Yet more male enhancement spam fun

Upgrade it to a huge volume

My penis is calibrated up to 11; so are my testicles, for a combined volume of 22.

There is a reason why superman wears his underwear on the outside.

Well, at least that way, his underwear never gets shit-stained.

Your erected size will shock everyone, including yourself!

Does it become an electric eel of some sort? zOMG!!1!

What They Don't Want You to Know About Your Penis!

Is it involved in some sort of government conspiracy or cover-up? Is it a Freemason? Illuminatus? Did it bring down the WTC? I simply must know!

Nothing beats a huge stick

Except an even huger stick. Or a gun. Probably a nuke, too.

Your newly increased pole will stimulate more receptors inside your lassie!

But what if I don't own a collie (with or without "receptors")?

Once she claps her eyes on your increased and more mighty tool, she's yours for the taking!

I'd prefer that "clap" not be mentioned in the same sentence with my "mighty tool".

Rocket rod pleases girls

Cool...I've always wanted a hydrazine-powered penis.

A rapid and secure growth of your thing is now guaranteed! Start acting today to become an unmatched lover!

What "thing" are we talking about...my penis or my 401(k)? (If the former, being an "unmatched lover" isn't going to do me much good, is it?

Girls will hunt you in the streets!

Oh swell...I've always wanted to be a trophy. Which head will she mount?

This remedy is in aid of your most painful weakness - small dimensions!

But what if I'm not claustrophobic?

Hit a home run every day with your rocket arm

In addition to sounding painful (especially if it means whacking my own balls out of the park), I suspect this would violate the rules of Major League Baseball.

More "Male Enhancement" Mailbag Malesac! (Uh huh huh huh huh!)

Booster for your manhood!

About time, too...it's getting tired of sitting at the kids' table.

Enlarge your bell-rope length

"Sanctuary!" (Well, it does bear a slight resemblance to Charles Laughton; must be the wen.)

Enlarge your device length - Your wife loves Big Daddy...

Actually, I don't think she fantasizes about Burl Ives too often.

Enlarge your instrument size

Hey...I used to have a Hammond B3 organ; I'm just as happy I've downsized my rig.

Rev up your lovemaking life

Vroom, vroom!

Upsize your sex pen1s easily

Wow...some people have a special pen1s that's just for sex? How bourgeoise; hmmmph!

Catch the eye of every woman

"Ow...quit it!" (I've heard of being blinded by lust, but this is ridiculous.)

Can't you reach her cervix uteri?

Well, I've got some BBQ tongs if she's got more than one uterus; just sayin'.

Turn it into a thing she will never forget

Like with malevolent bloodshot eyes and venom-dripping fangs?

Whip your pecker into shape

"Ow, quit it!" redux

Make your girlfriend worship you

"Jesu Christo...you are not gonna nail me with that thing!"

Random penis enlargement come-ons

Just because it's a cheap and easy post, here are the most amusing "male enhancement" spam scams which have arrived recently:

Superman liqueur. Your Ding Dong will be exclusive.

Gosh...I had no idea that I was sharing my Ding Dong. Or that Kal-El™ brand Creme de Menthe would eliminate such an affliction.

New way of changing your big daddy size.

I wonder if Tennessee Williams was aware of this when he wrote "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof"? And is this why Burl Ives was corpulent?

Chicks will drive mad with you if you enlarge your banana. Your girl loves big main organ but the problem is that you have small one. Do not worry! You have astonishing chance to solve this trouble. Now you can lengthenn [sic] your main organ length. You will be a king of bed surely enough.

Women will ride in my vehicle when I have road rage if I embiggen my herbaceous plant of the genus Musa?

Okay...perhaps my "main organ" is completely pathetic. However, my subsidiary organ is freakin' ginormous and astonishing, so it's all good. (Although I still miss my Hammond B3 sometimes; just sayin'.)

Upgrade yourself today with our solutions.

K3wL...an upgrade to Penis 3.1! (Hey...I've been around computers enough to know better than to install version x.0 of anything.)

Short way to your true male power!

Um, I'd prefer the long way.

Whip out your trunk and watch her cry in pleasure.

Sounds more like, erm, peanuts enlargement.

Become more courageous in your romantic relationships with this new increasing formula! Fight your uncertainty by getting your tool bigger!

[bertlahr]

"What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage!"

"What if you couldn't find her clitoris?"

"I'd show her who was king of the fores'!"

[/bertlahr]

Attain the desired proportion!

You mean like eight heads high? (I said "head"; uh huh huh huh huh huh.)

Time to repair your male plumbing!

With a pipe wrench, flux and a blowtorch? I think not.

Your male device is super!

Yup...it wears a cape and has a secret identity.

Big penis is your main weapon.

Sure. But I keep a smaller holdout penis in my boot; you can never be too careful.

You admire to enlarge you male machine size but do not know how.

You admire to right [sic] a grammatical English sentence but do not know how.

The road to your love success begins with a shift of your love stick.

First gear; it's all right. Second gear; I lean right. Third gear; please don't bite...

I know this works, for I am a new man with a humongous schI@ng, get yours now.

I'm @n old m@n with @ perfectly @dequate schI@ng; th@nks @nyw@y.

Ejaculate and shoot over a mile!

Neato...I could be a freakin' sniper! "Careful...you'll put an eye out!"