An Open Letter to "Moderate" Muslims

Dear “Moderate” Muslims of America:

I don’t believe any of you actually exist. I really don’t.

Perhaps it’s daft of me, but if I were an adherent of anything billing itself as the “religion of peace”, yet had co-religionists whose behavior was so utterly otherwise, there are many things I’d do.

Displaying complicity (or anything even vaguely resembling it) with murderous animals is assuredly not one of them. Particularly while living in a country where the average person has good cause to be leery of Muslims these days.

It’s funny...for a bunch of folks who scream, gibber, ululate and file lawsuits over stuff like our cruel and fascist insistence that someone expose their entire face for a driver’s license photo, you really missed the boat insofar as protesting your co-religionists’ little makeover of the New York skyline. The remodeling at the Pentagon. London. Madrid.

Or that embarassing misunderstanding in Beslan. (“School bond issue? We thought you said bomb. Oopsy-doodles. But at least we reduced class sizes.”)

Most of you may as well stop reading right here and skip straight to issuing a fatwa against me; I’m sure you’ve already gotten your burnooses, keffiyehs, turbans, hijabs, burkas, dishrags, hankies, towels and assorted silly haberdashery in a twist.

On the other hand, if you need a break from your busy schedule of filling-out purchase orders for shoulder-fired missles, performing clitorectomies, tutoring “Introduction to Jew Hatred” at your local mosque and dressing Habib, Jr.up as a “L’il Jihadi”, perhaps you’ll learn something.

You see, your fetid jihad against America is ultimately doomed to failure. And since you clearly lack a nuanced understanding of our grudging domestic “multiculturalism”, I offer the following for your edification. (Hey, don’t thank me...I’m a giver.)

F’rinstance...do you honestly think that all those Red-State rednecks will just roll-over and forego their beer, whisky, pork rinds, sausage gravy and the bacon to mix into their grits? Do you believe they’ll voluntarily stop going to church? I’m guessing that folks with shotgun racks and mangy hounds in their pickups, not to mention a well-documented proclivity for playing around with high explosives, will not be real cooperative. When you factor in the popularity of methamphetamines and oxycontin, y’all might have a little problem.

Additionally, the women-folk are not gonna wear any type of head covering that messes up their elaborate hair-dos. Nor will they stop wearing copious quantities of cosmetics. (Shit-fire...they’re already peeved with you over the fact that they can no longer carry eyelash curlers aboard airliners.)

Their cousins the hillbillies (also fond of weapons, blowin’ shit up real good amd possessing a marked distaste for authority of any sort) ain’t gonna be too pleased about shuttin’ down their stills. They also don’t take kindly to strangers forcing them to change their way of life. Please be advised that lack of complete dentition does not equate to a corresponding lack of ornery cussedness and determination to be left alone.

The Ku Klux Klan and their ilk are distantly related to the above and have a long history of terrorizing and killing their fellow Americans. Hell...they’ve even gone after Catholics. What do you think they’ll do to a bunch of “dadblamed furriners” who act, dress and talk kind o’ funny? And who believe in a “heathen” god? You are heartily encouraged to find out firsthand.

I’ll also be curious to see what happens when you tell black folks that they can no longer enjoy a slab of ribs, bag of pork rinds, pig’s feet, chitterlings or a forty of Olde English 800. And they ain’t gonna be too keen on having to give-up church, either. (By the way, gospel music is infinitely more uplifting then the caterwauling of your wizened, pull-start muezzins.) I highly recommend that you learn the colloquial meanings of both “cap” and “bust”, particularly as they apply to your asses.

And remember: whenever you see a black woman’s eyes start to get big as she begins that side-to-side neck thang while waggling her forefinger, it means that she’s...oh, heck; I’m just gonna let you learn for yourselves.

