The Bogeyman of Genetically-Modified Foods

(Posted for SBH from DHD...because I said I would.)

Originally published 07/06/03

For those of you who believe that genetically modified foods are unnatural, creepy and faintly redolent of Mary Shelley, I have some highly distressing news for you:

You’ve been eating them your entire life.

Yup...every single bit of food that you have consumed since you ceased suckling at your mother’s teat is the result of genetic modification by humans. It matters not one whit whether ‘twas organically-grown by Buddhist monks in California’s Central Valley, raised using free range methods by aging hippies in Wyoming, picked from your own backyard garden or stolen from your neighbor’s.

That’s right. Without exception, you’ve been shoveling naught but genetically modified food into your drooling, gaping maw since you got started on strained peas. And virtually every single bit of this genetic modification has been directed by human beings.

Mankind has been genetically tinkering with plants and animals for thousands of years. Since the dawn of the Agricultural Age, in the dim mists of history, we’ve been screwing around with Mother Nature. The copious quantities of wheat raised in the heartland of America (which feeds not only us, but helps to feed tens of millions of hungry humans around the world) is only a distant genetic cousin to the grain which once grew in the fields beneath Mount Ararat thousands of years ago. (And even back then, that region was a malodorous cesspit of hatred.) Wheat is a GM food.

The bounteous golden corn maturing in America’s summer sun (which also nourishes untold multitudes all over our planet) bears little resemblance to the maize which once fed the indigenes of Central and South America (when they weren’t busy sacrificing their citizenry or playing soccer-cum-basketball with human heads). Corn is a GM food.

This phenomenal abundance of basic foodstuffs is grown by less than 2% of the YouEss population, in large part because of genetic modification. (Plus the incentives provided by a relatively free-market economy, some semblance of respect for individual rights, property rights and the wonders of capitalism.)

In fact, if it weren’t for the foully corrupt governments in most countries, full-bellied Eco-Nazis, trust fund anarchists and the loathsome abomination that is the UN, even more of the starving millions across the planet could be fed. The problem ain’t a global shortage of food; it is a surfeit of despicable politics and human idiocy bordering on outright evil.

I know how some of you hate to pass moral judgements on anyone or anything (with the possible exception of Republicans). But I hope we can all agree that permitting hundreds of millions of human beings to starve solely due to politics is shameful, immoral and despicable. Nonetheless, this is precisely what is happening.

Two week ago in Sacramento, California, more than one hundred agricultural ministers from World Trade Organization nations convened the International Ministerial Conference and Expo on Agricultural Science and Technology, sponsored by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. These agricultural minsters gathered to discuss the latest advances in biotechnology and how these techniques can be used to feed the 800 million starving people of the Third World.

It bears repeating that the eeeevil, capitalistic, hegemonic American gub’mint underwrote this conference. Because most of the participating countries haven’t the proverbial “pot to shit in” due to circimstances such as lack of a market economy as well as a lack of personal freedom, respect for individual or property rights, high taxation, etc.. Not to mention odious, dissolute leaders who divert foreign aid money (most of which originates from American taxpayers) meant for food and medicine into their Swiss bank accounts.

(I shall spare you my feelings, just this once, regarding the way said YouEss gub’mint forcibly extorts all of this funding from its hard-working populace...chalk it up to a sudden attack of “sweetness ‘n’ light”.)

C’mon folks...if we ‘Merkins were interested only in exploiting the natural resources of these repulsive, diseased Third World shitholes, the absolutely easiest thing to do would be to let them all starve to death. Whereupon we could simply waltz in (carefully dancing over the bloated, maggot-ridden corpses) and help ourselves to the goodies.

But I digress.

The Ag Expo’s theme was the use of science and technology to address world hunger. As a result of the advances in biotechnology, genetically altered crops often boost plant yields while requiring fewer pesticides and reducing the acreage needed for farming. These advances also permit raising crops in marginal soil which would be otherwise unusable.

While the WTO agricultural ministers were at least pretending to do something about the starvation of unfortunate people worldwide (numbering nearly THREE TIMES the entire population of the U.S.), cretinous protesters with full stomachs (and apparently empty skulls and hearts) were busy trying to disrupt the proceedings.

Included amongst these pampered, well-fed dimwits were representatives of The Ruckus Society, who in-turn provide training for the Earth Liberation Front, a leading domestic terrorist group. Here’s a little example of ELF’s callous disregard for human life:

Kenyan agronomist Dr. Florence Wambugu spent three years working with the Monsanto company developing a GM virus-resistant sweet potato that she said "holds the promise of feeding some of the 800 million chronically undernourished people in the world." Apparently unimpressed, eco-terrorists with the Earth Liberation Front destroyed her lab and test crops.

"If they don't want it, they don't have to have it," Wambugu said. "We're dying, so can we eat first?"

The Ruckus Society receives generous funding from the Ben And Jerry’s Foundation. Next time you’re enlarging your fundament and clogging your arteries with a pint of high-butterfat Cherry Garcia ice cream, I hope you’ll ponder the fact that you’re actively contributing to the starvation of millions of your fellow humans. Bon appétit!

Two decades worth of experience with gene-spliced crops has not shown any injury to any individual, nor any significant damage to eco-systems. (I’ll pause for a moment so that you can reread that last sentence; it’s sort o’ important.)

Further, the AgBio World Foundation has collected the signatures of 3,200 international scientists for its Declaration of Support of Agricultural Biotechnology, including twenty Nobel Laureates. "Golden Rice," bio-fortified with beta-carotene from daffodils has been given to Third World farmers. This has the power to prevent anemia and the Vitamin A deficiency which blinds hundreds of thousands of Third World children.

