An Open Letter to "Moderate" Muslims

Dear “Moderate” Muslims of America:

I don’t believe any of you actually exist. I really don’t.

Perhaps it’s daft of me, but if I were an adherent of anything billing itself as the “religion of peace”, yet had co-religionists whose behavior was so utterly otherwise, there are many things I’d do.

Displaying complicity (or anything even vaguely resembling it) with murderous animals is assuredly not one of them. Particularly while living in a country where the average person has good cause to be leery of Muslims these days.

It’s funny...for a bunch of folks who scream, gibber, ululate and file lawsuits over stuff like our cruel and fascist insistence that someone expose their entire face for a driver’s license photo, you really missed the boat insofar as protesting your co-religionists’ little makeover of the New York skyline. The remodeling at the Pentagon. London. Madrid.

Or that embarassing misunderstanding in Beslan. (“School bond issue? We thought you said bomb. Oopsy-doodles. But at least we reduced class sizes.”)

Most of you may as well stop reading right here and skip straight to issuing a fatwa against me; I’m sure you’ve already gotten your burnooses, keffiyehs, turbans, hijabs, burkas, dishrags, hankies, towels and assorted silly haberdashery in a twist.

On the other hand, if you need a break from your busy schedule of filling-out purchase orders for shoulder-fired missles, performing clitorectomies, tutoring “Introduction to Jew Hatred” at your local mosque and dressing Habib, Jr.up as a “L’il Jihadi”, perhaps you’ll learn something.

You see, your fetid jihad against America is ultimately doomed to failure. And since you clearly lack a nuanced understanding of our grudging domestic “multiculturalism”, I offer the following for your edification. (Hey, don’t thank me...I’m a giver.)

F’rinstance...do you honestly think that all those Red-State rednecks will just roll-over and forego their beer, whisky, pork rinds, sausage gravy and the bacon to mix into their grits? Do you believe they’ll voluntarily stop going to church? I’m guessing that folks with shotgun racks and mangy hounds in their pickups, not to mention a well-documented proclivity for playing around with high explosives, will not be real cooperative. When you factor in the popularity of methamphetamines and oxycontin, y’all might have a little problem.

Additionally, the women-folk are not gonna wear any type of head covering that messes up their elaborate hair-dos. Nor will they stop wearing copious quantities of cosmetics. (Shit-fire...they’re already peeved with you over the fact that they can no longer carry eyelash curlers aboard airliners.)

Their cousins the hillbillies (also fond of weapons, blowin’ shit up real good amd possessing a marked distaste for authority of any sort) ain’t gonna be too pleased about shuttin’ down their stills. They also don’t take kindly to strangers forcing them to change their way of life. Please be advised that lack of complete dentition does not equate to a corresponding lack of ornery cussedness and determination to be left alone.

The Ku Klux Klan and their ilk are distantly related to the above and have a long history of terrorizing and killing their fellow Americans. Hell...they’ve even gone after Catholics. What do you think they’ll do to a bunch of “dadblamed furriners” who act, dress and talk kind o’ funny? And who believe in a “heathen” god? You are heartily encouraged to find out firsthand.

I’ll also be curious to see what happens when you tell black folks that they can no longer enjoy a slab of ribs, bag of pork rinds, pig’s feet, chitterlings or a forty of Olde English 800. And they ain’t gonna be too keen on having to give-up church, either. (By the way, gospel music is infinitely more uplifting then the caterwauling of your wizened, pull-start muezzins.) I highly recommend that you learn the colloquial meanings of both “cap” and “bust”, particularly as they apply to your asses.

And remember: whenever you see a black woman’s eyes start to get big as she begins that side-to-side neck thang while waggling her forefinger, it means that she’s...oh, heck; I’m just gonna let you learn for yourselves.

How about Americans of Asian descent? Trust me, you don’t wanna do anything to interrupt their children’s study or piano practicing time, else they’ll carve you into sashimi before you can even draw your scimitar. Or chop you into bite-sized bits and wok you with peppers, onions and chile oil. Or shred you, pack you in brine and bury you in the yard. Or press you in the steam iron; light starch, please.

And all the while, their young adults will be engineering better ways to neutralize the lot of you while creatively capitalizing the whole endeavor. Plus making a fair profit, to boot.