How about Americans of Asian descent? Trust me, you don’t wanna do anything to interrupt their children’s study or piano practicing time, else they’ll carve you into sashimi before you can even draw your scimitar. Or chop you into bite-sized bits and wok you with peppers, onions and chile oil. Or shred you, pack you in brine and bury you in the yard. Or press you in the steam iron; light starch, please.

And all the while, their young adults will be engineering better ways to neutralize the lot of you while creatively capitalizing the whole endeavor. Plus making a fair profit, to boot.

You’re gonna have some problems with Hispanics, too. I think you’ll find them unwilling to give up alcohol, carnitas and church, just like blacks and rednecks. (See, underneath it all, we Americans really are more similar than different.) And ball fringe is a fashion no-no with turbans and burnooses.

Do you Muslims have any idea how many “Arabic As A Second Language” programs you’d have to sponsor?

Not to mention that eliminating the scantily-clad babes appearing in virtually all Spanish language television programming will seriously piss them off (along with non-Hispanic straight men, bisexual women and lesbians of every ethnicity in America.)

And trust me, you definitely don’t wanna agitate lesbians (which, granted, isn’t all that difficult to do). I will enjoy the resulting mayhem when you tell women in flannel shirts, overalls, steel-toed work boots and Kim Jong Il haircuts that they are now second-class citizens and must submit to the whims of males.

I’m sure you won’t mind having your testicles forcibly relocated to the vicinity of your epiglottis while being regaled with readings from poorly-written tracts decrying “patriarchal societies”.

Even gay men will not be as easily intimidated as you probably assume. They will take a dim view of being forced to give-up well-tailored clothing, not to mention feather boas and chaps-sans-pants, for one of those hideous, shapeless robes. Honey, those things make everyone look like they’re in bad Totie Fields drag.

And know that a bottle of white wine can crush your skull every bit as well as a 2”x4” if the wielder is sufficiently petulant. Not to mention what a size eighteen red patent leather spike heel can do when jammed into your ear, eye socket or rectum. Fabulous!

Lastly, we come to the favorite object of everyone’s enmity: those nefarious, conniving Jews. In America, we’ve only loathed ‘em for a few centuries; you’ve got a couple millenia on us there. Sure, they completely control the media, banking and government. But our economy (even the last few years) is better than any Muslim country’s and interest rates are low. Not to mention that American TV, crappy as it may be, is way more entertaining then Al-Jazeera.

Most of us seem to like it that way.

And when we Americans get a taste for deli, a corned goat sandwich on pita (even if it has caraway seeds) with a side of cous-cous and a bottle of Dr. Maroun’s Sand Tonic just ain’t gonna cut it.

(Point of curiosity: does the 72 virgins clause apply if you’re noodged to death?)

O moderate Muslims of America, your silence places you and your families in grave peril. After 9/11, the number of “unfortunate things” which happened to Muslims (or those mistaken for same) in the United States was statistically insignificant in a nation of 280 million people.

Rightly or wrongly, this will not be the case when adherents of Islam do something naughty on American soil again. The fact is that for the last few decades, virtually every single act of terrorism and genocide on our planet has been perpetuated by Muslims. Coupled with your deafening silence here in our country, we’ve got a collectively itchy trigger finger.

(And need I remind you of the enormous number of weapons in the hands of private American citizens?)

America’s will has been underestimated in the past by folks with much greater technological prowess than Muslims currently posess. Folks such as the Imperial Japanese and the Nazis. They, like Islamofascists, believed that we were too fat, happy, complacent and wimpy to go to war.

They, like Islamofascists, were a teensy bit wrong.

A few words of advice: Dresden. Hiroshima. Nagasaki.

Many of your imams, emirs and mullahs say that Islam will triumph because we kuffirs love life, while Muslims love death. Assuming the love-of-death bit is true, just keep up your bad behavior.

We’ll shower you with so much fucking love that Allah will have to add a third shift at the hymen factory.


A Salaam Al-KaBoom,
Fatwa Arbuckle