But the neo-Luddites of the environmentalist movement have already made up their minds. They’ve raised enough doubts about GM foods to cause drought-stricken Zambia to reject a shipment of gene-spliced corn from the U.S. last year. Chance Kabaghe, Deputy Minister of Agriculture for Zambia, told the Sacramento Bee his country had little choice, even though many teetered on the verge of starvation.

Why? America's corn crop carries implanted genes that produce natural Bacillus thuringiensis pesticide, safe for humans and friendly insects like ladybugs and lacewings, and requires virtually no costly spraying. Splicing corn with a borrowed natural soil bacterium defense has already saved an estimated 300 million bushels of corn from being destroyed by insects. (Similar GM crops could prevent famines in the Third World where insects typically devour a third of crops.)

Apparently that’s a bad thing according to The Ruckus Society, the Committee In Solidarity with the People of El Salvador, the SHARE Foundation, Direct Action to Stop the War, Students for Justice in Palestine and the rest of the Leftist loons who are clearly not interested in saving 800 million of their fellow humans from a particularly nasty death.

A strange conglomeration of “eco-protestors”, n’est çe pas? They were quite busy showing their “solidarity” by vandalizing private property, hurling light bulbs filled with sulfuric acid at police, performing worse-than-sophomoric “street theater” (fraught with awful puppetry), passing out “Free Mumia” literature and further straining California’s already back-breaking deficit. So busy, in fact, that they just couldn’t seem to find time to present a single, well-reasoned, cogent argument supporting their phony-baloney concerns over GM food.

As a somewhat ironic aside, an attorney for several of these thugs (after their arrests) proclaimed that his clients had a Constitutional right to vegan meals. I enthusiastically concur...bread and water would meet any reasonable definition of “vegan”.

Beyond genetically modifying plants, humans have also been tailoring animals since well before the advent of modern gene-splicing technology. Cows, horses, pigs and chickens, to name but a few. Hell...mankind even crossbred two completely different species to create the humble mule, which is the result of a male donkey and a female horse. And it was done utterly without fancy lab equipment or anything approaching our current level of genetic knowledge.

Mules are also sterile; this happens rather often when genetically modifying animals or plants. (I hope it is self-evident to you that such delicacies as seedless watermelons, another GM food, are utterly incapable of producing more of themselves.)

We’ve learned an awful lot about genetics since Watson and Crick made their breakthrough discovery. (If you don’t know them, git Googling.) But we’re not doing anything that hasn’t already been going on for thousands of years. We are simply doing it more quickly, powerfully and efficiently. That’s progress, and it is a wonderful thing.

Perhaps you’re worried about giant mutant ears of corn with weird bloodshot eyes, venom dripping fangs and long jagged claws, or some strange variety of broccoli that chews its way out of your abdomen (ala “Alien”) after being consumed. Trust me..it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.

(By the way, broccoli began as a natural mutation of cabbage which was happened upon by a curious Italian farmer. The farmer helped nature along a bit via GM to bring us a yummy, healthful new cruciferous vegetable.

Fun Fact: This veggie got it’s American name because it was first imported here by the grandfather of movie producer Albert “Cubby” Broccoli (of “James Bond” fame). Had the initial importer been from Eastern Europe, Chinese restaurants would now serve “Hunan Beef with Czmarko (Spicy)” Or you might feed your family steamed hlobeczy with cheese sauce.

Here’s some more info regarding genetically modified animals for you to digest:

That yapping, annoying little Lhasa apso down the street (which deserves no better than being punted into the nearest refuse bin) was once a friggin’ wolf. Ditto a slobbering St. Bernard or a frenzied Jack Russell terrier. Uh huh...back in the day, a pack of their forebears would’ve hunted you down, surrounded you and overwhelmed you prior to ripping out your throat and cheerfully turning you into a lupine buffet.

We were not “companions” to them, we were farm-fresh, ambulatory Kibbles’N’Bits©. Beggin’ Strips© on the hoof. We were their prey, fer chrissakes. Until the hand of man genetically modified these wild beasts by purposefully breeding them for desirable traits (i.e., loyalty) whilst eliminating those which were undesirable (i.e., humping of guests’ legs; this modification is clearly still in beta-testing).

The cats revered by ancient Egyptians (and, no doubt, some of you) were once critters large enough to handily run you down on the savannah, break your back (or worse) with one swipe of their paw and chew your throat out with nary a pause before happily feasting on your viscera.

The transformation from ferocious feline killing-machine into Mr. Snuggles was due to genetic modification done by human beings. We bred these fearsome beasts into daintier critters which were smaller, (somewhat) more people-friendly and only too glad to puke and/or piss into your shoe without the slightest provocation.

And do you really think all of those different breeds of pwecious widdle kitties and puppies occur naturally? The differences between a chihuahua and an Old English sheepdog are astounding; and all wrought by mankind’s manipulation of nature. (Oddly, both breeds have beers named after them.)

To bring things full-circle, some human cultures have taken to eating cats and dogs. The prey now preys on the predator, all thanks to genetic modification. The underdog, er, underhuman has finally triumphed. (This also provides an amusing quandary for those who support both animal rights and multiculturalism.)

And Froggies eat horsies, which I mention only because I felt the need to include a gratuitous dig at the Pompidou-and-circumstances crowd. Horse d’oeuvres, anyone?

Nay.