You’re gonna have some problems with Hispanics, too. I think you’ll find them unwilling to give up alcohol, carnitas and church, just like blacks and rednecks. (See, underneath it all, we Americans really are more similar than different.) And ball fringe is a fashion no-no with turbans and burnooses.

Do you Muslims have any idea how many “Arabic As A Second Language” programs you’d have to sponsor?

Not to mention that eliminating the scantily-clad babes appearing in virtually all Spanish language television programming will seriously piss them off (along with non-Hispanic straight men, bisexual women and lesbians of every ethnicity in America.)

And trust me, you definitely don’t wanna agitate lesbians (which, granted, isn’t all that difficult to do). I will enjoy the resulting mayhem when you tell women in flannel shirts, overalls, steel-toed work boots and Kim Jong Il haircuts that they are now second-class citizens and must submit to the whims of males.

I’m sure you won’t mind having your testicles forcibly relocated to the vicinity of your epiglottis while being regaled with readings from poorly-written tracts decrying “patriarchal societies”.

Even gay men will not be as easily intimidated as you probably assume. They will take a dim view of being forced to give-up well-tailored clothing, not to mention feather boas and chaps-sans-pants, for one of those hideous, shapeless robes. Honey, those things make everyone look like they’re in bad Totie Fields drag.

And know that a bottle of white wine can crush your skull every bit as well as a 2”x4” if the wielder is sufficiently petulant. Not to mention what a size eighteen red patent leather spike heel can do when jammed into your ear, eye socket or rectum. Fabulous!

Lastly, we come to the favorite object of everyone’s enmity: those nefarious, conniving Jews. In America, we’ve only loathed ‘em for a few centuries; you’ve got a couple millenia on us there. Sure, they completely control the media, banking and government. But our economy (even the last few years) is better than any Muslim country’s and interest rates are low. Not to mention that American TV, crappy as it may be, is way more entertaining then Al-Jazeera.

Most of us seem to like it that way.

And when we Americans get a taste for deli, a corned goat sandwich on pita (even if it has caraway seeds) with a side of cous-cous and a bottle of Dr. Maroun’s Sand Tonic just ain’t gonna cut it.

(Point of curiosity: does the 72 virgins clause apply if you’re noodged to death?)

O moderate Muslims of America, your silence places you and your families in grave peril. After 9/11, the number of “unfortunate things” which happened to Muslims (or those mistaken for same) in the United States was statistically insignificant in a nation of 280 million people.

Rightly or wrongly, this will not be the case when adherents of Islam do something naughty on American soil again. The fact is that for the last few decades, virtually every single act of terrorism and genocide on our planet has been perpetuated by Muslims. Coupled with your deafening silence here in our country, we’ve got a collectively itchy trigger finger.

(And need I remind you of the enormous number of weapons in the hands of private American citizens?)

America’s will has been underestimated in the past by folks with much greater technological prowess than Muslims currently posess. Folks such as the Imperial Japanese and the Nazis. They, like Islamofascists, believed that we were too fat, happy, complacent and wimpy to go to war.

They, like Islamofascists, were a teensy bit wrong.

A few words of advice: Dresden. Hiroshima. Nagasaki.

Many of your imams, emirs and mullahs say that Islam will triumph because we kuffirs love life, while Muslims love death. Assuming the love-of-death bit is true, just keep up your bad behavior.

We’ll shower you with so much fucking love that Allah will have to add a third shift at the hymen factory.


A Salaam Al-KaBoom,
Fatwa Arbuckle

The Bogeyman of Genetically-Modified Foods

(Posted for SBH from DHD...because I said I would.)

Originally published 07/06/03

For those of you who believe that genetically modified foods are unnatural, creepy and faintly redolent of Mary Shelley, I have some highly distressing news for you:

You’ve been eating them your entire life.

Yup...every single bit of food that you have consumed since you ceased suckling at your mother’s teat is the result of genetic modification by humans. It matters not one whit whether ‘twas organically-grown by Buddhist monks in California’s Central Valley, raised using free range methods by aging hippies in Wyoming, picked from your own backyard garden or stolen from your neighbor’s.

That’s right. Without exception, you’ve been shoveling naught but genetically modified food into your drooling, gaping maw since you got started on strained peas. And virtually every single bit of this genetic modification has been directed by human beings.

