Random penis enlargement come-ons

Just because it's a cheap and easy post, here are the most amusing "male enhancement" spam scams which have arrived recently:

Superman liqueur. Your Ding Dong will be exclusive.

Gosh...I had no idea that I was sharing my Ding Dong. Or that Kal-El™ brand Creme de Menthe would eliminate such an affliction.

New way of changing your big daddy size.

I wonder if Tennessee Williams was aware of this when he wrote "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof"? And is this why Burl Ives was corpulent?

Chicks will drive mad with you if you enlarge your banana. Your girl loves big main organ but the problem is that you have small one. Do not worry! You have astonishing chance to solve this trouble. Now you can lengthenn [sic] your main organ length. You will be a king of bed surely enough.

Women will ride in my vehicle when I have road rage if I embiggen my herbaceous plant of the genus Musa?

Okay...perhaps my "main organ" is completely pathetic. However, my subsidiary organ is freakin' ginormous and astonishing, so it's all good. (Although I still miss my Hammond B3 sometimes; just sayin'.)

Upgrade yourself today with our solutions.

K3wL...an upgrade to Penis 3.1! (Hey...I've been around computers enough to know better than to install version x.0 of anything.)

Short way to your true male power!

Um, I'd prefer the long way.

Whip out your trunk and watch her cry in pleasure.

Sounds more like, erm, peanuts enlargement.

Become more courageous in your romantic relationships with this new increasing formula! Fight your uncertainty by getting your tool bigger!

[bertlahr]

"What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage!"

"What if you couldn't find her clitoris?"

"I'd show her who was king of the fores'!"

[/bertlahr]

Attain the desired proportion!

You mean like eight heads high? (I said "head"; uh huh huh huh huh huh.)

Time to repair your male plumbing!

With a pipe wrench, flux and a blowtorch? I think not.

Your male device is super!

Yup...it wears a cape and has a secret identity.

Big penis is your main weapon.

Sure. But I keep a smaller holdout penis in my boot; you can never be too careful.

You admire to enlarge you male machine size but do not know how.

You admire to right [sic] a grammatical English sentence but do not know how.

The road to your love success begins with a shift of your love stick.

First gear; it's all right. Second gear; I lean right. Third gear; please don't bite...

I know this works, for I am a new man with a humongous schI@ng, get yours now.

I'm @n old m@n with @ perfectly @dequate schI@ng; th@nks @nyw@y.

Ejaculate and shoot over a mile!

Neato...I could be a freakin' sniper! "Careful...you'll put an eye out!"

Heil Obama!

The following is from a blog at http://www.barackobama.com/ which was posted from 03/01/08 until it got redacted yesterday. (Screen caps available here.)

Obamanism is the cure for Clintonitis that has devastated America and I hope Jews all over US rally around Obama and support him to win both the nomination and the Presidency because after he wins, he would help the Jews and Israel as well as settle the Middle East problems.

However, if Jews betray Obama and he loses, Africans worldwide would consider it a betrayal to the whole African people and will never forgive world Jewry.

Just as I will never forgive black "leaders" like Sharpton, Jackson, Wright, et. al. in this country for promulgating anti-semitism.

In retaliation, (eye for eye, remember!) Africa would consider expelling all Jews from Africa who have been mining African Gold and Diamond and enriching themselves for many centuries.

It was African gold and diamond that built international finance, trade and banking that the Jews (Rothschild, Warbug, Rockefeller and others) dominate.

Rockefeller was a Joooo? Who knew?

It was African gold and diamond that built Jewish banks and wealth worldwide.

Yassuh...those gems and metals just jumped right out of the ground, crossed the Atlantic, grabbed some hammers, shovels and cee-ment mixers and started putting up buildings with vaults and Greek revival edifices. Crikey.

Thousands of years ago, when Jews were starving and nearly perished in Palestine, they took refuge in Egypt, Africa.

Yeah...and we were treated so freakin' well in Egypt. That's why they were sent all of the "hostess gifts" (frogs, boils, locusts, etc.).

If Egypt and Africa did not feed the Jews, perhaps there would be no Jews today.

Which seemingly might be okeydoke with this blogger.

Jews also took all Egyptian and African science, technology and religious knowledge that have helped them to develop themselves and to get to where they are today: on top of most of the industries and corporations all over the world.

Uh huh...my JooCo stock just split three-for-two. And Amalgamated Zionists is up almost 20% since the beginning of the year. I'm rich, bitches! Bwahahahaha!

Jews owe Africa and Africans everything they have today because if Africa did not shelter them when they were homeless and starving, they would not be here today.

And black Americans owe a bit of a debt to American joooos for helping to fight for their civil rights. (Hey...we even gave you a favorable interest rate, ya wretchedly ungrateful bastards.)

There's more, but you get the idea.

I'm sure that none of the Obama website's administrators ever saw this vile shit until the blogosphere published links yesterday.

If this is the kind of disgusting rhetoric that a major party candidate in America permits on his website, it's clearly time to arm myself. Unlike my Dad's family, I fully intend to take as many of these dirtbags as possible with me should they come a-callin' late at night.

[blazingsaddles]

"Up yours, Obama!"

[/blazingsaddles]

Barack will get neither an apology nor a pie from me for that last.