aflutter. She has already eclipsed Carla Bruni, the super-model chanteuse and wife of Nicolas Sarkozy, the hyperactive French president. Not since Diana, Princess of Wales, has there been such a glamorous role model at the apex of society.

I would point out that what probably eclipsed Ms. Bruni was actually Mrs. Obama's non-trivial fundament.

Michelle, 45, has a theatrical sense of style, from off-the-rack colourful clothes from J Crew at less than $100 a throw, to pricey designer outfits such as the sparkling lemongrass matching dress and coat that she wore to the inauguration ceremony. But she is determined to carve out a role at the White House that is more than national clothes horse.

Ru Paul also possesses a "theatrical sense of style"; just sayin'...

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That's it...I can't stand any more; GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Pope Benedict XVI Still A Jew-Hating Cocksucker

[Once again, I apologize to my Catholic friends...but your current spiritual leader is an evil bastard.]

Just two weeks after the ambulatory turd formerly known as Joseph Ratzinger had fuck-all to say about an official Vatican statement comparing Gaza to a concentration camp, he's at it again:

The Pope is preparing to cancel the excommunication of four traditionalist Catholic bishops including one who believes the Holocaust never happened and the gas chambers were a myth.

Riiiiight. My then-thirteen-year-old Dad and his family won a fabulous vacation to fucking jazz camp in Zemlin, Yugoslavia where, after a luxurious trip via cattle car, they taught Dad to play his axe - actually more of a hatchet - and, erm, strongly encouraged him to practice...by chopping trees. For about 14 hours a day. Every day.

And he totally dug the mass graves, too, man; he doubled on shovel.

Sure...no Holocaust. It was a motherfuckin' Funocaust! "Bring the whole family! And don't forget to tip your capos; they're working hard to sell you out. Try the cabbage soup!"

Pope Benedict XVI has already signed the decree lifting the excommunication of the four bishops of the ultra-conservative Society of St Pius X, according to well-sourced reports in the Italian press today.

One of the bishops, Richard Williamson, an English former Anglican and graduate of Winchester and Cambridge, gave an interview to Swedish TV this week in which he said: “There were no gas chambers.”

That's true...all the fumes were the result of everyone eating cabbage soup all the time and being crammed three-deep onto shelves in their "cabins". Sadly, camp-goers frequently ignored the "NO SMOKING" signs and, well, shit happens.

However, Bishop Williamson’s statements on the Holocaust and comments he has made endorsing the anti-Semitic forgery the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, threaten to derail the Pope’s plans.

Like an over-loaded cattle car full of happy jazz campers.

Despite the fact that the Protocols are a blood-libel, I'd be very glad to drain both Bishop Williamson and His Assholiness of every venal, foul drop of blood in their bodies and freeze it just on the off-chance we decide to start making "New & Improved" matzoh.

If Benedict XVI goes ahead with lifting the excommunication in spite of Bishop Williamson’s comments, that will in turn wreak havoc on more than 40 years of attempts to rebuild relations with the Jewish community after nearly two millennia of Christian anti-Semitism culminating in the Holocaust.

The Altar-Boy-Buggerer-In-Chief was quoted as saying "Ze last forty-some years vas an aberrrrration mit ze Juden; ve haff a lot uf lost time to make up, ja? Today ze Vatican, TOMORROW ZE VORLD!!"

The damage will be doubled, coming as it will on top of the Pope’s revival of the Tridentine Mass last year with its Good Friday prayer for the conversion of the Jews.

Into soap and lampshades?

Relations between the Catholic Church and world Jewry have been improving since the 1965 Vatican II document Nostra Aetate, which included the statement: “The Church deplores all hatreds, persecutions, displays of anti-Semitism leveled at any time or from any source against the Jews.”

"Unless we're doing it to them."

If there were any goddamned justice in this world (which there mostly isn't), Ratzinger would be stripped, whipped, forced to schlep an enormous cross until he collapses while people kick him, spit on him and use him as a human toilet before nailing his skanky ass to the cross.

Followed by an enormous clap of thunder and a humongous hand emerging from a cloud to point at the dying piece of filth while a Don LaFontaine-esque voice from the sky intones, "DID YOU FORGET THAT JESUS WAS A JEW, YOU MISERABLE, NAZI-SYMPATHIZING BASTARD?"

Culminating with said giant hand ripping the Papal Anti-Semite from his cross, transporting him swiftly to Hell and forcefully impailing him on The Barbed Cock Of Satan™.

Accompanied by a jazzy rendition of "I'll Be Glad When You're Dead, You Rascal You" performed by Mel Tormé, Benny Goodman, Zoot Sims, Stan Getz, Denny Zeitlin, André Previn, Paul Desmond and Artie Shaw; hotcha!