Mankind has been genetically tinkering with plants and animals for thousands of years. Since the dawn of the Agricultural Age, in the dim mists of history, we’ve been screwing around with Mother Nature. The copious quantities of wheat raised in the heartland of America (which feeds not only us, but helps to feed tens of millions of hungry humans around the world) is only a distant genetic cousin to the grain which once grew in the fields beneath Mount Ararat thousands of years ago. (And even back then, that region was a malodorous cesspit of hatred.) Wheat is a GM food.

The bounteous golden corn maturing in America’s summer sun (which also nourishes untold multitudes all over our planet) bears little resemblance to the maize which once fed the indigenes of Central and South America (when they weren’t busy sacrificing their citizenry or playing soccer-cum-basketball with human heads). Corn is a GM food.

This phenomenal abundance of basic foodstuffs is grown by less than 2% of the YouEss population, in large part because of genetic modification. (Plus the incentives provided by a relatively free-market economy, some semblance of respect for individual rights, property rights and the wonders of capitalism.)

In fact, if it weren’t for the foully corrupt governments in most countries, full-bellied Eco-Nazis, trust fund anarchists and the loathsome abomination that is the UN, even more of the starving millions across the planet could be fed. The problem ain’t a global shortage of food; it is a surfeit of despicable politics and human idiocy bordering on outright evil.

I know how some of you hate to pass moral judgements on anyone or anything (with the possible exception of Republicans). But I hope we can all agree that permitting hundreds of millions of human beings to starve solely due to politics is shameful, immoral and despicable. Nonetheless, this is precisely what is happening.

Two week ago in Sacramento, California, more than one hundred agricultural ministers from World Trade Organization nations convened the International Ministerial Conference and Expo on Agricultural Science and Technology, sponsored by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. These agricultural minsters gathered to discuss the latest advances in biotechnology and how these techniques can be used to feed the 800 million starving people of the Third World.

It bears repeating that the eeeevil, capitalistic, hegemonic American gub’mint underwrote this conference. Because most of the participating countries haven’t the proverbial “pot to shit in” due to circimstances such as lack of a market economy as well as a lack of personal freedom, respect for individual or property rights, high taxation, etc.. Not to mention odious, dissolute leaders who divert foreign aid money (most of which originates from American taxpayers) meant for food and medicine into their Swiss bank accounts.

(I shall spare you my feelings, just this once, regarding the way said YouEss gub’mint forcibly extorts all of this funding from its hard-working populace...chalk it up to a sudden attack of “sweetness ‘n’ light”.)

C’mon folks...if we ‘Merkins were interested only in exploiting the natural resources of these repulsive, diseased Third World shitholes, the absolutely easiest thing to do would be to let them all starve to death. Whereupon we could simply waltz in (carefully dancing over the bloated, maggot-ridden corpses) and help ourselves to the goodies.

But I digress.

The Ag Expo’s theme was the use of science and technology to address world hunger. As a result of the advances in biotechnology, genetically altered crops often boost plant yields while requiring fewer pesticides and reducing the acreage needed for farming. These advances also permit raising crops in marginal soil which would be otherwise unusable.

While the WTO agricultural ministers were at least pretending to do something about the starvation of unfortunate people worldwide (numbering nearly THREE TIMES the entire population of the U.S.), cretinous protesters with full stomachs (and apparently empty skulls and hearts) were busy trying to disrupt the proceedings.

Included amongst these pampered, well-fed dimwits were representatives of The Ruckus Society, who in-turn provide training for the Earth Liberation Front, a leading domestic terrorist group. Here’s a little example of ELF’s callous disregard for human life:

Kenyan agronomist Dr. Florence Wambugu spent three years working with the Monsanto company developing a GM virus-resistant sweet potato that she said "holds the promise of feeding some of the 800 million chronically undernourished people in the world." Apparently unimpressed, eco-terrorists with the Earth Liberation Front destroyed her lab and test crops.

"If they don't want it, they don't have to have it," Wambugu said. "We're dying, so can we eat first?"

The Ruckus Society receives generous funding from the Ben And Jerry’s Foundation. Next time you’re enlarging your fundament and clogging your arteries with a pint of high-butterfat Cherry Garcia ice cream, I hope you’ll ponder the fact that you’re actively contributing to the starvation of millions of your fellow humans. Bon appétit!

Two decades worth of experience with gene-spliced crops has not shown any injury to any individual, nor any significant damage to eco-systems. (I’ll pause for a moment so that you can reread that last sentence; it’s sort o’ important.)

