Michigan spends taxpayers' money on Sno-Cone machines for "homeland security"

Original article here.

STANTON (MI) — The United States is fighting terrorism — one snow cone at a time.

Montcalm County recently received a $900 Arctic Blast Sno-Cone machine.

WTF?!?! Do they think that Saudi nationals or denizens of some other desert shithole will soil their M.C. Hammer pants when confronted with a paper cone filled with shaved ice?

"Oh camel crap, Abdullah...THEY'VE GOT ICE!!! Flee for your very life!!! AIIIEEEEE!"

The West Michigan Shoreline Regional Development Commission (WMSRDC) is a federal- and state-designated agency responsible for managing and administrating the homeland security program in Montcalm County and 12 other counties.

The WMSRDC recently purchased and transferred homeland security equipment to these counties — including 13 snow cone machines at a total cost of $11,700.

Every single bureaucrat who signed-off on this request ought to be buried under a mountain of snow large enough to either suffocate them or cause terminal hypothermia.

The machines were funded by a grant from the Michigan Homeland Security Program. The request for a snow cone machine came from another county, but all 13 counties received them.

No doubt, being good stewards of the monies forcibly extorted from taxpayers, they got a fabulous bulk-purchase discount...NOT! A quick perusal of EBay finds that these machines can be purchased singly for less than $550.00 each.

The purchase raised some questions at a recent Montcalm County Board of Commissioners meeting. Commissioners wondered about the machine and questioned its purpose.

The Michigan Homeland Security Grant Program’s Allowable Cost Justification document, dated May 9, 2011, says the snow cone machines can make ice to prevent heat-related illnesses during emergencies, treat injuries and provide snow cones as an outreach at promotional events.

The photo above - which accompanied the original article and was credited to its writer - clearly shows it's merely a machine to shave ice; there is no freezer unit integrated into it. The units for sale at EBay also do not make ice.

In other words, the Allowable Cost Justification document is patently dishonest.

Additionally, what the hell kind of "outreach" does "homeland security" require? They already do entirely too much "outreach" to old ladies and children at airports.

WMSRDC Executive Director Sandeep Dey said one county requested a popcorn machine, but that request was denied. He said the snow cone machine request would not have been granted by itself, but was approved because it came with other homeland security equipment.

Only one county requested a Sno-Cone machine, yet thirteen received them; why was the popcorn machine treated differently? And WTF does a popcorn machine have to do with homeland security?

“It is used to attract people so they can be educated and prepared for homeland security,” Dey said from his office in Muskegon. “More importantly, they (homeland security officials) felt in a medical emergency the machine was capable of making ice packs which could be used for medical purposes.”

Jesus Fucking Christ and His Orchestra...in what way will they educate and prepare people for homeland security?

"Sorry we fondled your little girl; how's about we give her a Sno-Cone and maybe she'll stop crying?"

"Stop resisting or we'll shove shaved ice down your panties, grandma!"

The snow cone machine is currently being stored in the Montcalm County Emergency Services (MCES) building in Stanton. MCES Director David Feldpausch said the machine could be useful at the scene of a large fire or during very hot weather.

Except for the simple fact that the machine doesn't actually make fucking ice.

“I don’t like the term snow cone machine, because it sounds horrible,” Feldpausch said. “When you look at it as an ice shaving machine and its purpose, it makes a little more sense. I assume it will get used in Montcalm County a lot more in the summertime by the Fire Corps.”

It's fucking purpose is to take ice made in another machine and shave it to make goddamned Sno-Cones, you ignorant fucktard.

Since when does a Fire Corps need to add Sno-Cones to its list of firefighting equipment? I suppose next, they'll want to purchase a vending truck and ice maker so they can make them at disaster scenes.

(And you can bet your ass they'll overpay for that equipment, too.)