Further, the AgBio World Foundation has collected the signatures of 3,200 international scientists for its Declaration of Support of Agricultural Biotechnology, including twenty Nobel Laureates. "Golden Rice," bio-fortified with beta-carotene from daffodils has been given to Third World farmers. This has the power to prevent anemia and the Vitamin A deficiency which blinds hundreds of thousands of Third World children.

But the neo-Luddites of the environmentalist movement have already made up their minds. They’ve raised enough doubts about GM foods to cause drought-stricken Zambia to reject a shipment of gene-spliced corn from the U.S. last year. Chance Kabaghe, Deputy Minister of Agriculture for Zambia, told the Sacramento Bee his country had little choice, even though many teetered on the verge of starvation.

Why? America's corn crop carries implanted genes that produce natural Bacillus thuringiensis pesticide, safe for humans and friendly insects like ladybugs and lacewings, and requires virtually no costly spraying. Splicing corn with a borrowed natural soil bacterium defense has already saved an estimated 300 million bushels of corn from being destroyed by insects. (Similar GM crops could prevent famines in the Third World where insects typically devour a third of crops.)

Apparently that’s a bad thing according to The Ruckus Society, the Committee In Solidarity with the People of El Salvador, the SHARE Foundation, Direct Action to Stop the War, Students for Justice in Palestine and the rest of the Leftist loons who are clearly not interested in saving 800 million of their fellow humans from a particularly nasty death.

A strange conglomeration of “eco-protestors”, n’est çe pas? They were quite busy showing their “solidarity” by vandalizing private property, hurling light bulbs filled with sulfuric acid at police, performing worse-than-sophomoric “street theater” (fraught with awful puppetry), passing out “Free Mumia” literature and further straining California’s already back-breaking deficit. So busy, in fact, that they just couldn’t seem to find time to present a single, well-reasoned, cogent argument supporting their phony-baloney concerns over GM food.

As a somewhat ironic aside, an attorney for several of these thugs (after their arrests) proclaimed that his clients had a Constitutional right to vegan meals. I enthusiastically concur...bread and water would meet any reasonable definition of “vegan”.

Beyond genetically modifying plants, humans have also been tailoring animals since well before the advent of modern gene-splicing technology. Cows, horses, pigs and chickens, to name but a few. Hell...mankind even crossbred two completely different species to create the humble mule, which is the result of a male donkey and a female horse. And it was done utterly without fancy lab equipment or anything approaching our current level of genetic knowledge.

Mules are also sterile; this happens rather often when genetically modifying animals or plants. (I hope it is self-evident to you that such delicacies as seedless watermelons, another GM food, are utterly incapable of producing more of themselves.)

We’ve learned an awful lot about genetics since Watson and Crick made their breakthrough discovery. (If you don’t know them, git Googling.) But we’re not doing anything that hasn’t already been going on for thousands of years. We are simply doing it more quickly, powerfully and efficiently. That’s progress, and it is a wonderful thing.

Perhaps you’re worried about giant mutant ears of corn with weird bloodshot eyes, venom dripping fangs and long jagged claws, or some strange variety of broccoli that chews its way out of your abdomen (ala “Alien”) after being consumed. Trust me..it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.

(By the way, broccoli began as a natural mutation of cabbage which was happened upon by a curious Italian farmer. The farmer helped nature along a bit via GM to bring us a yummy, healthful new cruciferous vegetable.

Fun Fact: This veggie got it’s American name because it was first imported here by the grandfather of movie producer Albert “Cubby” Broccoli (of “James Bond” fame). Had the initial importer been from Eastern Europe, Chinese restaurants would now serve “Hunan Beef with Czmarko (Spicy)” Or you might feed your family steamed hlobeczy with cheese sauce.

Here’s some more info regarding genetically modified animals for you to digest:

That yapping, annoying little Lhasa apso down the street (which deserves no better than being punted into the nearest refuse bin) was once a friggin’ wolf. Ditto a slobbering St. Bernard or a frenzied Jack Russell terrier. Uh huh...back in the day, a pack of their forebears would’ve hunted you down, surrounded you and overwhelmed you prior to ripping out your throat and cheerfully turning you into a lupine buffet.

We were not “companions” to them, we were farm-fresh, ambulatory Kibbles’N’Bits©. Beggin’ Strips© on the hoof. We were their prey, fer chrissakes. Until the hand of man genetically modified these wild beasts by purposefully breeding them for desirable traits (i.e., loyalty) whilst eliminating those which were undesirable (i.e., humping of guests’ legs; this modification is clearly still in beta-testing).

The cats revered by ancient Egyptians (and, no doubt, some of you) were once critters large enough to handily run you down on the savannah, break your back (or worse) with one swipe of their paw and chew your throat out with nary a pause before happily feasting on your viscera.

The transformation from ferocious feline killing-machine into Mr. Snuggles was due to genetic modification done by human beings. We bred these fearsome beasts into daintier critters which were smaller, (somewhat) more people-friendly and only too glad to puke and/or piss into your shoe without the slightest provocation.

And do you really think all of those different breeds of pwecious widdle kitties and puppies occur naturally? The differences between a chihuahua and an Old English sheepdog are astounding; and all wrought by mankind’s manipulation of nature. (Oddly, both breeds have beers named after them.)

To bring things full-circle, some human cultures have taken to eating cats and dogs. The prey now preys on the predator, all thanks to genetic modification. The underdog, er, underhuman has finally triumphed. (This also provides an amusing quandary for those who support both animal rights and multiculturalism.)

And Froggies eat horsies, which I mention only because I felt the need to include a gratuitous dig at the Pompidou-and-circumstances crowd. Horse d’oeuvres, anyone?

Nay.

The WTC Attack

The following was written three days after 9/11. It is repro-duced here without any editing of typos, adding of HTML tags, etc. It is entirely possible the reader may find some of this offensive.

Deal with it. I was pretty damned offended by what was done to my fellow citizens and my country.

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JUSTICE FOR THE WORLD TRADE CENTER ATTACK
09/14/01

There’s been much speechifying by public officials in NYC and D.C. this week about rebuilding the WTC. I’m all for building one that’s bigger and badder than the one destroyed by barbarians. (JPEG of a possible design attached.)

The parapets of the tallest tower(s) should be lined with life-sized statues of men, women and children of all ethnicities to represent the victims (who are from all over the globe), and the American people.

Each statue faces outward with one arm extended, giving the finger to all enemies of civilized behavior. A noble monument to the fact that if you piss-off the generally fun-loving American people sufficiently, bad shit is rather likely to happen. (It’s been about sixty years since the Imperial Japanese and the Nazis lived to regret it.)

Assuming we can capture, extradite, convict and sentence them to death, the responsible parties should be held in prison until the opening day of the new WTC.

To cap the grand opening festivities of the new and improved (not to mention several stories taller) World Trade Center, Habib, Yusef, Mustafah, Sirhan, Maroun and all their buddies will be brought to the roof of the tallest tower.

First, they will be force-fed a last meal of boiled chitlins. *Not* fried, boiled. To be washed down with MD 20-20 or Coors. .

"Hey, Achmed...enjoying that chewy, rubbery, swine's shit-pipe? It's okay...if the booze doesn’t kill the taste, the impact will. And now that you’re ‘unclean’, may you rot in hell, you cowardly, goat’s-eyeball-and-gum-eating, demitasse-coffee-swilling, camel-sodomizing, pull-start bastard.”

Achmed will then be placed in a harness which is attached to a release cable slung from a long boom arm. He will be hoisted up just far enough to clear the parapet, and the boom will rotate so that Achmed is dangling over the Plaza (perhaps) 125 floors below.

The pattern of paving stones in the Plaza consists of a series of concentric circles in contrasting colors, resembling nothing so much (when seen from that height) as a large target.

Then it’s merely a matter of adjusting for such things as windage, size of turban or keffiyeh (burnoose), likely air resistance of billowing robes, possible aerodynamic effect of slippers with long curling toes, odd vortices caused by big moustaches and/or long beards, etc.

And pressing the cable release button. After which, mother nature will assist with a little 32.2 feet-per-second-squared acceleration.

Perhaps lottery tickets could be sold for the privilege of offing one of these heroes, with the proceeds going to help defray the cost of rebuilding the WTC.

Or some sort of quiz show (hosted by Regis Philbin?) featuring increasingly challenging questions about Arab culture.

“Traditionally, many Arab lunatics enjoy raping: A) prepubescent boys, B) prepubescent girls, C) goats, or, D) all of the above.”

Possible variations:

1) Assuming the new WTC has *two* large towers, place a catapult or trebuchet on both and launch these sub-human poltroons in pairs (one from each tower), attempting to cause a mid-air collision before they plummet. It might be amusing to see if they try to climb up one another as they fall, like cartoon characters. Just to be sporting, maybe we could give them each a dainty little parasol from a tropical drink.

2) Dress the condemned in traditional robes and catapult them from the roof. If they are able to glide their way (ala Rocky the Flying Squirrel) to a splatting bullseye, we’ll call it “even Steven”. If they miss the center of the target, we will hunt down and kill EACH AND EVERY MEMBER OF THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY. In creative and cruel ways, of course. (This could also provide gainful future employment for Nazi hunters, as the few remaining Nazis are dying off as fast as our WWII vets.)

3) Launch them via catapult, but with the addition of little prayer rugs (replete with fringe) to see if any of them know how to fly a fuckin’ carpet. While an announcer (parodying a frightened Air Traffic Controller) says stuff like, “Egypt Air Carpet two four three, you’re descending too quickly! Egypt Air Carpet two four three pull up! Pull up!” “Dumb shit! Oh well...Air Achmed five seven, you are cleared for takeoff...”

And, of course, we’d turn the whole shebang into a reality series tentatively entitled “Splat!” (I’m sure the staff of the recently-canceled “MTV’s Jackass” would be glad of the work.)

The condemned would be equipped with the “SplatCam™”, so that we could enjoy the last seconds of their miserable, inconsequential, worthless lives (with translators standing by, natch). Just imagine the wonderful multicultural education we’ll receive; by the time they’ve all been disposed of, most of us will have learned phrases like “holy shit!” and “oh, FUCK!” in Arabic. Preferably by the pleasant expedient of obsessively (and joyously) watching reruns of the video highlights.

“Tonight, on America’s Funniest Execution Videos...” (Quick...get me Rupert Murdoch on the blower...)

I await the delightful experience of watching some of those unwashed, cous-cous-and-date eating, sandal-wearing bastards staining both the front *and* back of their striped robes in terror as they watch a JumboTron display of the SplatCam strapped to their very-soon-to be-former associate Ali.

I would also surmise that there’d be a *huge* live crowd...in the hundreds of thousands or larger. They should be encouraged to ululate en masse as each raghead takes their “final exam” in Newtonian physics.

[For those of you who don’t know what “ululating” is, it’s the traditional Arabic noise that sounds rather like the result of screaming in a falsetto voice whilst performing vigorous cunnilingus or analingus.]

I’d imagine the collective sound would be nothing less than hilarious. As a matter of fact, I may try to enlist some of my more twisted friends to assist in recording a few tracks into ProTools and then manipulating them into the sound of a large crowd. If it’s *half* as funny sounding as I anticipate, I’ll post it to the web.

Lastly, their remains should be left in-place for a week and visitors encouraged to creatively defile them. (Calling all performance artists and necrophiliacs!) The NYPD will temporarily ignore laws regarding indecent exposure, public urination, defecation, spitting, etc. in the immediate vicinity.

At the end of seven days, the entire mess should be scraped from the pavement and fed to pigs. The pigs will then be slaughtered, and the carcasses delivered to PETA headquarters in a non-refrigerated (and *very* slow-moving) truck. (What the fuck...I hate PETA, too.)

Islamic “justice”, American-style. Not that I’m the vengeful sort...

Given that there will likely be some serious, long-term financial repercussions for the entire world, merchandising possibilities will aid the global financial recovery by creating tens-of thousands of new jobs. As well as bountiful opportunities for entrepreneurs all across the planet.

Package tours to the event. Pay-per-view. Broadcast. Re-broadcast. Trading cards. T-shirts (“...the juiciest plum of all!” - Krusty the Klown). Video. DVDs. Video games. Books. Feature films. Documentaries. Screen savers. Collectible dishes. Commemorative coin and stamp series. Lunchboxes. Fridge magnets. Mouse pads. Pasta products. Magazines. Fruit Rollups. An animated series. Action figures. Plush toys.

You get the idea.

Appendix A: If this is war, it may explain why the Grim Repo Man spared Bob Hope last week. He’ll be off on “The Road To Kabbul”.

Appendix B: What are the odds of prosecuting and convicting Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson for treason? (“Where’s your beloved Jeebus NOW?”) If found guilty, they’d also be sentenced to death. In which case, they could be a warm-up act, clad in cheesy cardboard angel wings and floppy aluminum foil halos.